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“Dan Se.”  Her soft voice sounded behind him.  Surprising him.

He turned to face her.

“Tell me the whole of it.”

A deep ravine suddenly cracked his forehead in half.  “The whole of what?”

“How did you come to kill your brother?  Start at the beginning, please.  And proceed to the end.  And I will try not to interrupt you.  Or to read anything into what you say.”

“What?”

She took a step towards him.  “I need the whole truth.  Whatever it is.”

He stared at her in silence for a few moments.  The last time he had attempted to have this conversation with her, it had ended in disaster.

“What if I do not wish to tell you?” he murmured quietly.

“I need to know.”

“Why?”

“Because that moment of your life defined who you are today.  And I cannot help you to heal fully if I do not understand what motivated you to kill your brother.”

“Nothing motivated me to kill my brother!” he gasped.  “Dear God!  Is that what you think of me?  Still?  After all that has passed between us?  You still think I’m capable of murdering my brother?”

“No,” she whispered.  “I do not.  That is why I am here right now.”  She took a deep breath.  “Dan Se.  What happened?”

Of course, Jung Sook had already told her the truth.  But Mi Sook wanted to hear it from Dan Se’s own lips.  She wanted to climb into his head and heart and see it from his perspective.  How else was she to help him?  Or herself? 

This felt like their last chance.

He heaved a deep sigh and turned away from her.  To gaze out the window once again.  He stood staring out at the beautiful scene before him.  But truly, he did not see it.  He could see only the terrified face of his baby brother as Han Sung stepped in front of his blade.

“Minister Park refused an audience with my grandfather.  That is where it began.  It ended with Han Sung’s death.”

“No,” she breathed the word.

He turned towards her in confusion.  “No?”

“It did not end with Han Sung’s death.  For you and I are still bound up in what happened that day.  Tell me the whole of it,” she insisted, weighing each of her final words heavily.

He sighed just as heavily.  “My grandfather said that if he could not be adopted into Minister Park’s family, that would be the end of my family.  He said that the only way Minister Park would accept him again was if he brought him the head of the king.”  His heart sank as he remembered believing that his hwarang, his friend, Seon Woo, was the king.

His voice wavered for a moment then strengthened as he continued, “I was Seon Woo’s Nando then.  We practiced swordplay together all the time.  My grandfather believed Seon Woo was the king.  And he asked me to bring him his head.  He told me that if I failed in such a mission, he – and Han Sung – would drink poison.”  He glanced up at her.  “So, you see, I was trying to save my brother from death.  Not to kill him myself.”

Tears clouded her vision.  Jung Sook had told her this, but hearing it confirmed by his own lips horrified her.  She flew across the room towards him.

“Oh, Dan Se!”

She came to an abrupt halt.  Directly in front of him.  And gazed up at him out of stricken eyes.  But she was afraid to touch him.  Though she longed to throw herself at him and wrap him tightly in her embrace.

He stared down at her out of hollow eyes.  Seeing that fateful day in his mind’s eye.  “I challenged Seon Woo to a fight.  We were alone.  I didn’t think anyone would try to intervene.  I planned it that way.  Though, honestly, I was so upset that I rushed to do my grandfather’s bidding.  Praying the whole time that Seon Woo would strike me first.”

She gasped.  “You wanted to die?”

Forced by her horrified sound to acknowledge her presence, he focused his eyes on hers then.  “Of course, I wanted to die!” he cried out instantly.  A sob was bubbling up from deep within him now.  “I didn’t want to kill my best friend!”  He stopped abruptly.

“Please.  Continue.”  She held herself erect.  And utterly still.  Though she yet yearned to fling herself at him.

“I told him not to let me nick him.  I told him to strike me first if he saw an opening.  But he didn’t.”  That sob escaped suddenly.  “And I did.  As I prepared to strike that fatal blow, Han Sung appeared and stepped between us.  He didn’t know that I had wiped the poison on my blade.  He reached out to grab it.”  He choked on another sob then and stopped speaking.

“Oh, Dan Se,” her voice broke, following her heart.

And she couldn’t contain herself any longer.  She stepped forward.  Throwing her arms around him.  And hugged him tight.

“I don’t deserve your pity,” he mumbled.  Still standing stiff.

“Unbend,” she whispered fiercely.  “Unbend.  Let it all out.”

“I should have found another solution.  I should have…”

“Shhh,” she cut off his self-recrimination.  And hugged him tighter.  “Please, Dan Se, hold me.”

Powerless against that sweet voice, he gave in to it immediately.  His arms lifted to embrace her. 

Her face was already nestled against his chest.  So he bent his head, buried his nose in the crook of her neck, and inhaled.  She smelled like…

Lilacs.

He had always loved lilacs.  They’d been blooming in his grandfather’s garden the day that he’d first seen Mi Sook.  How perfect that she smelled like them.  He smiled for a moment.

