Namjoon waited until everyone went to bed before he pulled the two sheets of paper from his pocket. Even then he hesitated before glancing down at them. Was he breaking her confidence? But she was breaking her heart over something, and he had to know what it was. How else could he help her?
He had felt like there was more. When he’d read her letters. Like she wasn’t quite sharing everything with him. It had been true. The evidence was in his hands now. He began to read.
“Dear Joonie.” It began the same as all the others. A greeting and three words. Wow. She was consistent. Even in her pain. But why was she afraid of his reading this? His eyes continued to peruse the contents of the letter.
“Am I dying? Am I becoming someone else? Someone I don’t want to be? Or am I moving closer to my ideal? What is real? Who is the authentic me? The one no one sees.”
Oh, man, could he relate!
“I’ve loved you for so long, Joonie.”
What?! She had said it. In one of her letters. Finally. But she hadn’t given it to him. But, why, when she had already spoken the words to his face? It was a mystery. He must read on if he was going to solve it.
“But I truly believe that if you met the real me, I would not live up to your expectations. I would fail to reach the heights of my persona, that part of myself that I show the world: the overachiever, the people pleaser, the sweetheart who is on 24/7. In my head I’m not always that person. Around my family I am often not that person. They see the worst of me, though I wish to show them only the best of me. If you got to know the real me, you would see the worst too, for at some point I would drop my guard, and then you would flee from me. My family has to endure me, but you would not be bound by any such duty.”
Ahhhh. So, this was it. But didn’t she know that he would understand this? She claimed to understand him so well from his lyrics, yet she thought he would reject her for being less than perfect? He shook his head. She was so wrong. The fact that she was flawed made her more appealing. Who wanted to live with a saint? He sure wasn’t one. He fell short all the time. If she were perfect, she’d constantly be holding before his face an impossible standard, and eventually that would have driven them apart. But how did he show her that he could love the unlovable parts of her too? How did he convince her that what he felt for her was more than infatuation? That it was a real and lasting love?
“I am not as I would like to be. I disappoint myself daily.”
Yeah. Who doesn’t, Breeze?
“I want to be the person my friends see, not the one who yells at my parents or gets irritated with my little brother. I want to be the diligent laborer my boss expects me to be. I want to be the star student my teachers believe I am. I want to be the devoted daughter my parents dream of and the protective, always adoring, older sister my brother deserves. A true Noona. But it’s exhausting, Joonie, to shine that brightly all the time.”
Isn’t it, though?
“That luster is a lie. The light is coming from behind all the cracks in my soul.”
She had those too?
“When I fracture again, others see the light, but it’s not what it seems. And when it all becomes too much, I slip the mask on again, and the light is blocked, and darkness descends through my countenance and my actions. And I have disappointed myself again. And them too. And someday, should I ever meet you, the inevitable time will come when you will see the real me. And then what? Then you’ll despise me too, Joonie.”
No, Breeze, I could never despise you! I love you. I adore your sweet heart, even if it falls short of perfection. You’re perfect to me, even in your imperfection. I find no fault in you, my love. Even when you find fault in yourself. Especially then!
“I’m not beautiful.”
What?! You’re stunning! You caught my eye as soon as I stepped into that coffee shop! Sitting there all cute, devouring the book in your hands. Such sexy brain wrinkles!
“It’s no secret. You won’t find my form beautiful.”
What is she talking about? Her form? Does she mean her body?
He thought of all her beautiful curves. He longed to cuddle them. He sighed over her cute legs. He’d love to wrap his own legs around them. He remembered her lovely face. The one whose freckles he had memorized last night. He recalled every precious detail of her countenance. Oh, especially her captivating eyes! They’d been hidden by her slumber, but he’d never forget them even when he couldn’t see them. Blue like the Pacific Ocean meeting the shoreline. A pure azure that a man could drown in if he weren’t careful. Now his own eyes found her page again. He forced himself to read the painful words.
“I meet no standards of Asian beauty. I’m too tall.”
He loved that! So was he! Perhaps she thought it was an asset only for guys. But she was the perfect height for him. Just short enough that he still towered over her, but the right height to kiss her properly if they stood together on consecutive stairsteps. He could take the bottom one, she the top, then she’d be about the same height as he was. He began to daydream about another aspect of her beautiful face. Her lips. Her pretty, pink, eminently kissable lips. He spent a few moments practicing kissing them in his mind’s eye. He would definitely have to find the opportunity to use this expertise the next time he saw her!
“My frame is too large. I’ve eaten too many calories and not run enough miles.”
What? That was a lie! He really loved her curves. He remembered holding her close while she slept and enjoying the soft feel of her body melding with his own. Wished he could relive that soon!
“I wear glasses, even my eyes having failed to meet the ideal.”
SO DO I! Have I failed you now?
