She gasped and continued to gaze solemnly up at him. “I was?”
He nodded. “I feel like…you still are.”
Her heart began to dance crazily in her chest. To cover her confusion, she tore her gaze away from his and turned a little away from him.
“How can that be? I haven’t seen you in fourteen years. But for a few casual moments here and there.”
His eyes still glued to her, he reached out and slid his fingers along hers. Shocked by his bold touch, she froze.
What did Yeo Wool want from her?
Her heart continued to pound with increasing speed. She closed her eyes. But this action simply sharpened the caress of his fingers against hers. She felt him step up closer to her until his chest brushed against her back. His hand continued to cover hers as his fingertips slid along the back of her hand. Sending all sorts of delicious sensations sliding along her nerves.
Why wasn’t she afraid of him?
She had never let any man but Se Ho this close to her.
“It doesn’t matter,” Yeo Wool breathed. “I’ve never been able to get you out of my heart. Nor would I want to.”
The rate of her breathing had rapidly increased over the last few seconds. His nearness was exciting her. But it was also a little nerve-wracking. Her eyes still closed, she attempted to calm herself. But then those tender fingers continued to slide up her arm. And she was wracked by more wonderful sensations. But her response to his touch was beginning to startle her now.
She debated turning towards him. But if she did, what would happen? Would he kiss her? Here. In his grandmother’s garden?
Perhaps if he did, it would be appropriate. This was, after all, where they had met the first time. But his grandmother had died today. Was he just seeking comfort? Would he awake tomorrow to discover that her kisses hadn’t tasted as tempting as the thought of them had been? Was her allure found only in his lack of experience?
What was his aim? She was a widow with two small daughters. He couldn’t possibly be fathoming a marriage with her, could he? Was he hoping for a less savory relationship then?
She felt herself hardening at that thought. She would never be a man’s plaything.
What her heart craved was the union of the friendship in which she had indulged with Se Ho and the passion that she had seen light some of her friends’ eyes as they spoke of their husbands. The obvious ardor that existed between Soo Ho and Jung Sook.
But how could she ever have such a combination of craving and camaraderie with Yeo Wool? A committed relationship that brought both her and her children security. Se Ho had left her well provided for financially. All her physical comforts had been seen to. But she yearned for a home in which both she and her daughters were safe. Both physically and emotionally.
This man was still quite young. He probably wouldn’t seek a girl’s hand in marriage for some time yet. And he would always be three years younger than she. When he decided to marry, he must want to choose a girl fresh from the schoolroom. Perhaps one of Jung Sook’s students. Men preferred younger wives. Such a virile young man couldn’t possibly want to commit himself to a woman three years his senior. No matter how fond he still was of her.
So she drew slowly away from him and wandered over to a row of blossoming flowers. She squatted down to smell one. Even as she spoke. Seeming to ignore his last words.
“How long are you committed to the hwarang?”
Yeo Wool felt sad. She’d pulled away from him. He had felt some invisible wall ascend between them. Today was too much. He’d just lost his beloved grandmother. Now Sam Sook was slipping away from him.
“I don’t know. As long as I’m young enough to fight, I suppose.”
She didn’t meet his eyes. “Your duty puts you in quite a lot of danger, I imagine.”
He sobered instantly. Is that what had scared her off? She didn’t wish to be tied to a man who might perish in a swordfight.
It made sense. She had already buried one husband. And she had two young daughters to raise still. She didn’t want to be left alone again. She didn’t want to go through the process of loss once more.
“It does,” he spoke softly. He straightened. “But I love my king. I am content to protect him.”
She turned towards him then as she stood. And faced him squarely. “The idea of dying young doesn’t bother you?”
“The idea of an insecure kingdom bothers me much more,” he replied honestly. His face grew more serious as he continued, “I have seen a boy felled by his brother’s sword. By accident. I have seen an old woman not wake up from a nap. Perhaps that, at least, was in the normal order of things. I have seen men grievously wounded in combat return to fight again.
“Life does not always make sense. Some people survive against all odds. And some seem destroyed by freak circumstances. I won’t stop living my life to the fullest because of fear of the unknown. Or because of that over which I have no control.”
“Are you rebuking me?” she asked in some astonishment after a silent moment.
“What?” he queried, startled by the ire which he saw creeping into her face.
“Do you think I’m scared?” she breathed as her heart began to pound again. “I cannot afford to think only of myself. I have two little girls to take care of. I must think about what is best for them. Ahead of myself.”
“But someday they shall grow up. And you will be left all alone. What then?”
She sighed and turned away from him again. “I imagine I shall continue to live much the same as I have for several years now.”
“Several years?” he queried with a furrow of his brow.
Her youngest was three years old. It seemed to him that she and her husband had enjoyed a healthy relationship until nearly the end of his life.
She remained silent.
“Are you implying that you’ve walked alone for several years?”
She hid her eyes from him. “There is more than one way to walk alone,” was all to which she would commit.
She drew a sudden deep breath. “Yeo Wool, I have kept you too long today. I am being selfish. Your family needs you. I should take my leave of you now.”
His eyes slid sadly over the elegant slope of her head. “Will you come visit me again?” he murmured softly.
She turned to face him once more. And her face broke into a sweet smile. “But, of course. We are…friends. Are we not?”
The sorrow in his gaze deepened, and she felt pierced through by it.
I want to be so much more than your friend.
“Friends.” His lips quirked upward into a humorless smile. “Yes. I suppose we have always been simply friends.”
Of course, when he’d known her before, he’d had no desire for anything deeper than simple companionship. He had been a child. Such things would never have occurred to him. Nor would they have interested him then. But the moment that he’d seen her in the marketplace with her girls, he had known that he yearned for every single thing that this woman would ever be willing to give him.
Apparently, friendship was the only thing on his list that she could manage.
She heard the longing in his voice. And blinked in surprise. Her eyes delved the depths of his for a few quiet moments.
“Truly, you barely know me,” she uttered in astonishment. “I grew up in another village. And you, here. We are hardly children anymore, Yeo Wool. Especially, not I.”
“You think I do not know you,” he breathed out as understanding instantly dawned.
“Nor I, you.”
He nodded. “I see. I will not keep you any longer today.”
He bowed sadly to her before she turned and left him alone. In his grandmother’s garden. Bereft of the old woman’s comfort. And of his heart’s greatest desire.
