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Chapter 7: I Love What I See – January 10, 2022

She was drowning in his embrace, under the onslaught of that passionate mouth.  

Someone finally wanted her!  Really wanted her.  She could feel the yearning of his soul.  He desired her.

But then she felt him withdrawing from her.  And her heart sank.

Yunseok was wondering if he could handle lying in a bed with her all night and not kissing her.  Not touching her.  Not running his fingers down her soft skin.  Or burying them in her silky hair.  Not claiming her lips with his.  Or her body with his own.

Had Yuni been right?  That it was stupid to tempt himself?  

But then he remembered Heejin’s terror in the middle of the night.  Her fear palpable in the darkness.  And he knew he couldn’t leave her to face the nightmares alone.  His presence had delivered her from them.  He couldn’t steal his presence from her now.  He could never leave her alone again.

He had to get himself under control.

He glanced up and noticed the crushed expression in her eyes.  He bent his head close to hers.  Until his forehead rested against hers.  He began to rub her back.

“I want you, Heejin.”

Her eyes tangled with his.  In a funny sort of cross-eyed way.  

“I want you so badly.  But…I don’t want to hurt you.  So I’m packing my desires away tonight.  So I can hold you in your bed again.  Can you rein in your desire for me too?”

Confused, she frowned.  “But…why don’t you want to indulge in it?”

“I do,” he breathed against her lips.  “But I don’t want to hurt you.  You’re…you’re worth the wait to me, Heejin.”

“The wait?  What wait?”

“I’m talking about marriage.”

She couldn’t breathe.  Her eyes widened, and she drew away from him until she could clearly focus on his eyes.  On that beautiful face.

“You…you want to marry me?”

He nodded.  

“Wh-what?  But we’ve only known each other for a few weeks.”

His face fell a little.  “So, you don’t feel it too?”

“Oh, no!  I feel it!  But, I — marriage is a lifelong commitment, Yunseok.  You want to saddle yourself with me for life?”

He frowned.  “You act like I’d be in a prison.  You’re not a burden.  I love you, Heejin.”

“It’s only because you don’t really know me,” she mumbled, half to herself.  “If you knew me as well as the others, you’d pull away too.”

“What?  No!  Heejin, that’s not true.”

“It is.  Life never gives me anything good.  Unless it’s about to steal it away from me.”  She let go of him and slid off his lap.  As sadness swamped her and tears invaded her vision.  “You’ll change your mind.  That’s the only option.  Or…” Her eyes widened in fear.  

She jumped up and backed away.  “Yunseok, stay away from me!  I won’t see you hurt too!”

She spun on her heel and ran for her room.  She firmly shut and locked the door.  But she’d forgotten about her bathroom door.

—

He lay in his bed for hours that night.  Awake.  Staring at the ceiling.  Yearning for the terrified girl across the hall.  And wondering if she was longing for him.

She was afraid to love him.  Afraid that her love would destroy him.  That his connection to her would ultimately steal the breath from his lungs.

He was familiar with that fear.

And he was waiting…for the moment she really needed him.  One fear would give way to the need to be rescued from the other.  So when she screamed, he remembered the bathroom door.  And prayed she’d forgotten to lock it.  Elsewise, he was going to have to break down the door to her room.

He sighed with relief as the bathroom doorknob turned in his hand.  He crept into her bathroom and then into her bedroom.  He slid between the sheets.  Like always.  Except tonight his heart was heavier.  He reached for her.

“It’s all right, Heejin,” he whispered.  “I am here.”

But this time, she recoiled.  “Yunseok?  No!  You can’t be here.  You’ll get smashed.  Go!” she screamed in his face.  “Get out of here!  Let me die alone!”  She began to sob.

That’s when he realized that she was still sleeping.  

He shook her.  Hard.  “Hee…jin.  Heejin!  Wake up.”

He bent his head and whispered in her ear, “I love you, sweet girl.  I’m not leaving you.  So your choice is to wake up and realize you’re safe in my arms.  Or stay asleep and let us die together.”

She went perfectly still.  “Everyone always leaves,” she whimpered.  

