Chapter 9: Stay – January 12, 2021
He had resisted the urge to tear the door from its hinges. Instead, he had stood in the hallway for twenty minutes and spoken clearly and loudly. Calmly and soothingly. Until he’d heard no more sound erupting from within her room. Finally, he had returned to his bed. But he had never fallen asleep.
—
The next night, as they entered the apartment together, he murmured something that shocked her.
“I think I made a mistake. I’m sorry. I should never have put you in such a compromising position. Moving you in here with me like this. When I knew already that I was falling in love with you. I should have realized that I’d be tempting myself. My sister tried to warn me.” He shook his head. “But I didn’t listen to her, and now I’ve made you uncomfortable.”
Those locked doors had kept him out last night.
“So I’m going to go stay at my parents’ tonight. You’ll have the whole apartment to yourself. You won’t be forced to lock your bedroom door again.”
Her heart flew into her throat. What was he saying?
“When will you be back?’ she asked in a tiny voice.
“I won’t be back,” he responded curtly. “I’m going to go pack my clothes up right now. This is your apartment now. Don’t worry. I’ll keep paying my portion of the rent.”
He headed for his room.
Fear spiraled through her. He couldn’t leave her alone! The only thing that had kept her sane last night when she had finally woken up was knowing that he was standing in the hallway talking to her through her door. She had pretended he was speaking to her from her bed. That she was wrapped in his arms.
Eventually, her breathing had calmed down. Somehow, she’d closed her eyes and gone back to sleep. But she’d tossed and turned all night long. Lost without him. Without his warm embrace. Without the touch of his sweet heart.
Tears filled her eyes. She stood in the living room for a few moments as her mind raced.
How could she convince him to stay?
Those hot tears spilled down her cheeks a moment later as she came up empty.
Why was he leaving? Did he think she’d locked her doors because she feared he’d force her into having sex with him? Did he think she was afraid to be alone with him? Nothing could have been further from the truth.
He was her safe place. She had to show him. She had to convince him that she needed him. He couldn’t leave her. He just couldn’t! She was terrified of being without him.
She reached up and wiped the tears from her face. Then she marched down the hallway towards his room. She opened his door and strode across the floor towards him. His suitcase was on his bed. He was in the middle of putting a pile of folded shirts into it. After he placed the shirts inside, she closed the lid before turning to him.
“Yunseok, don’t leave,” she begged him in a whisper. She reached up to wind her arms around his neck. “Please.”
Then she raised her face to his and brushed her lips across his mouth. But he pulled away from her and gazed down at her.
“What are you doing?” he asked sternly.
“I love you, Yunseok. Please don’t leave me.”
She kissed him again. He tried to draw away from her, but she pulled his neck down towards her with her arms intertwined tightly behind his head. Her mouth opened against his, and she leaned back until they were falling onto his bed. Then she began to kiss him a little frantically.
And he got angry.
He was lying on top of her while she kissed him ravenously. But it felt desperate. Panicked. He was repulsed.
“Are you prepared?” he burst out suddenly, his words flowing into her open mouth. “Are you on birth control?”
She swallowed and shook her head. “Don’t you have anything?”
He shook his head violently. He felt so sad suddenly. “No. I’m not in the habit of deflowering virgins.”
His tone stung her. She shoved at his chest, and he instantly rolled away from her. She sat up. Her eyes filled with tears again as she spoke.
“Why are you being so mean to me?”
“Because you’re trying to please me again.”
Confused, she frowned as two deep valleys cut themselves into her forehead. “Wh-what?”
His face softened suddenly. “I know we haven’t known each other long, so I’ll forgive you for having so little faith in me. But, Heejin, I really do love you. You please me simply by existing. Your very breath makes me happy. You don’t have to do anything to gain my approval. It’s enough for me that you are still here with me.”
She stared at him. Somewhere deep down in her a bubble escaped to surface in her mouth. It emerged as a sob.
“I will never be that guy – the one who will urge you to give more than you’re prepared to. I was serious when I said that I want to wait until we get married. And it’s not because you’re not desirable.”
His eyes raked her then. “Because you cannot imagine how alluring you are lying in your bed with your hair mussed, your eyes cloudy with desire, and your lips trembling beneath my own. But I will not dishonor you. You’ve already suffered through enough of that. I will treat you right. Just marry me already!” he whispered on a frustrated sigh.
Her stomach was doing crazy somersaults. “What do you want? For me to marry you and stay home to raise your babies?”
He countered with, “The question is: what do you want?”
“I want you!” she cried out.