Before the grief of his brother’s death bubbled up again.  Then his arms embraced her hard, squeezing her tight against him as he wept into her hair. 

And Mi Sook did her best to wrap him up in her affection for him.  And to ignore the pain in her back.

His sobs broke against the top of her head.  And he wept as he had that first night.  When he had lain on the floor after she’d first confronted him about his brother’s death.  Only, tonight was different.  For she knew the whole truth now.  And she had lived with him for a few days.  And they had shared a few intimate moments.  Deep conversation.  The baring of souls.  A few innocent kisses.  The brush of his fingers along her skin.  Mostly, in an effort to heal it.

Now she was attempting to heal his heart.  He understood that that’s what this was.  Mi Sook wanted to steal his pain.  As he wanted to relieve hers.

“Mi Sook,” he whispered brokenly.  “You may not want me.  You may not trust me.  But,” he drew away from her to gaze down into her eyes, “I love you.”

Time stood still as she stared up at him in surprise.  She swallowed.

“I want nothing more,” he gasped as his eyes traveled behind him…towards his bed, “than to spend the night with you – the whole night with you – in that bed.  And to awake with you in my arms in the morning.  I realize that this may be more than you ever want from me, but I—”

She sealed off the remainder of that sentence as she shoved against his chest, and he stumbled backward.  His arms falling away from her.  She followed him and pushed him again.  This time he fell onto that bed.  Shocked, he gazed up at her as she continued to follow him.  Climbing on top of him.  She bent her head and continued to seal off any protest on his part with a sweet kiss. 

She’d wanted to kiss him ever since he’d confessed his love to her.  But she was so much shorter than he was!  She’d spent a few seconds trying to figure out how to reach those delightful lips of his.  She’d finally given up and simply knocked him over.

“Is it really true that you fell for me?” she teased him a moment later.

He gazed up at her as she hovered over him.  “I thought you…despised me.”

“No, Dan Se.  I could never despise you.”  Her brow clouded over.  “But I do have one very serious concern.”

“What?”

“Why did you go drink last night?  Were you trying to drown your pain over Han Sung’s death?”

He nodded.

“Did it work?”

“What?”

“Did getting drunk solve anything?”

“No,” he pouted.  “It just made things worse.  You kicked me out of your bed.” 

“And I’ll do it again.  For good.  If you ever get drunk again,” she insisted firmly.  Gazing down at him fiercely.

His gaze drank in her countenance hungrily before pursuing her own eyes.  “Why did you kick me out?  I don’t understand.  One minute, you’re kicking me out of your bed.  The next, you’re knocking me down onto my own bed and kissing me.  I’m mightily confused, woman.”

She sighed as she allowed her eyes to drift away from his.  “I don’t suppose you can understand it all.  Did your grandfather ever drink and lose his temper?”

He shook his head.  “My grandfather rarely drank.”

“Ah.  That explains it then.”

“Explains what?”

“Why you claimed to rarely drink.”

“I didn’t just claim it, Mi Sook.  It’s true.  I’ve drunk liquor only four times.”

“What?” she gasped in surprise.

He nodded.  “The first time was the night after Han Sung’s death.  I got so drunk I spent hours puking.  It wasn’t worth it.  Though it was less than I deserved,” he muttered.

“Stop that,” she rebuked him sharply.  “You do not deserve to be punished for Han Sung’s death.  You have punished yourself quite enough for something that was completely an accident.”

A sob bubbled up from deep within him again.  “It doesn’t feel like an accident.  If I hadn’t put the poison on the blade…if I hadn’t challenged Seon Woo…if I hadn’t threatened him…”

“Stop it, love.”  She framed his face between her palms.  “Stop torturing yourself.  Nothing will bring Han Sung back.  I’m sorry.  I am so sorry, Dan Se.”  Her own voice broke as she began to weep over him.  “But wasn’t the loss of him punishment enough?”

They clung to one another and sobbed for several precious moments that cemented their love for each other.  Grieving together over a boy whom they had both adored.  Each in their own complicated way.

“I know how badly it hurts,” she finally whispered.  “I too lost a brother.”

He gasped.  “What?”

She nodded.  “It’s true.  He was just an infant.”  Her voice caught on a sob. 

“Oh, Mi Sook!”

“My…my father blamed me for his death.” 

There.  She’d forced the words out.  Painful as they had been.

“What?” he asked, horrified.

She stared off into space.  No longer seeing their opulent surroundings.  Instead, she saw the blue face of her tiny brother.  She cringed. 

“I was supposed to be watching him.  My father was taking my mother to task for something in another room.  She had left the baby with me.  Most likely, to shield him from my father’s anger.  She had wrapped him up in a blanket and set him in his crib to sleep.  I checked on him.  But he was so quiet that I assumed he was peacefully sleeping.  She returned a few minutes later.”  She paused.  “He never woke up.”

“Did he get bound up in his blanket?” Dan Se asked.