“I know,” he responded quietly.  “But it’s not true, you know.”

She turned to him.  Suddenly, she was very awake.  

“It is true!  Appa.  Eomma.  They left me as soon as I was born.  Locked themselves away in some cold cave where I still can’t reach them!  

“My nanny.  As soon as I was gone to school, she slipped from my life.  All my school friends.  They all deserted me after one night spent at my house.  Minyeon,” she began to cry.  “She was the worst of all because she made no choice.  Her association with me must have destroyed her.  Finally, Hobi.  He sensed the danger and was smart enough to flee to the safety of Minsu’s arms.”  

She began to sob.  “I can’t see you hurt.  I can’t.  I love you.  Far more than I ever loved any of them.  Even Minyeon.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” he murmured into her ear.  His head was resting in the crook of her neck.  “I love you too.  And I’m not about to let you run away from me.”

Desperately, she pushed against his chest. But his arm was wrapped tightly around her.

“You don’t understand!”

“Yes…I do.  Far better than you have any idea,” came his quiet voice.  Its confidence stilled her.

“What are you talking about?”

He sighed.  Then he moved to turn on the lamp on her nightstand.  The one he’d bought her so that she would never be stuck in the dark.

He settled back down next to her.  She turned to face him.  He reached out and touched her arm.  Absentmindedly, he began to trace circles on her skin.

“I’ve never told you what happened the year I turned twelve.”

There was an intense sorrow invading his gaze now.  It stole her breath.  She tensed, waiting for him to spill his private pain.  It was going to be horrendous.  She could feel it coming.

“I,” he gasped as the pain of it pierced him afresh.  He hadn’t spoken of it in years.

“It was the week before my twelfth birthday.  My best friend and I were out riding our bikes.  I challenged him to race me home.”  He inhaled sharply as he suddenly paused, his eyes fluttering shut.

She felt his pain and reached up to touch his cheek with her fingers.  His eyes flew open and locked with hers.  Then, as her thumb stroked his cheek in a soothing manner, the words tumbled from his lips.

“He rode his bike out into traffic.  He didn’t even look.  So he didn’t see the car that had suddenly swerved around the corner bearing down on him.  Not until it was too late.”

Yunseok could still hear his scream.  It was akin to the one that called to him each night.  The one that always drew him to her side.  The one that kept him up until the wee hours of the morning.  Waiting to rescue her.

“Oh, Yunseok.  I am so sorry!”  She began to weep.

“That isn’t the whole story.”

She lifted her head in hope.  Had his friend pulled through?

But, in the next instant, he dashed that hope.

“We were running late for his funeral.  My dad and I decided to take his car.  The girls were taking too long to get ready.  He knew I was chafing at the bit to get there.  To see my friend one last time.  Before they closed the casket.”  He shut his eyes again, and a tear slid down his cheek.  

She frowned. She had a horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach.  But…his appa was still alive.  He’d talked about his parents.  They’d been on a date the night she’d first met him.

“He was driving so fast.  At one point, I begged him to slow down,” he sobbed.  “But…Appa was always in a hurry.  Always rushing off to somewhere.  It wasn’t just that day.  I try to solace myself with that thought.  But I know that if I had just been more patient, he’d still be here.”

“No!” she cried out.  “No!  You talk about your appa.  And your eomma.  He is still here.”

He shook his head as several tears escaped to flow down his cheeks.  “No,” he whispered.  “That’s my stepfather.  My appa died a few days after my best friend’s funeral.  He ran our car into another car.  T-boned it.  The woman driving it was instantly killed.  Appa hung on for a few days.  But he never woke up.  I never spoke to him again.”

She was sobbing.  She couldn’t take it.  No wonder Yunseok had been so sensitive to her pain. He understood.  He comprehended so much more than she could have fathomed.  His loss had been so much worse.

She sobbed against his chest.  They wept together for a while over their shared pain.

“I was terrified for the longest time that anyone I loved would he snatched from me.  Appa and I were extremely close.  I lost my two best friends within a week of each other.  And in both cases, it was my fault.”