“That’s easy,” he murmured. “Physical passion is easy. You could have that with dozens of guys. The question is: when the heat of the moment has been extinguished, what are you left with? What else is there in life besides passion?”
She felt totally confused. “What are you talking about?”
“Love!” he cried out. “I’m talking about love. And love isn’t limited to just passion. Love is most often the restraint of ill passions. And the flow of true blessings. I could take you in my bed right now. Or I could gently set you from me, and take care of what your heart really needs, and prove to you that I love you enough to fight against every raging hormone that makes me want to drag you into my bed and make passionate love to you.
“Don’t mistake me! I do want you! Desperately! I’ve been attracted to you since the first time your eyes flashed at me. I want you more than I want breath sometimes.
“But…” He ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re a virgin, right?”
She nodded.
“So am I. And I have it on the authority of a girl who is not that what you need isn’t sex. You need to be cherished. And after watching how your appa has treated you – and even how your sainted Hobi treated you – I want to show you something different. I want you to know that you don’t have to do anything to earn my love. You don’t have to give me anything for me to find you worthy. I love you. Your existence, your being here with me, just looking at me with love in your eyes – that is enough for me.”
“What do you mean, the way Hobi treated me?” She furrowed her brow.
“He made out with you, right? He told you he loved another girl, but he used your lips to solace himself.” He shook his head. “I don’t like it.”
Her face grew incredulous. “You’re jealous because Hobi kissed me?”
He rounded on her, anger flashing in his eyes. “You better believe I’m jealous!” He jumped up and walked around the edge of the bed until he was standing next to her side of it. “I’m very jealous of you. Of any guy using you in a way that could break your heart. Your heart is precious to me.”
He fell to his knees next to her. “I don’t want to see it hurt! I never want to see you used for a man’s gain!”
His eyes were filling up with an intensity of emotion she couldn’t even identify. It scared her. It was akin to passion yet bent towards her in a different way. Like a bubble meant to protect her from everyone, even himself.
So why did it scare her?
Because nobody – nobody – had ever loved her like that. How could Seok love her that much? They’d only known each other for…less than three months. But, staring into his eyes, she could not deny that he adored her.
“So…you want to leave me? You love me so much you’re packing up and going home?”
“I thought when you locked your doors last night that you were afraid of me. Or, at the very least, you didn’t want me here. So all day long I planned to leave tonight.”
“Don’t! I told you. I told you I wouldn’t leave you. Don’t leave me.”
He stood, gazing down at her with a pained expression. “I want to hold you at night. I want to rescue you from your nightmares. Please don’t lock me out. If you don’t want me to stay overnight with you, that’s okay. I’ll just come when you call for me.”
“Seok. I do want you to sleep with me.”
He glanced sharply at her. She looked down at the comforter on his bed and began to pick at it with her fingers.
“Just sleep,” she whispered. “You were right. I’m not ready for sex. But when the time comes that I am, you’re the one I want to be with.”
“You understand the only circumstances I’m willing to let that happen under, right?” he spoke roughly, clearing his throat on the last word.
She glanced sheepishly up at him. “Only if I marry you.”
He nodded as his eyes held hers. He reached up and caressed her cheek with his hand.
“You’ve been belittled for too long…by your appa, your eomma…your boss?”
She blinked as she recognized that truth.
“I want you to know what it looks like to be cherished, Heejin. I treasure you. I…I understand some of what you’ve been through. I see a precious soul when I’m with you. But I think you don’t recognize how precious you are because you’ve never had anyone that treated you right. Except your friend,” he finished quietly.
His thumb was still stroking her cheek. “So…just kisses and hugs, okay?” he whispered.
He could handle that. If he set firm boundaries around them both, he could handle holding her in his arms all night long. And not touching her.
She nodded. “Okay,” she breathed.
“And…I’m serious. I want you to pursue your life’s passion. That doesn’t mean you have to quit your job. But in your free time, do what makes you happy.” He bent close to her, resting his forehead against hers. “What makes you happy?”
She looked up over her nose and into his eyes. “You.”
He smiled, and a puff of air escaped his nose. “Besides me.”
“Cooking. I love all the time you and I spend in the kitchen together,” she admitted in a quiet voice.
A wide grin transformed his face. “Then, let’s do it! Let’s go cook together! I’ll be your sous chef!”
He reached for her hand and drew her up off the bed. They headed for the kitchen. Where they dreamed up a masterpiece together. They worked side by side to make it that night. Laughing and joking around while they chopped and sautéed. Periodically, she fed him a raw bite of something one of them had diced. And he stole a kiss from her sweet lips. Possibly, more than one.
