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Ban Ryu waited outside the gates of the hwarang house.  Where Soo Ho had claimed that Soo Yeon was going to meet him. 

Were he like his friends, Ban Ryu would have had a home to which to return.  He, as well as the other hwarang who had accompanied Sook Myeong north, had been given some time off.  To enjoy their families after they’d spent three months protecting the princess.

But Ban Ryu had nowhere to go.  So he was occupying his bed at the hwarang house.  With only Yeo Wool as a roommate for the next few days.  But he wasn’t really close to Yeo Wool.  Then again, he wasn’t really close to anyone.  Though Soo Ho would probably beg to differ.

Ban Ryu leaned up against the wall and wondered if he would always be alone. 

Just then, Dan Se approached him from down the road.  Ban Ryu straightened and called out to his friend. 

His heart had been bent in his direction ever since the man’s younger brother, a fellow hwarang named Han Sung, had died.  Pierced by the poison meant to kill the then-hidden king, mistakenly identified by Dan Se’s grandfather as Seon Woo.  Dan Se had challenged Seon Woo to some swordplay after staining his own blade with the poison which his grandfather had given him.  But just as he would have killed Seon Woo, his brother, Han Sung, had stepped between the older man and Dan Se’s sword.  Reaching out to slide his fingers along that toxic blade.  And tasted that death himself.

If there was one man who could have understood Ban Ryu’s regrets, it was Dan Se.  Broken after the untimely death of his innocent, little brother, he had been asked by Hwa Gong to step into Han Sung’s shoes.  To become a hwarang in his place.  Dan Se had taken such an honor seriously, filling those boots magnificently.

“Dan Se, I thought you were staying with your grandfather,” Ban Ryu’s faint voice filled the air between them.

Dan Se shook his head.  “No.  I stayed over last night, but that was long enough.”

Ban Ryu frowned as his eyes slid over his quiet friend’s countenance.  Dan Se hadn’t been the same since his younger brother had died.  He’d always been quiet.  Now he was virtually silent.

He kept walking and slipped past the gates into the compound as Ban Ryu watched him.  Then he trained his eyes back on the road.  Towards the direction from which his beloved would come.  And he waited.  For the sweetest girl whom he had ever known.  The one saving grace of his entire existence.

––

His veils all fell away in her presence.  She was the one good, pure, holy thing in his life.  Pure goodness.  Tender sweetness.  All the things with which he had never been showered as a child.  Or even as a young man.  Until the day that Soo Yeon had stepped into his life.  Her face alight with a teasing joy meant for her brother.  A breathless, innocent revenge against his irritating antics.  That had been bent on Ban Ryu completely by accident.  It had been followed by her shocked slap across his cheek.  And then by her comforting touch on that same offended vessel.  And Ban Ryu had instantly been a goner.  

Soo Yeon’s tender touch of his cheek had been the first taste of gentleness which the boy had ever experienced.  Her concern, the first tad of affection that he’d ever tasted.  Her sweet smile directed at him the very first light that had ever touched his soul.  It had cracked his façade.  And slid into his heart.  To fill it with her glow.  And it had transformed him.  Little by little.  From the inside out.  Until he hadn’t even been able to recognize himself anymore.

And others had taken notice too.

He’d finally made some real friends.  Not just drinking buddies.  But real men who wouldn’t allow him to lord it over them.  But comrades who were willing to fight to the death with him.  He had faced true danger with Soo Ho, Seon Woo, and Ji Dwi.  And they had had each other’s backs. 

Ban Ryu wanted to be an honorable man like his friends were.  He wanted to be a man worthy of Soo Yeon’s love.  But he felt like he was failing in his mission.  For he couldn’t seem to get in the good graces of the one man who counted.  Soo Yeon’s father.  Lord Kim Seub.

Why was it that Ban Ryu had caught the interest of a cruel, powerful traitor?  Yet he could not – even by being boldly honest and vulnerable – appeal to a good man?

Ban Ryu could never have Soo Yeon if her father didn’t approve.  He would simply have to learn to live without her. 

He had tried.  While he’d been in Goguryeo.  He had worked very hard to put her far from his mind.  But one of the servants assigned to assist the princess had reminded him of Soo Yeon.  At every turn.  Unfailingly.  Even Soo Ho had noted the resemblance. 

And Ban Ryu had wondered how far he would have to flee to outrun the captivating eyes of a certain sweet miss.  With a heavy heart, he had returned home today.  Because he had known that he couldn’t go with Soo Ho when he headed to his house to see his mother and sister.  Ban Ryu wasn’t welcome there.

