Namjoon carried the book with him. He couldn’t seem to put it down. It was too precious. He felt like he had to guard it with his life. She’d put all her thoughts down on paper for him. Just for him. How could he leave it where someone else might find it? Her heart had been reserved for him alone. The thought of someone else taking a peek at it was excruciatingly painful.
She glanced at him.
“Joonie, you don’t have to carry it everywhere.”
“Yes, I do! No one else can read it!”
Her heart made an involuntary leap when he spoke with such passion. She felt like crying.
“You can keep it, you know. That’s your copy. I’m not going to take it away from you.”
He simply stared at her. “You’re going to leave it with me?”
“Yes.”
“When do you return to America?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. The end of next summer, perhaps?”
“What?” He stared at her in shock. He’d thought she was here on a vacation.
“I’m a student at the university.”
“Where? In Seoul?”
“Yes.”
His heart shot to the moon and then began its slow descent. Why had he thought she was here in South Korea for only a short time?
She saw the surprise on his face. “You thought I…” her voice trailed off.
“I thought you were here on a vacation.” He nodded at her. “That you were headed home on Monday.”
She shook her head. “Nope. Just back to class…”
He was grinning from ear to ear. He made her smile too. Then he reached out with his free hand and grabbed her own.
“Come on!”
“Where are we going?”
“There’s something I want to show you…”
—
He had brought her to Ilsan Lake Park. Breeze was shocked by the beauty of Ilsan. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting. A rural village with fishing? Or maybe a crowded city paved in ugly concrete with cold skyscrapers reaching up to touch the clouds. Instead, she had found Ilsan to be a pleasant surprise. It was a thriving metropolis yet so breathtakingly beautiful. Nature dotted the city: flowers, trees, islands, lakes, pathways. Colors exploding out of concrete and high rises. So unexpected. So lovely. She smiled as she heard Jimin’s voice repeating that word in her head. “Love-uh-lee.”
She and Namjoon walked along, his fingers intertwined with her own. Every so often he’d gesture toward something, and her book would come into view again as his hand moved it upward. She was here with him because of that book. It was an impossibility. Yet it was true. This day had gone on far too long to be a daydream. The sun shining overhead was far too bright for it to be a dream in the night. This moment in time was real.
They walked along the lake, and she stared out at the beautiful water. The sun shimmered off its surface, reminding her that the future was looking brighter than it had just yesterday. She turned to smile at the man standing next to her. She discovered that he was already staring at her. Her stomach flipped upside down. She found she couldn’t breathe again. What was that look in his eyes?
He knew there was a bench nearby. He had a burning curiosity to hear more of her thoughts. He wanted her to read more of her letters to him. He wanted her heart to invade his own. He tugged on her hand. Then he led her to the bench. They sat down, overlooking the water, and he handed her the book.
“Please. Read something else to me.”
She opened the book and turned to a particular page.
“Dear Joonie.
“You see worlds. Bright, beautiful, burning worlds swirling inside my soul.
“‘I have a galaxy within me.’ 1
“Do I really, Joonie? Sometimes I feel so small, but you’re telling me I’m so big. That my heart contains a universe. Is it really true? If it is, why has no one told me so before you?”
I don’t know, love.
“You say you believe in love, you believe in hope, but where is love? If he would appear, then I would believe in hope too. Love is the glue that attaches me to hope. Love is what makes me believe in something better, something higher. Love would give me wings to fly if I could but find him. Perhaps then I could explore this galaxy inside of me.
“Yet love is elusive, Joonie. Even you. You are figment of my imagination. Some beautiful boy I dreamed up from a photocard and some lyrics on the internet page. I don’t know the real you. I don’t even know if I can believe half of what ARMY posts about you. I stare at your lyrics. Did you really write them? Or are they someone else’s words?”
They are mine. I meant them all. I shared my heart with you, Breeze, across the airwaves.
