Blog

Chapter 9: Broken – November 7, 2020

“Yura?  Minhyuk wants to snuggle with us.”

Jin could hear her weeping her heart out.  He was instantly upset, but he didn’t let it show.  He was holding Minhyuk.  The little boy had pillowed his head against Jin’s chest.

Yura froze.  She cut off her weeping in mid-sob.  She did not want her son to see her crying.  

In a muffled voice, she responded, “I’m going to the bathroom.  I’ll be back in a minute.”  Then she crawled out from the other side of the bed and ran for the bathroom without facing them.

Her son was none the wiser.

Jin set him down in the middle of the bed before he crawled in next to him.  

After a few moments, Minhyuk glanced up at him and asked, “Mr. Jin, do you visit all your students’ families?”

Jin just about choked as he imagined crawling into bed with each of his students’ whole families.  He cut off the chuckle this thought produced.

“Nope.  Only you.  Wanna know why?”

Minhyuk nodded vociferously.

Jin bent near him to whisper, “Because you’re special.  So please don’t tell the other students because I wouldn’t want them to feel bad.”

“I’m your favorite?” the tiny boy queried in wonder.

It was Jin’s turn to nod emphatically.  “You are definitely my favorite, Minhyuk.  You are one very special, little boy.”

Yura heard Jin’s last few remarks.  Her heart warmed.  Minhyuk still didn’t know how his own appa had repudiated him.  But she knew.  She had always known how Seungbin had scorned his own son.  And it had broken her heart.  So many times she had wished that she had taken Jin up on his offer to marry her and raise her child as his own.  It was the thing she broke her heart over the most.  She was still breaking her heart over it.

But here was Jin – beautiful Jin – telling her son that he was his favorite.  That he was very special.

Could she just marry the man now and be done with it?  Could he become Minhyuk’s appa and cherish him always?  Could they be the family they had once dreamed of being?  Or would her own selfishness trap Jin in a place he would come to hate?

Could she really be enough for him?  Even after everything she had done to him?   Could she and Minhyuk really make him happy?

She forced the tears back and pasted a smile on her face as she entered her room.  She climbed in on her side of the bed and reached for her son.  She pulled him close to her heart, wrapping her arms around him.  Then she glanced up at Jin.

I love you, Kim Seokjin.  I have always loved you.  And I will always love you.  No matter what.  My heart is given.  And now I know it.  My head won’t be turned by anyone else.  Not ever again.  Only by you.  Whether or not you’ll have me.  Whether or not I can ever bring myself to be with you.  I’ll love you forever.

Jin gazed at her quizzically.  “Everything all right?”

“You are the most wonderful man in existence,” she whispered.

He saw the tears flooding her eyes.  He heard them in her voice.  And he couldn’t help it.  He reached for her. 

“Come here,” he intoned gruffly.

When she didn’t comply, mostly because she was wrapped around her son, Jin crawled out of bed and walked over to her side.  He slid in behind her, and, balancing on the edge of the bed, wrapped himself around her, his arm snaking around both her and the little boy in her arms.

“Jin,” she laughed in exasperation, “you’re going to fall out of bed.”

“It’ll be your fault if I do,” he whispered cheerfully, “because you wouldn’t come to me.”

She sobered instantly.  She had already hurt him so many times…because she wouldn’t come to him.  She began to scoot towards the center of the bed, pulling Minhyuk up onto her chest, so she could lie on her back.  She ended up trading places with Jin as she lay on his original side of the bed.  Jin followed her.  

Wondering what was breaking her heart today, he gazed down at her sober face.  Minhyuk had snuggled into her chest and was already half-asleep.  She had closed her eyes again, and Jin had the familiar feeling that she was hiding from him.  His heart dipped.  

He wanted her to tell him everything.  Every single thing that broke her heart.  He had the nagging feeling that being married to Seungbin had damaged her soul in ways he couldn’t even begin to fathom.  But he was determined to find those fractures and do his best to heal them.  This time, he wouldn’t be denied.  He would stay the course.  He would persist until she couldn’t do without him.

When he was certain Minhyuk was asleep, Jin reached up and touched her.  He brushed his finger across her cheek first.  Her eyes flew open, and he grinned.  

