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Chapter 6: My Worst Regret – August 12 – 13, 2019

Yunseong glanced up as she heard her sister call her name.  Her twin was running towards her.  Jungkook was lagging behind.  Just then, Yunseong heard the door behind her open.  She glanced back to see Tae coming down the steps into the backyard.  She whipped around and faced her sister.

“Come see what Kookie made me!”

“What he made you?” Tae queried.

She nodded.  Yunyeong grabbed Yunseong’s hand and tugged her towards the gray wall.  They slipped around its corner and, a few feet later, stepped through its gate.  Yunyeong tugged her nearly into the very center of the garden and then spun them around.

Yunseong’s eyes took in the glories of the sweetly scented garden.  “What am I looking for?” she asked as Tae and Jungkook stepped through the gate.

“You’re standing in it, silly!  Kookie built me this whole garden.”

“What?” gasped Yunseong. 

She stared in awe at Jungkook.  And she couldn’t even get Tae to kiss her again!  Suddenly, she felt the weight of a very heavy oppression clouding her mind and pressing down on her heart.  What was wrong with her?  Yuni had now had two boyfriends, yet Yunseong couldn’t even attract one.  

“What do you think?” breathed her twin.

I think there must be something wrong with me.

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered.  “But I’m not feeling very well.  Would you mind if we head back to our house?”  She paused.  “I’m sorry.  I’m being completely selfish.  You probably want to sit in this garden with Kookie for a while and bask in the shade of that apple tree.”

Yuni gave her a strange look, but she missed it.  “No, actually, it’s all right.  I want to head back too.”

Yunseong’s head snapped around.  There was an odd note to her sister’s voice.  What was going on?

“Hey,” she bent towards her twin’s ear.  “Are you all right?”

“How could I not be wonderful?  Did you see what Kookie did for me?” 

She spun around as her eyes took in the gorgeous view one more time.  Ending with Kookie’s countenance.  He was staring at her.  Even as Tae’s deep voice purred in his ear.

“You built this whole garden for a girl you just met a few weeks ago?”  Tae’s eyes had grown quite wide as he stared in awe at the beautiful scenery surrounding them.  “If you ever grow tired of it, I’ll take it.  It’s stunning, Jungkookie.  If you ever need a job, I’ll hire you as my landscape architect.”

Jungkook grinned at his friend.  “Thanks, but…do you think Yunyeong likes it?”

Tae just stared at him like he was nuts.  “Did you see the look on her face?  You just sealed the deal.  That girl will never fall in love with anyone else.  She’s yours forever now.”

Jungkook hoped so.  But he had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.  It only increased as her eyes met his.  What exactly was going on in that beautiful girl’s beautiful heart? 

—

Yunseong hadn’t said another word to Tae.  Not since she’d flown out of the house in a huff.  Now she was oddly silent on the ride home.  She stared out her window the entire time.  Yunseong never once met Tae’s eyes.  

Though, for his part, he was distracted from the passing scenery by her turned head.  He didn’t take his eyes off her.  He kept expecting her to glance his way at any moment.  He spent an hour waiting for something that never happened.

When they arrived at the twins’ house, Jungkook turned towards Tae.  “Can I drive you home?”

Tae glanced at Yunseong.  But she was already climbing out of the car.  Suddenly, she turned towards Jungkook.  

“Thanks for taking us with you, Jungkook.  That garden was absolutely stunning!  I’m so glad I got to see it.  And your Gran is an amazing cook!  I think I’m really jealous of Yuni at this point.”  

She beamed at him then and slammed the door in Tae’s face without so much as a backward glance at him.  Perturbed, he watched her walk into her house.  

Yunyeong turned towards Jungkook.

“Kookie.”  She paused.  She was trying so hard not to cry.  “Thank you so much,” she whispered as she gazed down at her lap.  “So beautiful.  It’s so beautiful,” she just kept muttering over and over again.

His warm hand came down on hers.  On her knee.  She closed her eyes.  But she managed to prevent herself from jumping.

He smiled down at her, trying to set her at ease.  Something was terribly wrong.  He felt so deflated.  He’d spent weeks working towards today.  Yet…something had gotten in the way.  What was it?

“Can I come jog with you in the morning?”  His sweet voice punctured her eardrum.

Her stomach revolted.  She nodded.  “Bye, Kookie,” she mumbled before sliding from her seat.  

Jungkook watched her a little forlornly as she shut her door and headed for her house.  Without inviting him in.

“Trouble in paradise?” Tae asked.

Jungkook glanced back at him.  “I could ask you the same.”

Tae frowned.  “I’m not courting Yunseong.”

“Yeah,” Jungkook rejoined.  “Why is that exactly?”

“We’re just friends.  I’m not interested in her like that.”

“Which is why you couldn’t take your eyes off her on the ride home.”  Jungkook nodded knowingly.  “And you kissed her the first day you met her.”

Tae growled at him.

—

Yunyeong ran to her room, closed her door firmly, and threw herself across her bed.

You don’t deserve him.  You don’t deserve his extravagant gift.  You don’t deserve your very own secret garden.

