“Dear Joonie,
“How I ache. For you. For the lifestyle you lead. You must be so lonely sometimes. Even with the six other boys.”
Yes, he was. A lot. Though not as much as he could be if they weren’t so busy. He didn’t have time to reflect on it much. Except in the middle of the night. Or on an airplane…
“‘Wherever in the world we go. We still. We work in our hotel rooms…I don’t know…how to stop…I don’t know how to take some rest. I don’t know…how to fail.’”
Ahhhh…more of his words coming back to him. Echoes always. Echoes of a world of pain. Echoes. Had she heard his universe crying out?
“You sure don’t, Joonie. You have no idea how to fail! You’re a raging success, but I can feel your heart aching. I listened to Airplane Pt. 2 tonight. And I cried. I cried for you, Joonie, and all that success has done to you. All it has stolen from you. Definitely your rest. But also, your identity, perhaps? The world sees RM. But will the real Kim Namjoon please stand up? Will he please reveal himself to me?”
She wanted to know his heart. She wanted to read it like he was poring over the pages of her own heart’s book written just for him. Did he have the courage to show her all of it? Was he bold enough to break out of the shell that encased Kim Namjoon? Was he prepared to kill RM for good? Or at least transform him into someone better? If he couldn’t shed the name, perhaps he could change its meaning.
“‘Who should I live as today, Kim Namjoon or RM? I still don’t know how to live well. So, today as well, we just go.’
“Please, Joonie, stop and tell me your secrets. Pour out your heart to me. I want to know the real you. I think that’s what RM should stand for: Real Me. The real Kim Namjoon. The real Joonie. The one with the wide-open heart. The one with the big dreams. The one who wants to change the world and rescue the hurting. RM and Kim Namjoon can be one and the same person, can’t they, Joonie? I believe they can. Not everyone will understand you or love you or accept you. But I will. Always. Let your real light shine.
“I’m also praying you learn how to rest. Rest is so important. It’s what feeds our energy. And it’s where we find our true identity. Take some time, Joonie, and just rest. Close your eyes and think of me and how much I adore you.”
He sighed. How on earth was he to answer this letter? It wasn’t about her and her struggles. It was about him. About the challenges he was still trying to overcome. It was a call to him requesting that he come clean. He’d been working on it for years. She’d written this letter a year and a half ago. And he’d continued to evolve since then. But was he who he wanted to be yet? He could see so many areas for improvement even now. She had said he didn’t know how to fail, but he felt like he was failing a lot. Still. Not RM. But Kim Namjoon.