“I’m sorry, Joonie. I don’t mean to doubt you. I had a bad day today. The world seems against me. My best friend turned her back on me today. I tried to warn her about the guy she’s become entangled with. Yes, that’s the right word. She’s entangled, all right. With not-a-nice-guy. He’s over a decade older than her. I’m scared, Joonie. What if she slips off the edge of something she can’t see? What if an abyss of terror awaits her on the other side of her pursuing an adult? She’s only sixteen. He’s nearly thirty. It terrifies me. I feel like I’m swallowing my heart.
“I love her. But she doesn’t love herself. And she’s so desperate for a man’s love that she would give herself to anyone without thought to the consequences. What if he’s a bad guy? He must be a bad guy. He’s pursuing a child. He’s nearly twice her age. It’s even a crime in our country. What he’s doing is illegal. And for good reason. I can see my friend drawing nearer and nearer to a precipice, and I’m afraid I’ll lose her for good.
“I think of all the lost, lonely, little girls out there, Joonie, just crying out for a true love. I recognize I am one of them. So many of them don’t even love themselves enough to wait. To wait for a kind love. To hold out for a gentle love. To believe in a true love.
“I don’t know why I still do. Even with all my inner struggles. Even with all the days I doubt myself. I still believe he exists. I still believe there is someone out there who would love me enough to give me everything. And require nothing in return. That’s real love. I’ll find him someday, Joonie, I will. I don’t know where my conviction comes from. But it’s there, nonetheless. I’ll find him.”
“Maybe he’ll be you.” She didn’t read the last four words.
Namjoon glanced down at the page. She hadn’t read the last sentence. He looked at her face, but her eyes were averted. His own found the last line.
“Maybe he’ll be you,” he whispered. Still speaking softly, he daringly asked, “Do you want him to be me?”
Her heart flew into her mouth as her castdown eyes widened, and an answering question flew from her lips, “Do you want to be him?”
Namjoon stared at her as his heartbeat sounded loudly in his ears. Blood was rushing to every extremity of his body. He wanted to kiss her, that’s what he wanted. He wanted to take her home with him and never let her go. He wanted to be her one true love and for her to be his.
But this was crazy, wasn’t it? He’d just met her a few hours ago in a cafe in the middle of his birthplace. It wasn’t practical. He didn’t even have time for a girlfriend. She wasn’t from Korea. When her semesters were up, she’d be returning to the States. All he’d have time for were stolen phone calls and text messages. And even those would be a challenge to accomplish. He barely saw his own family. How could he be fair to a young woman dreaming of a special love?
He couldn’t give it to her. Not as much as his heart longed to. He wouldn’t be free for years yet, and there was no determining how long. Seven years left of his current contract. But the way things were going, there could be another. This was why he hadn’t even thought of romance before. He had been avoiding this. He had been fleeing from falling in love because he knew it would bring all these complications with it. He shook his head in despair.
Breeze had turned to look at him. She misinterpreted his reaction. She took the book and set it softly onto his lap before rising from the bench. Tears were stinging her eyes.
“Where’s a bathroom?”
He pointed, giving her a few verbal directions, before she suddenly disappeared.
—
Namjoon opened the book in his lap, and he found yet another letter she had written for his eyes only.
“You touched me.
“I listened to your mixtape. My favorite song was either Seoul or Moonchild. But trying to choose between them is like trying to pick a favorite child!”
He smiled.
“I too am an introvert. I prefer to stay in my cave, hidden away from the cold, dark world. It might seem like I’m the one hiding in the dark, but it’s safe here, alone with my thoughts. No one to trouble me or demand something from me that I’m unwilling to give. Though, truthfully, I do long for a safe haven. For a place I can go where I’m surrounded by a peaceful environment, and I know I’m loved by those dwelling there. I don’t really want to be alone.”
Me neither. I just want to be loved. Heard. Understood. Treasured.