“Caught ‘cha,” he responded.  

Her sad eyes found his.  He bent his head and whispered in her ear, “Yura, what’s breaking your heart today?”

He felt her tense.  Her arms tightened around her son.  

“This is the fairy tale, isn’t it?” she whispered.

A tiny valley appeared between his brows.  “What?”

“You, me, a son, here, in this bed together.  Only…he isn’t…”

She couldn’t finish that statement.

But Jin was prepared to argue with her.  He leaned down close to her ear and breathed into it, “He is.”

She stilled.  Everything inside of her that had been spinning around came to a sudden halt.  Only her eyes moved.  Until they found Jin’s.

“I don’t understand.  How can you still love me?  How?” she cried out in a whisper.  “After everything I put you through.  Jin, you deserved so much better!”

“So did you,” he whispered.  “I think you’ve forgotten who you were, but I haven’t.”

“Who I was?” she echoed his sentiment.  “I remember exactly who I was,” she murmured bitterly.  “I was the girl who threw away a ten-year-old friendship to kiss the boy who had bullied me that whole time.  I was the girl who wouldn’t sleep with you but crawled in bed with a guy who hated her.”  

She began to sob.  “And I broke your heart.  That was me, Jin.  That’s who I was.  That’s who I am.  And I can’t undo it.  What I did to you.  What I did to me.  What he did to me.”  

Great, shaking sobs overtook her body.

“Lay Minhyuk down over there and come share this side of the bed with me.  I don’t want you to wake him.  You’ll scare him if he sees you like this.”

She listened to him, then she scooted over towards him after grabbing some Kleenex off her nightstand.  Jin pulled her into his arms.  She was a little disconcerted by his bare chest.  His warm skin was teasing her cheek.  His toasty arms were drawing her close.  She could feel desire rising in her.

“Tell me, Yura.  Tell me every single awful thing that man ever did to you.”

She began to shake.  Violently.  His arms tightened around her.  Still, she shuddered like she was standing outside on a bitter winter’s day with only the thinnest of clothes on.  

She was.  For in her soul, freezing rain was coming down to engulf her.  It had been for years.  Jin was the first hint of warmth she’d enjoyed since high school.  Outside of the love she felt for her son.  And the affection with which he showered her.  But there was so much Minhyuk didn’t know about his eomma.  She felt certain that if he knew, he wouldn’t adore her quite so much.

“I don’t deserve him,” she whispered.

“You’re right.  You didn’t deserve Seungbin.  Or anything he did to you.”

“No.  I mean, I don’t deserve Minhyuk.  I don’t deserve his love.”

Jin shook her.  Just a little.  But, a little.  And as he did it, a look of such terror filled her eyes that he wondered if she’d lied to him. If Seungbin had done more than just shove her into a wall.

“Yura, I’m sorry I shook you, but you’re wrong.  Of course, you deserve that darling, little boy.  What you didn’t deserve was the way Seungbin treated you.”

“I did.  I deserved it all.  Every single woman he paraded before me.  I cheated on you.  I deserved what he did to me.  I wasn’t honest with you.  I went behind your back to make out with him.  I knew what I was doing.  I craved him.  I gave in to him.  And I broke your heart.  

“He pursued those other girls because I couldn’t give him what he needed.  I felt so lousy during my pregnancy.  I didn’t want to have sex much.  I didn’t take good care of his needs.  So he found girls who would.”  

She was panting.  Jin wanted to stop her and comfort her, but he was afraid he wouldn’t get the whole truth out of her if he did.  So he listened in silence as he let her continue.

“I put on a lot of weight too because I felt so lousy.  The only time I felt good was when I was eating.  He told me I looked like a fat pig.  That I wasn’t desirable anymore.  That he had to look at other girls.  And touch other girls.  That I made him do it.

“Then after Minhyuk was born, he required a lot of care.  He nursed all the time.  Seungbin was jealous.  He told me once that my breasts took better care of his son than they did of him.  That that was why he had to seek out those other girls.  He told me I’d never been any good in bed.”  

