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Chapter 5: Violent Longing – October 29 – 30, 2020

Heat flooded her core at his words.  Did he understand what he was implying?  Everything that was bound up in sharing that intimate space with someone else?

He had never taken a girl to his bed.  For some reason, that thought made her weep some more.  

Jin was still pure.  And she was defiled.  So defiled.  By her own choices.  Of her own volition.

“You are clearly exhausted,” he breathed into her ear as he bent his head near hers.

He strode into her bedroom and laid her down in her bed.  Scooting her as far over as he could.  He followed her.  Sliding his long length under the covers and reaching for her to pull her up against him.  He was astounded that she was permitting him to.  

She pillowed her head against his strong chest.  And closed her eyes.  He was right.  She was so tired.  She was completely wiped out.  She had no reserves left with which to resist him.  Not tonight.  Tonight, Jin was simply…irresistible.

“Sleep, Yura.  Things will look better in the morning.  I promise you.”

—

The man looked amazing in the morning.  

Her eyes studied his beautiful face in the light of a rising sun.  Her gaze traced his plump lips.  The ones Minsu had been sighing over.  The ones Yura had once enjoyed at length.  She longed to peruse them again.

She could wake him with a kiss.  She could.  But…that probably wouldn’t be prudent.

A voice mocked her for a moment.

When have you ever been prudent?

She didn’t like that question, so she shifted her attention back to Jin.  And the feel of his arms about her.

She had spent the whole night wrapped in his embrace.  Floating along on an endless sea of clouds.  She had slept better last night than she had slept for years.  Safe and secure.  In Jin’s arms.  His sweet breath flowing over her hair.  His arms snug around her, drawing her as close as he dared.  Ever respectful of her.  She felt like weeping again.  

She couldn’t have him.

But, oh!  How she wanted him!  How she wished with all her heart that she could go back in time and redeem those years they’d lost.  And choose again.  This time she’d give Jin all of herself.  And Seungbin would get nothing.  Which was just what he deserved.  Nothing.

But Jin deserved it all.  He deserved every wonderful thing life could hand out.  Which, of course, was why she should drag herself from bed and prepare to usher him out of her apartment.  To protect him from the “less” he’d find with her so that he could pursue the “more” with someone else.  Someone worthy of him.

But she couldn’t bring herself to move.  So she lay still in his arms, her head pillowed against that strong chest.  

“I love you,” she whispered to his sleeping ears.  “I’ve always loved you.  I just got stupid for a few months.  I don’t even know why,” she was speaking in a broken, little voice that didn’t travel very far.

But it traveled far enough.  Jin heard every single word she uttered as he floated out of a dream state into reality.  And her words sank like arrows down deep under his skin to root themselves in his heart.

—

She lay there quietly for a long time.  Soaking herself in his sweet presence.  And tormenting herself with regrets.  She had so many to choose from.  She squeezed her eyes shut and hid from him even as she clung to him.

Jin opened his eyes after a while and feasted upon her beauty.  The faint glow of sunlight slipping through the shades was illuminating her sweet face.  A face Jin had loved since the first moment he’d seen it dripping wet.  Hers was a cheek he longed to caress with his lips.  That precious mouth too.  He’d claim it with his own and then make tender love to it.  If she would have him.  The violence of his feelings was overwhelming him in that moment.  It only increased a moment later as he watched the transformation creeping over her countenance.

Tears began to leak out underneath her closed eyelids.   Jin saw them, and his heart did a wild somersault.  He longed to pull her into himself and shield her from all the pain of her past.  But how could he accomplish that?  She seemed determined to punish herself.  For things she’d done five long years ago.

He just wanted to leave those things in yesterday. Where they belonged.  And lean down, grab her hand, and run into tomorrow.  Which was bound to be better.  As long as they were together.

Anything would be better than the five sad years he’d lived without her.

But how could he convince her that the past wouldn’t haunt their future if she let him into her heart and life again?  How could he prove to her that she was enough for him?  That his faith in her was enough.  

Jin was absolutely convinced that she would never again hurt him as she had with Seungbin.  Surely, she could never choose such a path again!   She had suffered for so long in so many ways because of that one bad choice.  So why did she think she was still susceptible to that same kind of stupidity?