“I’ve tried hard to shed the extra weight I carry. I’ve even succeeded at dropping half of it, but I know that’s not enough. A gorgeous guy like you wants a model of perfection, a slender, sexy beauty to escort out into public. She’s who you deserve, Joonie. No one wants a rounded girl with too many curves.”
This was just a blatant lie. He loved, loved, loved her curves! There was no such thing as a perfect body shape. Girls came in all shapes and sizes! And they were all good! He laughed as he thought of War of Hormone. Every girl had the goods that guys wanted.
What was more important was her heart. If she was stunningly beautiful but was unkind, critical, and vicious, then no guy in his right mind would want to be with her. He thought of Breeze. She was thoughtful. Her heart readily touched by the slightest kindness. She was so sensitive too, easily marred by the stupid things guy do sometimes. And by the treachery of friends to whom she had shown only fidelity. She was sweet and kind, not a brutal bone in her body.
“My older friend tells me that’s a lie.”
What was a lie? He glanced back up to the last sentence in the previous paragraph.
“No one wants a rounded girl with too many curves.”
Oh, yes! A definite lie. Her friend was right. She was wise. Breeze should definitely listen to and hang on to this friend. She sounded like a good match for Breeze. Kind, caring, wonderful.
“She insists that there are plenty of real men who like girls with curves, but I don’t see it. Everything around me belies her words. All the swimsuit models are stunningly skinny. Even their belly buttons are perfect. Of course, my friend would tell me they are all airbrushed. Perhaps she’s right. Joonie, are you airbrushed too? I feel the need to be airbrushed myself. But I feel like the brush would not love me, its air would not caress away my faults as it does others’.”
He closed his eyes. If she only knew all the flaws of his own that were airbrushed every single day or covered with concealer. No one was as perfect as BTS photos made it seem. For crying out loud! Jungkook had an inch-long scar on his left cheek! No one thought he was ugly. ARMY fainted for him. They panted after him even in the photos where the beautiful flaw was visible. Some of them loved him more because of it. As Namjoon would love Breeze. Should he ever actually find a flaw in her. He hadn’t thus far. Not anything he considered a fault. Though Breeze seemed to see herself differently than he did. He sent up a silent prayer that she would see herself as he did. Through his eyes. Perhaps it was time to lend her his rose-colored glasses of perfect love. She’d look beautiful in them too.
He glanced back down at the last two paragraphs. Thank God! He was nearly done with this excruciating letter.
“All the heroines in the Asian dramas I watch are skinny girls with perfect noses and wide, dark eyes. They have long, slender limbs, and when the hero has to carry them home, he doesn’t hurt his back; though, he must walk blocks to rescue his damsel-in-distress. I fear I’d put your back out of joint, Joonie, were you to carry me anywhere at all.”
Was he growling now? This was making him mad. How could she put herself down like this?! Was it because of those jerks in high school and the horrid things they’d said to her? If they were before him now, he would rearrange their faces for so wounding this precious heart!
“The point is: I’m not good enough. I’ve always known it.”
He closed his eyes again. He was familiar with this feeling. Even attaining the success that he had just introduced worse fears. He might have made it to the top, but should he quit working so hard, should any of them take a break from their diligence, it could all be taken away. So much pressure. The weight became heavier with every performance, meet-and-greet, interview, and photo shoot. Now he had so many people’s expectations to live up to. No longer just his own and those of his parents and teachers.
But it was all a lie. She was good enough. She was perfect. She was beautiful. She made his heart sing. And he reflected ruefully that she would most likely tell him that he was enough too. They both just needed to love themselves.
Why was it so much easier to love her? Maybe because he knew himself so well. He had more grace for others. But wasn’t that what this whole letter was about? Failing oneself. Because the one knows his or her own faults. The thoughts that fall short of wholeness. The ones that are never spoken. The ones no one else even knows exist. He sighed. Was it even possible for him to heal her heart? Her problems were linked to the human condition, that which afflicted them all. She wasn’t extraordinary in that sense. Everyone struggled with this. But he knew that, ultimately, the more mercy she had for herself, the more mercy she’d have for others. Maybe she just needed to know that she wasn’t alone. That everyone doubted themselves. Everyone hated themselves sometimes. Everyone missed the mark.
“Underneath all my efforts, I’ve always known that I’m a failure. Though, God knows, I’ve tried. I’ve worked so hard to meet the mark, to be the paragon of perfection the world expects. Yet I find I fail every time. And I’m becoming more exhausted with every effort. What’s the point, Joonie?”
A lone tear slid down his cheek. His precious girl was so hurt. Her heart was crying out for love. And he was answering! But could she even hear him over the cry of her own heart?
He sat up that night for a long time thinking of her. Wishing he could read the other pages of her private diary. The one she’d addressed to him but had no actual plans of sharing with him. She thought she wasn’t good enough for him. It was such a lie. But how could he show her?
A plan began to formulate in the back of his mind.