“I know what it’s like,” Tae murmured into her hair as he rested his head against Julieta’s.
“You know what what’s like?” she whispered, staring off into the distant past.
“Saying goodbye to someone you love.”
A tear leaked out of her eye. “I never said goodbye to them.”
“Yes. That’s the problem, you know?” he prodded her gently.
“Problem?”
“It’s why your heart won’t heal.”
She squeezed her eyes shut.
“You think that if you say goodbye, then you will forget them, but you won’t. They’ll always be a part of you, you know?” He paused for a moment to choose his words carefully. “But while you refuse to let them go, you continue to hurt yourself. And Tia too, I’d wager.”
She lifted her head off of his shoulder, ready to rebuke him icily. But then her eyes contacted his, and she saw the depth of understanding contained therein, and she sighed instead.
“You’re only hurting yourself. You know that, don’t you, Julieta?”
It was true. She met his eyes. He read the truth in them.
“What did you do to deserve this great punishment you’re handing out to yourself?”
“It was my fault!” The words came out in a passionate, heart-rending rush.
“What was your fault?” He furrowed his brow, clearly confused.
“Their deaths. They’re dead because of me. Because we had to celebrate my birthday!”
“What?” Shocked, disturbed even, Tae sat up straight. “Julieta, that’s insane! It wasn’t your fault!”
“No! Tae, it was! They left to go get supplies for my party. They were shot in the store.”
“You pulled the trigger, huh?” Tae’s chocolate brown eyes slid towards her.
She met his gaze. “No! Of course, I didn’t pull the trigger!”
“But I thought you said it was your fault. That you killed them?”
“No,” she blew out a long breath in frustration. “Of course, I didn’t actually wield the gun. But don’t you see? If they hadn’t been trying to celebrate my birthday, then they wouldn’t have been in that store, and they wouldn’t have been shot.”
“Julieta, that is ludicrous reasoning. Maybe they would have been there to buy a gallon of milk instead or a box of cereal. Maybe they would have been hit by a car out on the street. Or maybe your dad would have had a heart attack at home. You can’t blame yourself because they did what any loving parents would have done…they loved you well. Your perspective has been all wrong. Instead of being mad at yourself, you could be thanking God that you had parents that adored you that much.”
“But it’s so unfair that they were stolen from me!”
“Yes. It is so unfair. And it’s unfair that many kids have parents who hate them or abandon them or abuse them from the time they are tiny. Life isn’t fair, Julieta. That’s why we have to look for the things we can be thankful for. And it sounds to me like you had many of those things. At least until your parents died.” He gazed at her, his face scrunched in thought. “How do you think they would feel if they could see you now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Would they be happy that you’ve spent ten years blaming yourself for their deaths? Denying your own happiness? Punishing their precious daughter? Would they applaud your efforts? Would their hearts be happy?”
She shook her head, defeated. “Of course not.”
“Then let it go, love. Let it go. Let yourself off the hook. Recognize that you were just a defenseless kid who lost her parents too soon. And recognize how greatly loved you were. And accept that it’s ok to be happy now. It’s ok to pursue your own joy. Apart from them. Even apart from their memory.” He glanced at her, compassion brimming from his eyes. “It’s ok to keep on living. It’s ok to have a life without them in it. And to enjoy it.” There were tears in his eyes as he looked at her. “It’s ok,” he whispered. “Embrace life. Embrace love. Be happy, Julieta.”