“No!  Yunseok, it was not your fault!  Your appa knew better than to drive like that!  He was an adult.  You were a kid.  And your friend…he knew to look into traffic before he leapt.  He just…”

“…wanted to beat me home.”  He clung to her as his tears fell to water her shoulder.  “Please.  Please don’t pull away from me.  I can’t lose you too,” he groaned.

—

She looked up into his precious face.  She couldn’t do it.  She couldn’t cause him more pain.  And he understood her even better than she understood herself.

“I won’t.  I promise,” the words slipped from her lips in a flood.  “I won’t ever leave you, Yunseok.  I promise.”

She lifted her face to his, but he pulled away to grab a Kleenex.  His nose was running.  She grabbed one too.  A few moments later, he settled his head on her pillow.  He grimaced.  Then he lifted his head and stuck his hand under her pillow.  It emerged a moment later with a can of pepper spray.

He quirked one dark eyebrow at her.  “Do you think you’re going to need this?”

“Absolutely not,” she whispered.

He set it on her nightstand and leaned back.  She lay down next to him and slipped her arm around him.  Her head was pillowed over his chest once more.  She inhaled deeply.  Then she began to write on his chest with the tip of her finger.  Over and over again, like she could surround him with those words that were flowing like a rushing geyser up out of her heart.

I love you.  

I love you.

I love you.

Did she know that her insistent finger was undoing him?

Her love was now engulfing him as his had surrounded her for weeks.  He began to weep silent tears again.  No one had ever been able to comfort him.  He had walked alone for years.  Burying that pain deep down in his heart.  Where no one’s eyes could see.  Past layers of protective gear that kept them all out. 

Until the day he had met Heejin.  And the second time he’d crossed her path when he’d seen the same terror overcome her face that he knew had flashed across his own so long ago.  He couldn’t pass her by.  He couldn’t stop thinking about her.  He couldn’t leave her alone in her misery.  He had to climb down into that pit with her.  Because he knew how badly it hurt to be bound to that darkness.  And how terrifying it was to be alone there.

Now he clung to her and let his own pain flow down his cheeks.  

Her ear was resting against that strong chest.  Listening to every sob.  She glanced up at his face.  It was already well-watered.  His agony was streaming down his cheeks in wave after wave of tears.  

She wished to reach inside of him and pull out the source of that pain.  She wanted to wrap herself around him and absorb every shard of grief that pierced him still.  Mostly, she wanted to eradicate the guilt he’d walked around with for nine years.  She knew that condemnation was the thing that had been eating him alive for all that time.

“It’s not your fault, Seokie.  Let it go.”  

She whispered the pet name his sisters had given him.  What she didn’t know was his appa had been the first one to call him that.  As she spoke those words, he heard his appa’s voice echo them.

It’s not your fault, Seokie.  Son, it’s not your fault.  Let it go.

Yunseok bawled like a baby.  His arms tightened around her, and he sobbed into her hair.  Great, shaking sobs that rattled his chest.  

“Your appa was your best friend.  He would never want you to carry this burden.  Lay it down, Seokie.  Your appa would want you to be happy.  He would want you to embrace life.  Not to hide from the world in your cave.  He would want you to find the thing you were born for and pursue it.  He would want you to love.  And to live.  And to laugh.  

“Yes, even without his presence here.  But, Seokie, he lives on in your heart.  He’s not forgotten.  But he would want you to forget the guilt.  The shame.  The sorrow.  Leave the past in the past.  Embrace your future.”

As her words penetrated his heart, he began to calm down.  His tears eventually dried up.  He lay still, his arms tightly about her, hugging her to him.  He sniffed.  And shuddered.  And sighed.  And closed his eyes.

But then he spoke into the stillness, causing ripples to flow around her.

“Heejin.  Would you consider marrying me?   I can take care of you.  Our lives wouldn’t be so different from now.  Except I could sleep in your bed every night.  And we could do delightful things together.”  The corners of his mouth quirked upward.  “And you wouldn’t have to worry about money.  I make enough to support us.  You could work if you like your job.  But if you got pregnant and wanted to stay home with our baby, you could.”