He was sure she wasn’t.  So maybe he just needed to increase her faith in his own goodness.  Maybe if he could show her how absolutely wonderful he would be to her, she would become powerless to resist him.

—

Finally, she dragged herself from that bed while Jin was still sleeping.  She roused Minhyuk and made them all a quick breakfast.  Jin got up while she was frying bacon and Minhyuk was setting the table.  Jin wandered out to the tiny dining area that brushed up against the living room.

Minhyuk gave him a big grin.  “Mr. Jin!  You’re here!”  Then he scrunched up his cute, little face.  “Why are you here?”

“I’m going to drive you to school today,” Jin answered smoothly.

Yura glanced up at him.  “Minhyuk,” she addressed her son even as her eyes probed Jin’s.  “Set out a plate for Mr. Jin too.  I’m sure he’s hungry.”

Boy, was he ever!  For more of her.  His eyes communicated as much.

But Yura looked away from those intense depths.

Jin squatted down by the boy.  “Do you think,” he whispered in an undertone, “that if we ask really nicely your eomma would let us eat a brownie with our breakfast?”

Minhyuk’s eyes grew large and round.  Such a wonderful idea had never occurred to him!  But before he could even turn those adorable eyes on his eomma, she was rebuking his teacher.

“Mr. Jin!  How can you put such a thought in his head!  Brownies are not breakfast food!”

Jin stood up.  “Why not?”

She stared at him, stupefied, and nearly burnt the bacon.

“Every life needs a little sweetness, Yura,” he murmured as his eyes caressed hers.

She swallowed and turned her attention back to the bacon.

Jin glanced down at Minhyuk.  “Can I help you find your clothes for school?”

The little boy nodded eagerly before grabbing Jin’s hand and tugging him towards his bedroom.  They went through his drawers together.  They finally found all the pieces of his school uniform and laid them out on his bed so he could change quickly after breakfast.  

Jin grinned down at Minhyuk.  He reached out and stuck his finger through the hole in Minhyuk’s pajama shirt.  

“I take it this is a favorite shirt of yours?  It’s rather well-loved.”

The little boy’s face fell.  “Don’t say that in front of Eomma.”

“What?” Jin asked, stunned.  And perplexed.

“It’s the only one I have left.  I outgrew the others.  I couldn’t get my head through the hole anymore.  But I told Eomma this is my favorite, and I don’t want another.”

Jin continued to gaze at him in confusion.

“Mr. Jin,” the tiny boy crooked his finger at the tall man.  

Jin squatted down next to him.

Minhyuk placed his lips next to Jin’s ear and whispered, “I heard her crying one night after I went to bed.  She was talking to God, Mr. Jin.  She said, ‘I can’t even afford to buy my son any decent clothes.’  She doesn’t need to, Mr. Jin.  All I need is my eomma.  I like this shirt just fine.  The hole keeps me from getting too hot.”

Jin reached up to wipe away the tears that had suddenly flooded his eyes at the little boy’s admission and at the sweetness which had prompted his last statement.

“You know what I think, Minhyuk?” he whispered in turn.

“What?”

“Your eomma loves you very much.  And you are a very good, little boy.  She could not have a finer son.”  He ruffled the child’s hair then smiled at him.  “Shall we go see if breakfast is ready?”

Minhyuk reached up and slid his small hand into Jin’s bigger one.  “I’m starving, Mr. Jin!  Let’s go!”  

Then he tugged the tall gentleman back to the breakfast nook.

A couple minutes later, they all sat down at the little table in her living room.  Jin’s eyes ran along the cracked surface of that table.  He slid his hand over it.  It was rough.  What was it made of?  Paperboard, most likely.

He glanced up and straight into her eyes.  He smiled at her.  Her lips returned that smile, but her eyes remained downcast.  

He addressed her, “I meant it.  I’ll bring him to school with me today.  If that’s okay with you.”

She nodded her head.  “Thank you.”  She glanced at the clock.  “I need to leave for work in fifteen minutes.  I’ll text Minsu to let her know she doesn’t need to take him for me today.”  

