Chocolate Kisses – Chapter 31: Lovingkindness

I stepped out of the hotel into the crisp, autumn air.  It was still dark outside.  I was thankful for that cover as I huddled deeper into Kookie’s hoodie and made my way down the sidewalk.  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him emerge from the hotel behind me and turn the opposite direction as he headed towards his rental car.  A few moments later, he threw the passenger door open, and I jumped into the seat next to him.  

What was I doing?  I had the odd feeling that we were going to escape the city together.  I was leaving Chicago alone with Jungkook.  A man I barely knew.  The insanity of the moment struck my heart with fear for a second.  But my love for Kookie rescued me.  I believed in him.  I believed the best of him.  He would never hurt me.  Right?

Then another question plagued me.  Did we have time for this little excursion?  Or would Kookie be late for practice?  I didn’t want to be the cause if he was.  

I glanced over at him.  His eyes were on the road in front of us.  We drove in silence for a few minutes.  Soon enough it became obvious to me that we were driving out of the city.  

The traffic grew thinner and thinner.   Eventually, we were on a lonely road with few cars in sight.  The rising sun finally began to illuminate the road ahead of us.  My eyes took in the flat plains of Illinois, ones I was very familiar with, though Kookie couldn’t possibly know that.  I knew where this road led.  

He took off his sunglasses and put them in the cupholder next to his seat.  I followed suit.

“Kookie, where are we going?”

“For a morning hike.”

“What?” I turned incredulous eyes towards him.

“There’s a state park I want to check out.”

“Kookie, it’s another half an hour of driving, for sure!”

He turned to look at me.  “You’re familiar with it?”

I nodded.  “I’ve been there before.”

“Is it beautiful?” Something wistful in his tone captured my attention and struck an echoing chord in my own heart.

“Very,” I responded.

His eyes caught my own in a fervent embrace.  “Perfect.”

No matter how hard I resisted, I found myself falling into those stunning, obsidian orbs once more.  I sighed.  I could stare into his eyes all day long and never get bored.  I don’t know why.

Then, sadly, he broke our eye contact to glance at the road again.

“Are you hungry?” he asked a moment later.

Hungry?  My stomach was still tied in knots.  How could I possibly be hungry?

I shook my head.  “Not really,” I whispered.

He glanced my way, and then he lifted his hand.  It came to rest on top of mine.  “I upset you this morning, didn’t I?”

I could hear the concern in his voice. I had broken his heart, but he was acting like he was the bad guy. 

“No, Kookie…”

“Don’t lie.  Not even to spare my feelings.  I pushed it with you. If I hadn’t tried to kiss you, then you wouldn’t—”

“Have hurt you.  Kookie, I’m so sorry.  I don’t want to hurt you.”  Tears were pooling in my eyes again.

His hand squeezed mine.  “Grace, it’s all right.  Really.  It is.  I know you don’t want to hurt me.  I also know you’re afraid.  I moved too fast.  I scared you.  That’s on me.  I just…I knew our time was short…and precious.  I didn’t want to waste it.”  He glanced at my lips once more.  “And I really wanted to kiss you.”  He looked at the road for a minute before turning towards me again.  “I want to kiss you still.” 

There we sat in Kookie’s rental car, side by side, wearing matching black hoodies.  His warm hand clinging to my own still.  His words ringing in my ears.  And my heart was thundering away again.  It was racing so loudly; the blood was rushing into my ears. I seemed to barely be able to hear over the beat of my own heart.

And I could have sworn that I could already feel the pressure of Kookie’s mouth against my own.  I could feel all the resultant emotions that would surely follow that momentous kiss.  The world seemed to be flipping upside down.  Or was it right-side up?

I looked at him, my heart in my eyes.  I loved him so much.  At least, I thought I did.  But was the image I had fallen in love with the same as the man who dwelt inside the heart sitting next to me?  He was a sweetheart.  Of that, I was certain.  But were we as compatible as he thought?  As I thought?  Did we have what it took to survive when the first blush of true love wore off?  As it would surely do after a while.  When love became a choice and not just a feeling?  In fact, when the feeling had fled, would the choosing still be true?  When we had fought over some stupid thing that we both cherished in our hearts, would we have the wherewithal to lay it down and embrace each other instead?

I spoke very quietly, yet I could hear the passion leaking into my own voice, “Would you still choose me five years from now when you could have another?”  I was speaking to my car window.  In that moment I lacked the courage to look at him.  “When you find a girl far more beautiful – and there are many, many who would pursue you.  When you find a girl flirtier than I, and you will be surrounded by them.  When I am far from you and you can no longer discern your feelings for me, will your faithfulness to me stand the test of time and distance?  When another girl threatens to kiss those ruby lips of yours, will you forbid her?”  My eyes found those luscious lips, and I sighed inwardly, making myself continue to say things that I would rather keep locked inside.  “Will you forsake all others and choose only me?”

I paused for a full minute.  Kookie drove on in silence.  Keeping his eyes on the road.  Then I continued in the same steady, calm voice.  How was it so steady?  I felt turbulent waters rising within me, yet they did not communicate themselves through my voice.  

“I cannot answer this question.  Only you can.  But please, I beg you, if you’ve even one tiny doubt in your head or heart, spare me now.  For I may not be the most beautiful or the most ravishing, but there is one thing I am certain of.  You will never find a woman more faithful.  I have a steadfast heart, Kookie, and once I give it to you, it will be yours forever.”  I stopped again.  Finally, I found the courage to whisper, “So, I beg you, please don’t play with my heart.  Don’t tease me.  Don’t promise me things you can’t deliver.  I would rather we parted tomorrow as simply friends than that you broke my heart three years from now.”

I felt something wet hit my hand.  Glancing down, I realized I had begun to cry again. Frustrated with myself I dug around in my purse searching for a Kleenex with my right hand.  My left one was still firmly held in Kookie’s.  I wiped my tears away and blew my nose.  I hate blowing my nose in front of people.  But Kookie might as well see the worst of me now before he gives his heart away to a honking goose.  But somehow, the blast of my nose didn’t terrify him.  Though it embarrassed me, he still held my hand in his own.  I sighed and leaned my forehead against the cold pane of the window to my right.   We were both quiet for several minutes.  I was nervous.  I had no idea what Kookie was thinking.  He gave no indication.  He simply kept driving, his eyes on the road stretching before us.  Yet, his hand never left mine. 

 

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