He wasn’t looking at her, but she was looking at him.  His face was oddly vulnerable.  But there was also something sweet, something tender, in his expression.

“You want children,” she stated.

“Very much so,” he murmured.  “But I, I also…” His eyes opened and found hers.  “I want you.”  He paused.  Then he breathed, “Can I have you?”  Then, more stillness as his eyes probed hers.  “Would you consider taking me?  As your husband.”

Her heart was flying.  Soaring somewhere up above their heads.  She wasn’t sure she’d ever find it again.  

“But, Yunseok, you really don’t know me.  I know you.  You’re my knight in shining armor.  The guy who just keeps rescuing me time and again.  The one who pulled me from the darkness into his light.  

“But who am I?  The pitiful girl you found stranded in her car.  Twice.  A girl who’s afraid of the dark.  And cars.  And accidents.  And a hundred other things I’ve never even told you.  

“I’m a coward.  And a reject.  I know it seems like I have a hundred friends, but it’s only because I used Appa’s money to bless them.  Now that I no longer have it, they’ll move on to someone else.  No one has ever loved me for me.  Except Minyeon.  And she is gone.”

“That’s not who you are, Heejin.  I know who you are.  You’re the one person I felt safe baring my heart to.  Revealing my secret pain to.  You’re the one who coaxed me out of my cave.  Back into life.  

“You’re the girl whose beautiful, chocolate eyes light up my world.”

He gazed deeply into them for a few beats of his heart.  Then he bent his head and brushed his lips across her temple.  He whispered in her ear, “Whose silken hair I want to slide my fingers through.” 

He did just that, enjoying the satiny touch of her long locks as they slid over his fingertips.  He buried his face in the luxurious tresses he’d gathered in his palm and rubbed his nose against them as he inhaled deeply, breathing in her essence. 

Tangerines. 

His breath was flowing over the crook of her neck where his face sheltered.  She shivered.  His words, as well as his breath, were doing strange things to her.

But he wasn’t done. 

“Whose lips are like heaven to touch.” 

He lifted his face and pressed his lips lightly against her own.  Then he clung there for a little while.  Finally, he whispered against her mouth, “Whose heart loves me.  It wraps around me and invades my own with your love.”  He stared down at her lips as his eyes caressed them.  “Whose mouth speaks the sweetest words to me.  Ones my heart needs to hear.”

He brushed his lips against hers again.  “I love you, Heejin,” he murmured as his lips embraced hers.  “Only you.”

He lifted his face and kissed her forehead.  “If you think I don’t know you, then let me in.  Let me know you.  Show me who you are.”

She gazed up at him sheepishly for a few moments, then she admitted in a small voice, “I’m terribly impatient sometimes.  Especially with Appa.  It’s why I left his company.”

“No.  It isn’t.  You left because you felt rejected.”

She inhaled sharply through her teeth.  He was right.

“If your appa had told you what an amazing job you were doing as a personal assistant, you would have worked that job happily for another five years.”

He was right again.  “How do you know that?”

“Because you, my dear, are an open book.  Your heart is in your eyes.  And you wear it on your sleeve too.  You’re not complicated.  You’re sweet.  You want to make those around you happy.  Even at your own expense.  It’s why you fought so hard to help Hobi to win Minsu.  You were in love with him.  Yet you supported his choice!  

“You are an amazing woman, Heejin.  Very few girls would have done for their ex-boyfriend what you did.  I don’t understand why you put yourself down like you do.  You are simply amazing!”

He paused for a moment.  “Is it because of him?  Your appa.  Because your whole life you’ve felt like you disappointed him?  You’ve never been able to please him, so you think there is something wrong with you?”

When she didn’t respond, he continued, “It’s not true, Heejin.  You’re so wonderful.  You’re so beautiful.  You’re perfect.” His eyes slid along the contours of her lovely countenance.  “Just the way you are.  Your appa is blind if he cannot see that.  He cannot see you.  But I see you, Heejin, and I love what I see.”