Her voice broke on a sob.  “The night I left him, I was sitting in our bed nursing Minhyuk.  Seungbin suddenly reached up and tore him from my arms.  He set him roughly down in the middle of the bed, and he – he grabbed me.  I shoved him away and ran across the room.  But he followed me.  He shoved me into the wall.  He pinned me against it, and he threatened me.  He told me if I didn’t – if I didn’t give him what he wanted, he would hurt that precious baby in the middle of our bed.”

She began to sob.  Jin pulled her as close as was humanly possible while he grimly considered several ways he could kill Seungbin and dispose of his body.  Jin was horrified.  Absolutely horrified at what she had endured.  He was shocked at how much rage filled his soul.  He prayed to God that he never met Seungbin again because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to control himself if he did.

What Seungbin had done to her was so much worse than he had ever imagined.  Though, in retrospect, it was completely believable given his treatment of her over the decade they had all attended school together.

“He threw me on the bed and raped me.  And as he did it, he told me all the things he had done to drive you and me apart.  All the things he’d done to lure me away from you.  Then he laughed and said it had worked out even better than he had planned because I’d gotten pregnant.

“‘Stupid girl!  You fell right into that trap.  You never once asked me to use a condom.  I didn’t even have to make up an excuse not to.  You just gave yourself to me every time.  Even when I could tell you were still thinking of him.  But once you had my child, you were trapped.  And I could tear you away from him forever.’”

He had looked at her with such hate burning in his eyes.  “He’ll never want you now.  He knows how much I’ve used you.  You’re broken.  Used goods.  I ruined his perfect love story.  I made you fall in love with me.  

“It was so easy.  I could tell that day – the day of my eomma’s funeral when you let me kiss you.  I could feel your passion for me.  And I knew that, finally, I could wreak vengeance on Jin for everything he’d done to me over all those years.  

“He stole you from me.  You were supposed to be my girl.  From the very beginning.  I saw you walking down the hall towards that water fountain.  You were so cute.  I wanted you.  But I saw the way he looked at you.  

“He liked you too.  It made me mad.  So I shoved you into it.  And he beat me up.  I’ve hated him ever since.  For thinking he could have you.  For believing he could take you away from me.  For inflicting pain on me.  Look who’s inflicting the pain now.”

And he had been.  She hadn’t enjoyed being in a bed with him for over a year at that point.  She winced as she remembered all the ways he’d hurt her that night.  But she had been frozen with fear.  Terrified he would kill their son if she didn’t endure his torment.  When he was done, he’d fallen asleep.  She’d quietly picked up her son and taken him out to his baby carrier.  

She’d been so thankful that he had fallen asleep as Seungbin chased her across their bedroom.  Minhyuk hadn’t uttered one peep.  Even when Seungbin had pulled him from her breast.  Her son had simply fallen asleep.  It had been a mercy.  For she had never learned what evil might have befallen her precious baby had he been screaming.  

Her fear had carried her to his bedroom to pack his bag.  She hadn’t even gone back to her room for any of her clothes.  She had been afraid she’d wake Seungbin.  She had left him with only the clothes on her back.  And a tiny baby and most of his belongings.  Which were few.  Seungbin had spent most of his money on women and booze.

She lay, shaking, in Jin’s arms.  He bent his head and brushed his lips across her forehead.  Then her cheek. 

“They’re all lies, Yura.  Every evil thing that man said to you.  Every horrible thing he did to you.  He breathed lies into your soul to break you.  Please…don’t let him win.  You are precious,” Jin’s voice broke.  “You’ve always been precious to me.  Maybe if I’d been clearer, you wouldn’t have turned to him.  I—“

Her eyes widened in horror.  “No!  Jin!  It wasn’t your fault that I kissed him.  It was — I don’t know what it was!  But it wasn’t you!  I was restless.  It was something I felt every time he looked at me in high school,” she admitted, even knowing that she must be hurting Jin.  

She burst into tears.  “Jin, I’m so sorry.  But you must understand now why I can’t be with you.  Why I don’t deserve you.  I was attracted to the one who hated me.  And I chose to kiss him instead of staying with you.  So I deserve everything he did to me.  It was my punishment for breaking your heart.”