She took a bite of her food and then texted her friend.  Then she took another bite and jumped up from the table.  She returned to the kitchen for a few minutes.  When she sat down at the table again, she slid two bags towards Jin.  

“This is Minhyuk’s lunch.  I made you one too.  And,” her eyes twinkled as she looked at her son, “I might have put a special surprise in there!”  She jumped up and bent to kiss her son on the forehead.  “I gotta get changed!  Have a good day, baby!”

Jin reached out and curled his long fingers around her wrist.  “You’ve barely eaten.  Sit down.  Finish your breakfast.”

“I can’t be late,” she whispered.

He tugged her closer to him.  Then he stood up.  He reached up with one gentle hand and cupped her cheek.  His thumb brushed her skin tenderly as his eyes probed hers.  Her stomach was doing funny things.  She didn’t even want to eat now.  She wanted…other things.

“You had some egg on your face,” he murmured.

Was that the truth?  Had she really?

He removed his hand from her cheek and reached down to grab her plate.  He fed her a bite.  

“I’m going to feed you while you get dressed.”

“What?” she huffed.

“These are your options.  Either you sit and eat with us, or I’m going to follow you to your room and feed you bites as you get dressed.”

Who did he think he was?  Her husband?

Her face was turning a delightful shade of rose.  

“How do you get to work?” he asked.

“I take the bus.”

“Not today.  I’ll drive you.  What time do you need to be there?”

“Seven.”

“Excellent.  Then you have time to sit down and eat.”  A flirtatious smile tugged at his lips.  “Unless you’d like me to follow you to your room.”

“Mr. Jin!” she exclaimed and plopped her bottom down onto her chair.  She picked up her chopsticks and began to shovel eggs and rice into her mouth.  

Jin chuckled before reclaiming his own seat.  He noticed that something was poking him in the leg.  He scooted over and glanced down at the chair he was sitting on.  A broken piece of plastic was hanging off the seat.  This chair was headed to a trash bin.  At least, it should have been.

His heart hurt suddenly.  That his precious Yura and her sweet baby boy had to live like this!  That they had lived like this for years now devastated his heart.

“Your parents wouldn’t let you come home?” he whispered suddenly.

Her eyes met his.  She swallowed.  “I never asked them.”

At the horrified expression that swamped his face an instant later, she responded, “You know how much they adored you…”

“You act like they had more love for me than they had for you,” he glanced at Minhyuk, “and their grandson!”

She shrugged her shoulders.  “I don’t know.  I haven’t talked to them since I married Seungbin.”

“What?” Jin’s heart couldn’t take much more.  “Why not?”

“My appa told me that if I wanted to throw my future away on that good-for-nothing boy, then I could deal with my own consequences.”

Jin just stared at her.  “And your eomma?”

“You know she always went along with whatever he said.”

She had.  He remembered.  He had never understood why her appa liked him so much.  Her appa was a hard man.  But Jin had found favor with him from the beginning.

“I cannot believe he’d be happy to know how you’ve suffered,” Jin murmured.

Her lips twisted into a crooked smile.  “We’ll never know, now will we?”

Then she applied herself to eating so she wouldn’t run out of time to change.  She definitely didn’t need Mr. Jin’s help in that department.

—

After dropping Yura at the diner, Jin turned towards Minhyuk, “Are you up for a little field trip before we head to school?”

The small boy’s face split into a wide grin.  “Let’s do it!”

—

Later that day, she received a weird phone call.  From her landlord.  

“Yura, your rent has been paid in full for the next two months, so the charge won’t come out of your bank account.  I wanted to alert you so that you wouldn’t be alarmed when you realized the money was still in your account.”

Shocked, she stared into space.  “What?  What do you mean it’s been paid?”

“Someone gave me a check today to cover it.  Two months’ rent and utilities.”

“Who?”

“I’m not at liberty to say.”

She stared at the wall in front of her.  

Jin.  

It had to be.  There wasn’t anyone else.  Minsu didn’t make enough to pay her own rent and Yura’s.

Jin must have paid her bills.  For two whole months.

But that was only the first strike at her heart.