The insidious voice hissed in her ear repeatedly.  It would continue to wreak its havoc for several hours that night.  Completely destroying her joy in today.

She watered her pillow with her tears.  She sobbed until she’d given herself a headache.  Then she took a shower before returning to her bed.  She cried herself to sleep.  Eventually.

—

The next morning, Kookie knocked on the front door of her house, but no one answered.  Puzzled, he texted her.  But he got no response.  Remembering her story, he walked over to her bedroom window.  He tried to peek through the blinds.  But they were firmly shut against the bright morning sun.  

He rapped on the windowpane with his knuckles.  He did it repeatedly until he saw that shade move.  Then, tentatively, one slim finger parted them, and a green eye glanced down at him.  That eye widened.  Then it disappeared.  The blinds were fully closed once more.

A moment later, his phone vibrated.  He pulled it from his pocket.

“Give me five minutes.  I’ll meet you at the front door.”

He sighed with relief.  She wasn’t ignoring him.  She’d just overslept.

— 

Yunyeong sighed as she pulled on a clean T-shirt and shorts.  She ran to her bathroom and brushed her hair.  Then she pulled it into a ponytail.  She brushed her teeth, so her breath wouldn’t scare him away.  

Then, with leaden feet, she went to face the executioner.  He was about to put an end to their relationship.  There was no way Kookie would want anything to do with her after she admitted the truth to him.

Her heart was thudding rapidly by the time she opened the front door.  Blood was rushing into her ears.  Tears were flooding her eyes.  

Kookie took one look at her crestfallen face, and he stepped into the house.  “Is anyone else here?”

She shook her head.  Before, she would have felt uneasy being alone with him.  But not today.  She trusted him implicitly now.  Any man who would spend weeks performing back-breaking labor to build her dream was trustworthy.

“Then let’s stay here and talk.  You look like you had a rough night.”

He couldn’t take it any longer.  He swung the door shut, locked it, and turned towards her.  He reached out and pulled her into his arms.  Wrapping them firmly around her and drawing her as close as was humanly possible.

“Please,” he whispered into her ear.  “Tell me what’s breaking your heart.  But let me hold you while you do.”

She shuddered and buried her face in Kookie’s strong chest.  “I had a boyfriend three years ago.  Eunho.”  

Her voice was so muffled by his shirt that Jungkook had to strain to hear her.  

“I thought he was wonderful.  He was always giving me sweet presents and saying nice things to me.  Complimenting me on how I looked or what I was wearing.  Telling me how he desired me.”

She was shaking now.  His arms tightened about her.

“It’s all right.  Take your time.”

“He kept finding ways for us to be alone.  And he kept subtle pressure on me to up our intimacy level.”

Jungkook’s heart sank.  He had a feeling he knew where this was going.

“In the beginning, it was innocent enough.  Just kisses.  Until the day, it wasn’t.  He started to touch me places that were, at first, uncomfortable.  But, eventually, I grew to like his touch.  So he kept pulling me closer to his goal.”  

She took a deep breath and plunged on.  She needed to get this out so she could be done with it.  

“One night, he arranged for us to be alone.  He lied to my parents and said he was taking me to dinner.  But then he took me back to his house.  His parents were gone that weekend.”  

She stopped.  She was having the hardest time just breathing.  This was the moment she was going to lose Kookie.  How could she face life without him?  Especially after the memory of their beautiful rose garden?  She’d never find another guy like this one.  Not even if she searched the world for a million years.  Oh!  That she could just erase her past.

Jungkook rubbed her back as he buried his nose in her hair.  He wished he could rob this moment of its pain for her.  She was trembling.  She was clearly very upset.  She tried to speak again, but her voice caught.  She suddenly sobbed into his chest.

“He took me to his room.  He took his shirt off.  He reached for me and started kissing me.  Then he took off my shirt.  Then my shorts.  We made out for a while.  

“He took the rest of his clothes off.  I got scared.  I changed my mind.  I didn’t want to go any further.  But he pushed me down on the bed.  He kept pushing me.  He…” She stopped.  

She was sobbing so hard that Jungkook could feel her tears through his shirt.  An aching anger was spiraling up out of his heart right now.  He understood what she hadn’t said.  He wanted to punch that guy right now.  Repeatedly.  Until he couldn’t move anymore.

But with Yunyeong, he was infinitely gentle.  His arms tightened around her, his fingers slid up and down her back in a calming rhythm, and his gentle voice breathed into her ear.  

“It’s all right, Yunyeong.  I’m here.  I’m not going anywhere.”  

He felt her tense.  She was going to argue with him.  Tell him he didn’t understand.  But he did.  

“He raped you, didn’t he?”

A wail broke loose from her lips as she clung to him.  She nodded her head.  She was still hiding against his chest.  As far as Jungkook was concerned, she could hide in his arms for the rest of her life.

“You never told anyone, did you?” His voice was just a breath, but she heard it.

“No.”

“Not even Yunseong?”

“No.”

—

Yunseong clung to the wall at her back.  She’d just woken up.  She’d been headed towards the kitchen when she’d heard voices in the living room.  She hadn’t meant to eavesdrop.  But it had been clear from their tones that Jungkook and her sister were having a serious conversation, so she’d stopped and remained hidden in the hallway.  Straining to hear their voices.

