I’d rather be dead than live without passion.
I understood. All my desires flowed from the same place. The love in my heart was a raging fire that wouldn’t be put out. But that didn’t mean that I wanted to burn down every forest I stood before.
I sighed. It felt so good to hear him say it, but did he really mean it? Did he even know what those words really meant?
“So, what does that look like to you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, let’s say I got really sick. I had to be hospitalized. And you were on a tour of Europe. Where would you be, Kookie? Would you leave your screaming fans and board a plane to come visit me? How would you even explain such an absence?”
He looked at me, considering the possibilities. He pondered it for long enough, several moments, so I knew he was offering me a measured answer. Not just heedlessly flying off the cuff. Maybe he wasn’t just a raging fire after all.
“You would be my family. And family always comes first.”
“Does it, Kookie? How much time have you spent with your parents in the last six years?”
I knew I wasn’t playing fair, but this was my heart we were talking about here. And his.
Suddenly, he stepped backward. Away from me. And I felt the loss of his closeness like someone had removed my arm from me. Tears sprang to my eyes. I turned away from him, attempting to hide my pain.
Then he reached for my hand, and the world righted itself again as his warm fingers entangled themselves with my own. That’s when I knew how much trouble I was already in. It was too late. I had already let go…
He pulled me along until we found a walking path. He directed us down it. I couldn’t help but notice the beautiful, autumn leaves littering the ground around us.
My question of a few moments before was still echoing in our ears, “How much time have you spent with your parents in the last six years?”
Apparently, he had taken the time to consider it, for his answer came to me as we walked along, the rising sun painting the sky overhead with vibrant pink and dusky purple. “But it’s not the same. They’re my parents, not my girlfriend. And you better believe that if I got word that one of them was deathly ill, I would walk out of a concert to attend to them. And ARMY would understand.”
“Yes, but that’s because they’re your parents. ARMY would not understand a girlfriend. Many ARMYs would be jealous. You’d have to keep me a secret. So how would you explain your absence?”
“I was suddenly taken ill. It happens. And if you were ill, I would be ill too!”
I smiled sadly at him. I knew he was going to have an answer for every question I threw at him. And I really wanted to hear his response to the next one, so I asked it. “Why do you love me?”
His answer surprised me. “Because you’re real. You’re down-to-earth. You’re a thinker, but you’re a feeler too. You live out of your passion for people and life, but you don’t let it rule you. You love people well, and you bring them together. You make them feel cherished. You make them feel unified.
“I saw it last night around the dinner table. It’s like you threaded a string and drew all your friends together. They all clearly love you – and you them – and you skillfully and sweetly spent the evening teaching them why they should love the others. And you managed to make all of us part of your family at the same time. We all felt it.”
I stared at him in awe, tears pricking my eyes. “You saw all that about me over pizza?”
He nodded. “You desire everyone to be your family. And from the outset, you treat everybody like they are until they actually become a part of you. I want that. I want to be your family. So in the event that I have to leave a concert for you, I’ll just tell ARMY that a beloved family member is sick, and I’m going to attend to them. And I will leave it at that. It will be the truth.”
Unsmiling, he was staring intently at me. I realized that I hadn’t seen his smile in a long time. I missed his chubby teeth. I longed for his laughter. I wanted his grin back. What would I have to do to see its return?
Just then, a strange look passed over his face. What was that? It made me uneasy for some reason.
“You still don’t believe in my love for you. You don’t believe it’s real,” he paused a moment as a wave of sadness washed over his face.
“It’s not that I doubt your intentions, Kookie. I just…” My voice trailed off as he rushed ahead.
“I’ll just have to prove it then.” I heard the steel in his voice.
It made my heart quake. An uneasy qualm broke the peace in my stomach, unleashing an army of butterflies to batter against my rib cage.
“What do you mean?” I asked fearfully.
He glanced at me, and I knew. I suddenly knew that all along he’d had this in mind if our conversation went south.
“You can’t, Kookie!” I knew I must look horrified. I certainly sounded so. I was. I hadn’t meant to back him into a corner. I’d just been honest about my feelings. Well, most of them, anyway.