“I do find it hard to breathe out in public, at least if anyone is noticing me, which rarely happens, thankfully. And unthankfully. Does it make any sense that this circumstance both saddens me and relieves me? I like to hide, but I also crave someone else’s love. It’s just that I desire security, safety, too. I have been hiding my heart. The sunlight exposes too much to their cruel gaze. But you’re safe, Joonie. You’re hiding in the dark with me, and I know my heart is safe with you. I doubt you’ll really ever read these words anyway, but if, by some strange twist of fate, you ever do, I believe they’re safe with you. I believe I’m safe with you.”
Was she? Could he protect her heart from the pain he might inflict upon it unintentionally? What would happen to her when he returned to the craziness that was his life now? Endless workdays, countless media appointments, constant dance practices, a multitude of recording sessions, eternities getting his hair and makeup and dressing done. Not to mention the pursuits he had taken on alone as the only fluent English speaker, communicating in and translating between Korean and the worldwide tongue. And the relentless fatigue. For sleep was a casualty to fame. Would he even have enough energy left at the end of each day to text her before he fell into his bed, exhausted?
“I’m well aware of the thorns, Joonie. Echoes of paradise lost, they are. Thorns that I wish someone else would bear for me. To relieve me from this pain. I try to hold the beauty of the rose, only to feel the bite of its curse, my blood dripping from that cruel thorn.”
Oh! This girl was a poet! It only confirmed the truth staring him boldly in the face. They were a match made in Heaven. Though he didn’t have time for her, he could not let her go!
His eyes fell to the next paragraph.
“I long to see Seoul, the city you love-hate. I know what that’s like. I hate-love my own city. Wanting to see the wide world beyond this place, I feel confined by its walls, yet I’m comforted by the place that has cradled me my whole life, this secure fortress of knowns. I know what to expect here. It might not be much. But it feels safe. The world beyond my small scope here is so large, so intimidating, so full of scary possibilities. Will I ever overcome my fears to experience it? Will I ever travel beyond my own backyard to realize my dreams? Will my love for you someday triumph over every obstacle and terror to find you? And if it does, which you will I discover? Will you love me as I treasure you?”
He couldn’t breathe. She hadn’t quite written it. Not the three words he longed to hear all strung together, but she had claimed she had a love for him. She loved him. Surely, it was clearly written in what she had put down on that page: I treasure you. He was treasured by someone, after all.
—
Breeze stood in the bathroom stall sobbing her heart out. She had asked him if he wanted to be her one true love, and he had shaken his head. Why was she surprised? What spell had his smile woven around her the last few hours that she had begun to believe that her wildest imaginations were coming true?
If only her backpack weren’t at his house, she’d just disappear. She’d head to the train and return to Seoul early. As tears coursed down her cheeks, she evaluated her options. She could tell him she’d received a call and had to return to the city. She couldn’t think of anything else. Another sob overwhelmed her.
How had she so misread him? He’d held her hand. He’d invited her home with him. To meet his mother. To sleep under her roof. Was he just that kind? That sweet of a man? That he wanted her to know she was special, even if she wasn’t uniquely special to him? It was entirely possible. It was, after all, the message he and the other Bangtan Boys were constantly releasing to ARMY. Perhaps she had simply misunderstood.
Oh! But he had gotten her hopes up! She had fallen so in love with him! Ah! But that wasn’t his fault. She had set her own self up for this fall. She’d been weaving dreams around him for almost four years. She hadn’t been fair to him. It was too much to expect a stranger to fall in love with her in three hours. And that’s what she was to him. A stranger. He hadn’t spent the last forty-four months longing after her. He hadn’t spent all those hours staring at her picture and wondering what she was truly like. He hadn’t watched countless videos of her interacting with others. He hadn’t heard her voice repeatedly drumming in his head, feeding him her thoughts. She couldn’t expect him to feel what she was feeling. She wasn’t being fair to him. He was lovely. He just wasn’t hers.