She shook her head.  “I made sure that his face was uncovered the whole time.  He simply…stopped breathing.  But I guess I didn’t notice.  He just looked like he was sleeping to me.”

Dan Se frowned, a deep furrow growing between his brows.  “How old were you, love?”

“Four years old.”

His heart released a sharp pang.  “Mi Sook,” he breathed quietly, “please tell me that you know that your brother’s death wasn’t your fault.”

She gazed up at him as great teardrops filled her eyes.  “Wasn’t it?”

“No.  Sometimes, babies stop breathing.  For no reason that anyone has been able to explain.  You were a faithful guardian.  And…even if you hadn’t been…you were a tiny child yourself!  Your mother should have left him in the care of a servant.  Or watched over him herself.  And your father…”  Dan Se’s anger began to boil again.  “To abandon his baby to verbally abuse his wife and then to blame his tiny daughter…Can I please flay the man alive?” he queried with sudden vehemence.

She blinked at his passionate response, and several tears slid down her cheeks.  His heart bent towards her again, and he reached up to cradle her cheeks between his palms.  “Oh, my love, I am so sorry that you have carried that unjust burden on your shoulders all these years.  Let me relieve you of it.  You are not responsible for that little boy’s death.”

She burst into tears and buried her face against his chest.  Then she began to sob out all that ancient pain.  While Dan Se held her close and planted tender kisses in her hair.

It had been so many years ago now, but the pain was just as fresh as if it had happened yesterday.  She had never before spoken of it to anyone.  So all this time, nothing had alleviated her guilt.  And now, Dan Se was insisting that she had carried it to no purpose.  It was more than she could absorb at once, yet she allowed his words to soothe her troubled heart.  And she clung to him.  For he had become her lifeline.  And her truest source of solace.

After the storm had passed, as she lay in his arms – arms that he, still cognizant of her bruises, had loosely draped over her – she ventured another question.  Turning her attention back towards him.

“When was the second time you drank?”

He fell silent.

“Dan Se.  Tell me,” her voice brooked neither argument nor avoidance.

“The night you accused me of murdering my brother.”

She gasped.  Her words had hurt him that deeply?

“Oh, Dan Se!  I am so sorry.”

“No, no.  No.”  He shook his head.  “It’s okay.  Everything you believed of me was justified.  In your shoes, I probably would have thought the same thing.”

He swallowed.  “I…I was grief-stricken that night.  I knew that you had no wish to marry me.  That you had been backed into a corner.  And I couldn’t figure out how else to save you.  Marriage seemed the only answer.  But I knew what I was signing you up for.  A life married to me.  When you could have had Han Sung….”

“You got drunk because you felt bad for me?” she uttered in disbelief.

“Well, that, and you’d reopened the wound.  I was smarting something awful.”

“Dan Se, can you promise me something?  But only if it’s a promise you can keep.”

“What?”

“Promise me that you will never drown your sorrow in spirits again.  Promise me that if you’re hurting that badly, you’ll come talk to me instead.”

“What if you won’t listen?”

“Then you can use a safe word.”

“What’s a safe word?”

“Something that will get my attention.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that when I hear it, no matter how angry or upset I am, I will know that your heart is in danger, and that I must listen to what you have to say.  If you will promise me this, then I will promise to control my fear and give you a chance to speak.”

“What’s the safe word?”

“Han Sung.”

It was a phrase that would forever pierce them both.  Han Sung had been emblazoned into both of their memories.  A precious boy whom they had both loved.  They had from their earliest moments together shared a fondness for his brother.  And though time could mute the pain, nothing would ever erase him from their memories.  Or steal the trauma of his death from their hearts.

His name was both a cautionary tale and a bittersweet memory.  But it was one thing that bound them together.  For he was the reason that they had married.  Han Sung had brought Dan Se and Mi Sook together.  So it was fitting that his name should keep them together when the going got tough again.

He inhaled sharply.  But he nodded at her.  “Han Sung, it is.”

Soberly, she gazed up at him. 

“And, Mi Sook?  If your heart is hurting over your brother, if that stupid guilt begins to eat away at you again, I want you to tell me.  Let me comfort you.  You need only speak his name.”  He wrinkled his brow.  “What was it?”

“Mi Sun.”

“Mi Sun.”  He smiled down at her.  Then his expression grew solemn.  “He was your only sibling?”

She nodded.  “Another reason my father hated me.  I wasn’t smart enough to be born a boy.”

“Mi Sook,” his tone admonished her.  Then he grinned at her.  “If you had been, I couldn’t have married you.”

Her lips flipped upwards in response to his sweet words.  And all that they implied.

“You are glad you married me then?” she whispered uncertainly.

“Very glad.”  Conviction vibrated in his voice.  “You are the best gift Han Sung left me.”

Their eyes collided again, and her heart lurched.  As they stared at one another, they both knew that they were remembering the boy who had chased butterflies through their garden.  And inspired them both to adore him.