Now, her mind rebelled at the words Jungkook had just spoken.  Eunho had raped Yuni?  Horrified, Yunseong stared at the ceiling.  

How on earth had she not known?  How had she not felt it?  Weren’t twins supposed to have an unbreakable bond?  A special sensitivity to the other’s pain?  Why hadn’t Yuni told her?

—

“Why didn’t you tell your sister?”

“It was my fault,” Yunyeong admitted brokenly.  “I went to his house to sleep with him.  I enticed him.”

Angry, Jungkook cut her off.  “You did not entice him.  He played you.  He pressured you.  He forced you.”

She winced with every sentence, but Jungkook knew she needed to hear him.  She needed to hear a man tell her that she had the right to say no.  That it was wrong that she’d been violated.

He drew away from her until he’d found her eyes.  “Yuni, look at me.”

Finally, she dragged her gaze from his chest and met his eyes with her own.

“It was not your fault.”  He paused.  “Did you at any point tell him to stop?  Or push him away?  Or do anything that communicated to him that you didn’t want to go through it?” 

Although, the guy would have to be totally insensate not to feel the tension that must have been petrifying her whole body in that moment.  There was no question about it.  The guy had raped her.  And he had known he was doing so.  Whether or not she had said or done anything to stop him.

She nodded vigorously as several tears suddenly descended from her eyelashes to spend themselves against her cheeks.  “Repeatedly.  I begged him to stop.  But he didn’t.”  She was sobbing again.

“Oh, baby.  My poor baby,” Jungkook murmured.  He pulled her back up against him again.  “I am so, so, so sorry.  You deserved better than that.  You are worth more than that.”

She wept against his chest for a while.  “You see now, don’t you?” she whispered.  “I don’t deserve you.  I don’t deserve the beautiful garden you worked so hard to build me.”  She tried to push him away, but he understood that she wanted to cling to him, so he tightened his hold on her.

He breathed into her hair, stirring the scent of roses.  “My darling girl, that is nothing but a lie.  I love you.  Did you think you were going to scare me away with that little story?”

But he knew that was exactly what she’d thought. 

“I’m made of sterner stuff than that.  Your being abused doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”  If anything, it made him want to shield her even more.

“But I asked for it.  I planned on having sex with him that night.  I just chickened out.”

“You did not ask to be raped!” Jungkook sighed into her ear.   “Did you think you loved him?”

She nodded.  

“So, you wanted to give him your most precious gift.  I’m betting you believed he’d marry you someday.  And he kept putting pressure on you, didn’t he?”

She nodded.  It was true.  “He kept telling me he loved me.  Every time he touched me, he’d remind me of his feelings.”  Her voice trailed off.

“And you got the message loud and clear.  If you returned his love, you’d let him have your body.  All of it.”

She nodded.

“But you didn’t really want to have sex with him, did you?”

She shook her head.  “I always wanted to wait until I got married.”

“Then we will,” Jungkook murmured in her ear.

She stilled for a moment.  But then her head came flying up, and her eyes pierced his.  “What?”

His face broke into a tender smile.  One that made her want to weep.  His eyes were caressing her right now.

“I’m going to show you what real love looks like, Yuni.  It isn’t pressure.  It’s purity.  It’s action.  It’s being willing to set aside your own desires to do what’s best for the one you love.  And I understand that you’ll only be secure with me once I’ve pledged my whole life to you.

“We won’t have sex till we get married.  No matter how many years it takes me to convince you that I’m worth the risk.”

“Kookie!  You are worth a thousand of me!  I—“

He placed his strong, slender forefinger over her lips.  “I do not ever want to hear you disrespect yourself again, all right?” His voice was a whisper, but that whisper was lethal.  “You were born to be a queen, Yuni.  And I will not treat you as less than one.  Not ever.  You are most precious to me.

“I built you that garden because I love you and I wanted you to know that you could trust me.  That I would always provide you with a safe haven from life’s storms.  Nothing has changed.  You are still the beautiful, sweet girl you were yesterday.  And I’m still a boy so in love with you that I can’t breathe properly around you.”

Trembling, she gazed up at him.  Tears continued to leak out from under her eyelids.  Her brow furrowed.

“I don’t understand.  How can you still want me?  He…he…he touched me.  He…”

“Had no power to steal your true worth,” Jungkook voiced emphatically in his sweet tone.

She buried her nose against his chest again and began to sob some more.  Jungkook simply held her close as he dropped kisses in her rose-scented hair.

Meanwhile, Yunseong stood, still horrified, in the hallway.  How had she never discerned the source of her twin’s pain?  No wonder Yuni had completely shut down.  Closed the world out.  Hidden in her cave.

Yunseong had thought she just needed space. That she’d just gotten her heart broken.  That had never happened to Yunseong before, so she had no experience to go off of.  She’d thought perhaps her sister’s reaction to her breakup was normal.  Who wanted to go out with another guy and risk getting her heart broken again?

But it had been so much worse than that.