The idea of slipping from this stall and walking back to his mother’s house to get her backpack was becoming more appealing. If she simply disappeared, he’d eventually head home. Then his mother would tell him that Breeze had had an emergency, and she’d had to return to Seoul. He’d wonder why she’d left him in the park. No. She couldn’t do it. The worst part of it was that he would wait way too long for her. And he was already giving up time with his mother to spend the day with Breeze. But…why?
If she meant so little to him, why was he giving up the precious hours he had with his beloved eomma to hang out with Breeze? It all made no sense. Why was it breaking her heart so much?
She spent several more minutes bawling in that bathroom before trying to wash the tears from her face and their damage from her red-rimmed eyes. She didn’t want him to know she’d been crying.
—
She’d been crying. It was his first thought when she finally emerged from the bathroom. Then he realized just how long she’d been gone. He’d been distracted by her words on the pages of her book. Time had flown as he’d savored each one. He still felt dazed from some of what he’d read. But now he was concerned. Why had she been crying? He searched his mind. Had he said or done anything that would have upset her? She had run off abruptly. But what had they been talking about?
Oh, yes. She’d been reading that passage about still believing a true love existed. But she hadn’t read the last line, so he had. Then he had daringly, and not a little provocatively, asked, “Do you want him to be me?”
To which she had replied, “Do you want to be him?”
To which he had answered…what? He couldn’t remember responding to her question. Had he?
His attention was suddenly attracted to her as she moved to stand at the railing overlooking the lake. She leaned forward resting her elbows on it and stared out at the water. He heard her inhale a deep breath. He walked up to her, coming to stand directly behind her. He bent until he hovered over her, almost touching her in a multitude of places. Yet not making any physical contact at all. He drew near to her ear, his soft voice brushing against it, tickling her, as he whispered one word.
His breath was warm on the nape of her neck, making a trillion tiny hairs all stand at instant attention, recognizing their leader when they felt him. She froze. Why was he so close to her? She already wanted to turn around and throw herself, sobbing, against his strong chest and cry out all the pain of her shattered heart.
Please. Please just leave me before I do something I’ll forever regret.
He inhaled, and she felt it. Then he exhaled one word, and her heart exploded. What did he mean?
“Yes.”
Her heart was beating so hard that she was dizzy. She shifted to grab ahold of the railing with her hands, clutching it lest she fall to the ground. She squeezed her eyes shut as more tears – always more tears! – slid down her cheeks.
Oh, she didn’t want him to see her crying! But of course, he would. Anyone who got very close to her saw her tears. They were omnipresent in every season of her life. Pain. Sadness. Joy. Anger. Fear. Hope. Love. It didn’t matter which emotion. Each was accompanied by more tears. It was as though a fountain filled her soul and was attached to her tear ducts. And every time she felt any emotion, the fountain flowed into her eyes and down her face. To water the earth with her feelings. Sometimes to make people misunderstand her.
She and Joonie hadn’t spoken in several minutes. Was he answering her last question? The one whose perceived response had driven her to cry alone in a public restroom?
She hadn’t moved. What was she thinking?
“Breeze,” he whispered into the hairline running along the base of her skull.
Oh! He was wreaking havoc with her heart and her tiny hairs again. They had all assembled to eagerly chat about how mesmerizing he was. Still standing at attention, they each saluted their neighbors with exclamations of “Isn’t he dreamy! He’s so tall! His voice is like that of an angel! Even his breath is amazing! He almost touched me!” Each hair stood in awe of him, the group giving off a collective sigh.
Though her hairs were throwing a fan meet-and-greet in his honor, she herself had yet to move. Or speak. Or breathe.
She was afraid to. Afraid to shatter this fragile moment when her heart hung in the balance. Whatever sword fell on the other side of this second in time would determine the remainder of her life. She wasn’t sure she was ready for it.
1 lyrics from I Believe by Rap Monster, Kim Nam-joon, 2015
