“Dear Joonie.
“I hear you. I’m crying over you.”
As he read her words, he heard his own echoing in his mind. He’d penned them for Forever Rain. “I’d like someone to cry for me.”
He well remembered how he’d felt when he’d written those words. Completely alone. Undone by life. It hadn’t met his expectations. Even pursuing his dreams had not been the straight shot to success that he had hoped for. It had been hard work, struggle. It had included insults, slander, isolation, jealousy. And later, when true success found him, it wasn’t as fulfilling as he had dreamed it would be either. What was missing?
He continued absorbing her words.
“You broke my heart today. I found your mixtape. I heard your fear. I heard your frustration. I heard your sorrow. I heard your anger. I identified with so much of what you felt. Though I might have expressed it differently. But buried under your angry words, I found a few gems of truth that I jotted down.
“I’m not going to listen to most of the songs again. Sorry, Joonie! I just can’t tolerate the language, and your sorrowful words keep breaking my heart. But I wrote down the things that spoke to me. I’m praying you’ll find some happiness in your life and that your next mixtape will be full of hope.”
Namjoon was reflecting on how much he hated that first mixtape and how embarrassed he was that he had ever created it. He was so sorry to all his fans that he had let that junk overflow. He had grown a lot since then. He’d also learned how to express himself in a healthier fashion. He couldn’t blame her for abandoning that album once she knew what it said.
His mind was a little blown by her other assertion. She had cried over his secret pain. She had wept over his public agony. She was the one breaking his heart now. Someone had finally heard him! She had heard him, and her heart had broken. It was even more than he’d been searching for from a fan.
After he’d read through two more years of letters, he came across another one concerning a mixtape.
“Dear Joonie.
“You’re flying higher!
“I just listened to your new mixtape! So much better than the first! My friend, you’re flying higher! I can tell you’re doing better. But I’m still hoping for more for you. I can see you’re still searching for something you haven’t found yet.”
Or someone, he reflected wryly.
“Your song, Voices, really spoke to me. ‘Day by day, I killed myself slowly like that meaninglessly obsessing all day on being graded like cuts of beef. I just wanted to succeed.’
“Joonie, I too have always excelled in school, but it’s never been enough. I’d overcome one challenge just to find ten more staring me in the face. I’d become the top student to find five kids working hard to take my place. Now I had to work ten times harder to stay on top of it. And for what? A scholarship? So that I could work a hundred times harder in college to keep a similar station?
“You said it well, Joonie. ‘Even when I was #1, I couldn’t relax.’ It’s so true. It was an empty pursuit. It didn’t fulfill me.
“Do you feel fulfilled yet, Joonie? Are you happier now than when you sat at a desk all day? Have you found the thing that makes your heart sing? Have you found the one that fulfills you and fills you?
“‘I put a sheet of white paper between the pages of my workbook. My identity that I wrote down matched to the drum and bass.’
“You heard the beat of a different dream. You followed the pull of the calling on your life. It wasn’t found in academics. Your sharp mind was created for something bigger, something unusual, so that you could communicate to the wide world beyond your usual scope. Beyond South Korea, even. You were called to give girls all over the world a voice and to remind them that they are valuable. Just as they are.
“That’s what I loved about your song, Do You. My favorite line was, ‘You, the only one ever, even if you’re not perfect, you’re limited edition.’ When I read that line, I broke down and cried. I’m limited edition. I’m the only me that will ever be. Even when I fail, I’m still special. I’m still unique. I’m still precious. Wow, Joonie. Just wow. And thank you.”
His words had found her heart. He wiped away a tear as he continued to read.
“Another line from that song that really spoke to me was ‘Freedom and self-indulgence – they’re obviously different. The method for knowing the time and the place.’ Joonie, how well you put that! I was amazed when I read it because most people think that freedom is the right to be self-indulgent, but I felt like you grasped the truth that self-indulgence is destructive, and that true freedom, when used correctly, is creative and edifying. It builds people up rather than running them down.
“Finally, one last line from Do You jumped out at me, ‘You were born as a hero. Why are you trying to become a slave?’ We weren’t designed to be slaves, were we, Joonie? There is a bigger plan in place for each of us. A destiny in which we play a part in rescuing others. I’m trying to find that call. I’m trying to discern my true destiny, locate my real purpose. Find my identity. Your words give me hope that I will discover it one day.
“Joonie, I want you to know that I’m here. Ironic, eh? You’ll probably never know that I’ve been here all these years listening to you, gleaning from you.
“You asked in Awakening, ‘In the moment of my failure, will someone hold my hand? In the moment when I come down from the stage, will that person be next to me? Just tell me that I can survive in this cold world.’
“I want to lend you my warmth, Joonie. Come, take my hand, I’ll still be waiting for you even in your moment of greatest failure or epic loss. You will always be a hero to me, Joonie.”
It was funny. Within a few minutes of meeting her, before he had read these words, he’d taken her hand in his own. And she had stood by his side. A fulfillment of her heart’s desires?
“Oh, Joonie, my heart is crying out for something. I don’t even know what it is, but your words echo my heart’s sentiments.
“In Life, you cried out, ‘Living is consecutively awareness and loneliness, whether you have many people around you or not. The little me inside myself was always lonely.’
“That’s how I feel, Joonie! I don’t even like to be around other people much, at least not in big groups. But there’s a small plot of real estate in my heart that’s always barren – lonely – whether I am alone or not. Why is that?
“You said it so well in Adrift: ‘I don’t know whether I’ve lost the way or whether from the beginning I was lost. Even when I’m with someone, one corner of my heart is lonely. What are we living for? We couldn’t know.’
“I’m hoping someday we can know, that we will know. ‘Where is my meaning? Where is my heart? In this vast universe, I’m endlessly adrift.’ Well spoken, my friend.
“What do you think now, Joonie? Will we find our meaning? Will we locate our hearts? Will we find a safe harbor? Something to anchor us? I do not know, Joonie, I do not know. But I hope so.”
He hoped so too. He had yet to find it. And he’d been searching for such a long time. He’d been breathing on the windowpane, waiting for an answering breath.