Stupefied, he stared down at her.  “How can you say that you deserved to be raped?  To have your child’s life threatened?  Nothing – nothing – you did to me warranted that kind of treatment.  Yura,” his voice broke on a sob. “Dear God, do you still not understand how much I love you?  Yura, I would joyfully die for you if I knew it would set you free and heal your precious heart.”  He buried his head in her neck and sobbed against her skin.

He had no idea what he was doing to her.  Lying in this bed with her.  Covering her with his strong body.  His skin warming her fingertips.  His breath slipping over her neck.  She wanted him.  A sharp longing, so intense it stole her breath, shot through her.  Making her slide her fingers up and down his back.  

She breathed in his scent.  That didn’t help at all.  It increased her desire.  The man smelled like heaven.

“Jin,” she uttered roughly over the lump in her throat.

He pulled away from her to gaze down at her.  He saw the look in her eye, and he dropped his head to brush his lips across hers.

“Don’t.  I don’t want you to get sick,” she whispered.

Then, his eyes open, he did it again.  And she felt chills down to her toes.  His eyes fluttered shut as his lips approached hers again.

“I love you, Yura.  Always and forever.  And I’m going to show you how much.  We’re going to destroy every single evil thing that liar caused you to believe about yourself.  About us.  

“I am above your cheating on me. As far as I’m concerned, it’s forgotten.  So forget it.  Forget him.  Fill yourself with me.”

He bent his head and kissed her again.  In a way that made her knees melt.  But he wasn’t done.  He went on to melt her middle too.  His lips played the sweetest melodies along her own.  

She lost herself in his kiss.  When she was panting with desire from his sweetness, and his touch, and the gentle play of his lips about her own, she surrendered to him.

“Jin, if you really want me, you can have me.”

Her words stilled him.  It sure felt like his heart stopped beating.  He pulled back and gazed down at her.  

“Yura.”

Her eyes met his.

“Marry me.”

Her eyes grew wide.

“I want you,” he whispered huskily.  “With every cell of my body – and quite possibly some just floating about me in the air right now.  But I will not treat you the way Seungbin did.  Like you’re some cheap fling.  I will not use you and toss you to the side.  I will take you if you’re willing to give yourself to me.  But…only if you marry me first.”

She stared up at him in disbelief.  She had just told him she was willing to have sex with him.  Right now.  In this gigantic bed he’d bought her.

“But isn’t that why you bought this bed?  Because you wanted to make love to me in it?”

Jin’s face flooded with an intense vulnerability.  “Yes, Yura, that is exactly why I bought it.  But I want to make love to you here as my wife.”

A sob escaped her.  It bubbled up from somewhere deep down inside her.

“You are worth waiting for,” he whispered as he lowered his head to kiss the tip of her nose.  

Then her cheek.  Then he showered a line of kisses from one cheek up and across her nose to her other cheek.   “Every square inch of you is worth waiting for.”  

He planted a kiss on her chin.  “Worth waiting all these years for.”  

He brushed a line of soft kisses up the edge of her jaw.  “Worth waiting for you to realize you made a mistake when you chose Seungbin.”  

He planted a set of charges under her skin as his mouth brushed its tender way across her forehead.  “Worth waiting for you to finish tormenting yourself.”  

His lips found her ear and the sensitive space below it.  “Worth waiting for you to feel more strongly about kissing me than you did about flagellating yourself for all you’d done to me.”  

He bent his head and set her ablaze as his lips caressed the delicate skin at the base of her throat.  Then he lifted his face to stare down into her eyes as he admitted, “I don’t care about any of that.  I just want you.  Marry me, Yura.  Please.”  

He lowered his head slowly until his lips were a hairsbreadth from her own.  “Please give in to me.”  

Those soft lips brushed hers tenderly.  Then he murmured against her mouth, “Let me steal your heart this time.”  

Another delightful touch from those plump lips.  “And your common sense.”  

He pressed his lips against hers and kissed her with all the passion burning deep in his heart for her.  He ravished her mouth until she was left panting.  

“Yura,” his breath passed over her lips, “Marry me.”