—

He could not touch her.  He dared not touch her.

But, oh!  How he wanted to!  

How he longed to slide his fingers through those glorious, gleaming masses of midnight hair that beckoned him to touch her.  And to trespass across those delightful lips.  A beautiful mouth that she had already surrendered to him.

At least, he could bask in the light of her smile.  And in the radiance flowing from her lovely eyes.

Soo Yeon was the smile in his days.  The one bright light that always kept shining on him.  Even when he deserved utter darkness.

Like the day that he had stood with three of his friends as they faced a cagey and heartless prince in another kingdom.  And watched as he mowed down several of Silla’s people.  Simply because he sought the faceless king.  A king of whom even Ban Ryu had then remained ignorant.  A king whom Ban Ryu may have presented on a silver platter to that evil crown prince.  Through the letter that Minister Park had entrusted to him. 

No, the letter he had forced upon him.  For that sinister character had never given him a choice, had he?  For any time that Ban Ryu had hesitated, Minister Park had punished and humiliated his appa.  Leaving Ban Ryu trembling.  Shaking in terror.  Wondering how harshly horrific was the evil of which that diabolical man was capable.  If he could so easily diminish a powerful man like Ban Ryu’s own father, what could he do to a defenseless boy?

So Ban Ryu had delivered that secret missive.  And ever since, he had wondered at its contents.  Had he, unwittingly, delivered all those innocent people to their deaths?  Had he endangered Ah Ro, Soo Ho, Seon Woo, and the king?

It was the mystery, the troubling truth, that kept the noble warrior up at night.  And sometimes woke him out of a deep sleep.  In a cold sweat.  

Had he caused all those innocent people to die?  Because he’d been too afraid to stand up to that cruel, old man?  Because Ban Ryu had been unable to stomach watching his father abused by him yet again?

He still cringed every time he recollected his father running afoul of that powerful tyrant.  And Ban Ryu saw that evil man’s palm slapping his appa’s face.  Over and over again.  His father had seemed to shrink before him.  A little smaller with his every interaction with Minister Park.  Until Ho Gong had been nearly obliterated.  His rank had been removed.  His wealth stripped from him.  His influence shattered.  Only the man remained.

But Minister Park was no more.  All his evil deeds had caught up with him.  He had been executed months ago for his crimes against the crown.  His head removed from his body.  That vicious mouth would spew no more vile plots.  Those punishing hands would bruise no more men.  That merciless heart would destroy no more innocent boys.  That ruthless mind would plan no more treachery.  He was now dust.  And all his plans were ashes too.

Except…

…that the damage he had inflicted upon Ban Ryu’s soul yet remained with him.  He could not outrun the echoes.  Or the terrible questions.  Or the knowledge that he should have chosen a different path.  He should have stood up to the evil which Minister Park had represented.  And Ban Ryu should have refused to commit the deeds which that heinous councilor had required of him.  All of them.

But…he had not.  He had faltered in his resolve.  Not the night of the performance.  When it wouldn’t have made such a difference.  No, Ban Ryu had failed to choose right when many lives had been at stake. 

And the guilt was now crushing him.

If only he could atone for his many sins some way.

But there was nothing he could do to bring those lives back from an early grave.  He could not erase the blood that had stained his hands.  And those of his king.  He could only…serve him to the best of his ability.  Putting his life on the line often to protect the royal family.

How Minister Park would have ground his teeth at Ban Ryu’s present actions!  And at his commitment to the crown.

Ban Ryu smiled in secret pleasure.  That now, at least, he was doing something to thwart all the wicked intentions of that cruel, old man.  Ban Ryu’s final revenge.  In the end, he had overcome Minister Park.  By siding with the other hwarang in supporting Jin Heung. 

But the consequences for him personally were…disappointing.  He was, after all, quite alone now.  No status.  No fortune.  No connections.  Simply, a hwarang.  Indebted to a young king.

It was, perhaps, just what he deserved for his earlier cowardice. 

No.  It was more than he deserved.  If he had truly delivered those people to death, then he deserved to be lying in a cold grave alongside Minister Park’s decaying body.

But such a truth didn’t stop him from longing for something better.  For the light which he’d seen shining from a certain young lady’s eyes.  For the grace pouring from her smile.  For the warmth of her embrace.  And the favor of her kiss.

He sighed. 

He would never have Soo Yeon now.