This story is dedicated to you if you have ever been abused by someone bigger, stronger, and seemingly more powerful than you. You are not alone. You are infinitely precious. And the trauma you endured is not your fault. Know that you are so loved. And whatever trauma you have been through – it does NOT define you. You are a beautiful rose, a lovely lily, a most precious gem.
Rated M for Mature. This story deals with some difficult topics and involves some graphic situations.
Jungkook wished he could take Hyejin somewhere to look up at the stars. But they lived in Seoul. Home to ten million people. And just as many lights. The stars were invisible here. He sighed with longing for a moonlit beach. He could see the light of that moon reflecting off the dark waves of the sea. He’d take Hyejin’s hand, interlacing their fingers, then he’d pull her through the sand towards the shoreline. They’d play in the wet sand and the glowing surf. Then, they’d study the stars and the moon together before he bent his head and kissed her sweetly.
But that was a fantasy. An impossibility. Unless he wanted to drive half the night. And he wasn’t even sure anymore that Hyejin wanted him to kiss her. He felt so confused still.
They both sat silent during the entire ride to her house. Jungkook parked the car. Then he turned towards her. Someone had to put their heart on the line here. He decided if she brushed him off, it was no worse than dropping her at her door and driving off right now would be.
“I wish I could drive for half the night and take you to a moonlit beach. That we could hold hands and walk along looking at the stars.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “You do?” she whispered as a tear trickled down her cheek.
“Very much,” he breathed.
He wanted to do so much more. He wanted to taste those crimson lips of hers. To drink her in like the sweetest wine. To bury his face in her luxuriant, midnight hair. He could imagine losing his hands in her thick masses. And then piling them up in his palms. He really wanted to hold her hand too. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d done that.
Suddenly, he felt her warm fingers sliding along his hand. He opened his fingers and accepted the clasp of her fingers as she entwined them with his own. Their fingers kissing, the warmth of her palm melding with the heat of his own, he realized how badly he’d desired this intimate touch.
She had learned over the last few months just how much her heart could yearn for this boy. Honestly, it scared her, but not enough to scare her away. She had decided at some point – when, exactly? – that if he ever really looked her way again, she would risk it all and sacrifice anything necessary to be with him.
“Kookie, I love you.”
His breath caught on her words. She hadn’t said that to him in a long while.
Hearing the odd sound that he’d made, she glanced over at him. “What is it?”
“It’s been a long time since you said that. I wasn’t sure you still felt that way about me.”
“Kookie…”
“I’m so sorry, Hyejin. For all of it…” He drew their interlocked hands up to his mouth and kissed the back of her hand.
She closed her eyes and leaned back as his lips played along her skin. They slid down her hand and then back up again. Did he have any idea of the havoc he was causing on the inside of her? Her stomach was doing a series of tumbles right now. Flipping first one way and then another. She really, really wanted him to kiss her. She’d had six months to think about it. She was tired of waiting.
“Kookie…” She suddenly sighed as he kissed her hand again. She wished she could see his beautiful face better. But the interior of the car was dark.
“I love you, Hyejin. I’m sorry I haven’t said it for months. It’s not like me. I usually say it a lot to people I love. I just…I got in a funk when I thought you had begun to like someone else. I didn’t want to pressure you…I didn’t want to put my heart on the line. When I did that in the beginning, you asked to be just friends to see how things went. I thought you’d decided to pull away from me. It broke my heart. So I retreated.”
“Kookie…” Now her heart was breaking. All these months he’d been mourning the loss of her when he couldn’t have been farther from the truth. “I love you so much. In the beginning, I was afraid you were just enamored with me because it was all so new. I figured you’d get around all your fans and see tons of pretty girls and decide that I wasn’t anything special after all.”
“Hyejin, that’s just not true! You are amazing! You are special to me.”
“Really? Why? I — I’m still not sure I understand what you see in me. And I have to admit it makes me really uncomfortable to think of all the girls around the world who are attracted to you and putting your pictures up on their walls.”
“You saw me, Hyejin. When you didn’t have any idea who I was, you saw me. I think you still see me. When I’m with you, and you laugh at something I say or do, I never think, ‘I wonder if she’s just with me because I’m Jungkook of BTS.’ I know you like me for me. I might have believed that you had found a different guy to date. But I’ve always known our friendship is genuine. That you are genuine.”
Her eyes traced the outline of his face in the darkness. Her heart had just shifted violently in her chest. His life must be, on some levels, supremely difficult. To always wonder if people liked him for his true self. To always feel an intense pressure to please everyone.
“I’m sorry, Kookie, that your position makes you question so many people’s motives. It must be terrible sometimes to have your true self hidden behind a persona. Do you ever get tired of JK?”
Sometimes, intensely tired. But he loved his ARMYs. And he knew they loved JK, the golden boy. The Golden Maknae, who was good at everything and had no fears.
But Jungkook wasn’t sure he was that person at all deep down. For he’d begun to have a lot of fears concerning Hyejin. Love was scary. And messy. It was definitely easier in some respects to be alone. He hadn’t asked to fall in love with her. But he had. And it had been a painful experience. It was far safer to be beloved of millions of girls around the world than it was to be loved by one girl in his own backyard. One who knew the real him. It left him supremely vulnerable.
