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Chapter 6: Sweet Breath – September 9 – 10, 2019

Tears began to slip down her face again.  

“Jimin!  You’re making me cry!”

“Why?” he frowned, furrowing his brow.  

He set his guitar back in its case.

“Is it that bad?”

“No!  It’s that beautiful.”  She began to sob.

For a moment, he felt intensely uncomfortable and stood, unmoving and unsure what to do.  But then, he was overcome by her sorrow, and he crossed the room to her bed.  He sat down next to her.

“I’m sorry, Jumi.  I didn’t mean to make you cry.  I wanted to encourage you.”

“You did.  That’s why I’m crying.  That’s the most beautiful gift anyone has ever given me!”  

She turned towards him and threw her arms around him.  Which was quite awkward since they were sitting side by side on her bed.  But Jimin was undaunted.  He slipped his arms around her waist and drew her close to him.  Softly.  He didn’t want to hurt her damaged body.  Then, he simply held her.  For a little while.  But he was uncomfortable, so he was certain she must be.

“Jumi, you can say no, but can we lay down so I can hold you more comfortably?”

She nodded and let go of him.  He laid down and opened his arms to her.  She snuggled into his side as his arm came around her loosely.  His other hand was caressing her forearm where it lay against his chest.  Jimin began to sing his song over her again.  Very quietly.  

He sang the first verse.  Then he stopped and whispered, “I know that your heart has felt like a shriveled-up garden.  But deep within that burnt garden there blooms a rose.  That’s the real you, Jumi.  And no amount of wind, no storm, no fire, no flood can destroy that strong girl.  You are resilient.  You will overcome everything that life has thrown at you.”

She was weeping onto his shirt.  He brushed his lips across her forehead as he bent his head over her.  She felt that tender touch, and something inside of her burst open.  Had anyone ever touched her like that?  Indescribably gently.  Had anyone ever made her feel the way Jimin was right now?

“You are that beautiful rose, Jumi.  My precious one.”

He opened his mouth, and that pleasing melody flowed from it, accompanied by the words he’d penned for her.

“But in its center,

There blooms a rose.

Where did it come from?

Nobody knows.

“But in its soft heart,

There thrives a rose. 

How can it live still?

Somehow it grows.

“Beautiful rose,

Do not give up.

Beautiful rose,

Lift your face up.

“Beautiful rose,

Drink in the rain.

Beautiful rose,

I’ll steal your pain.

“Beautiful rose,

Bask in the sun.

Beautiful rose,

My precious one.”

“Promise me, Jumi.  Promise me you won’t give up.  Promise me you will lift your face up.  Drink in the rain.  I meant it.  I will steal your pain.  Let me, please.”  

His lips brushed her forehead again.  Her pain had been making his heart roil in his chest.  Ever since he’d found her broken on her couch earlier today.  The sight of her had shattered something inside of him.  He could not fathom how anyone could be so cruel to another human being.  Let alone how a father could beat his daughter.  Blacken her eyes.  Break her bones.  Mar her beauty.  

It broke Jimin’s gentle heart, and he began to sob against her hair.  

Jumi stilled.  As his tears fell, hers suddenly dried up.  

What was happening?

Was Jimin crying over her pain?

She lifted her head and watched as tear after tear leaked out from under his eyelids and slid down his face.  His chest was convulsing now too.  Then, a sob broke loose from his lips.  She stared in wonder at him.  

No one had ever cried over her secret pain.  Nobody had ever come to rescue her from her appa.  Not until today.  Not until…Jimin.

She was eighteen years old.  Her appa had been beating her throughout her entire life.  She had learned early that no one cared.  No one came for her.  Nobody listened and intervened.  No one stepped between her and her father to shield her from his wrath.

But, somehow, she had found someone who cared.  Somebody had come for her.  Someone had listened to her silent cries and intervened.  Jimin had stepped between her and her appa.  She had finally found someone who was broken by the things that broke her.

Jimin.

The sweetest name she had ever heard.

But she couldn’t take it.  Somehow, Jimin’s pain hurt her worse than her own pain did.  As though the broken shards of his heart had pierced her own.  And caused them to bleed.  Perhaps their blood was pooling together to make them one heart.  She didn’t know, but she felt closer to him than she had ever felt to anyone.

She reached up and cupped his cheek with her hand.  Her thumb brushed across that soft skin.  Sliding through the tracks of his compassion for her.  The moisture of his broken heart.  

She leaned up on her elbow until her face was hovering near his.  Then she bent and brushed her lips across his cheek.  She remained there, her lips branding him.  

Jimin had ceased to breathe.  Was Jumi kissing him?  

He couldn’t have been more astounded if she’d punched him in the face.  Actually, that would have been more expected than this.  He lay frozen.  Not certain what he should do.  Finally, he simply gave in to that sweet pressure on his cheek.  He closed his eyes and reveled in the touch of those soft lips.

And suddenly remembered how attracted to her he’d been that first day.  Before she’d hit him over the head with her book.

He swallowed.  His heart was pounding in his chest.  He could feel that blood rushing to his limbs. And to his head.  Making him giddy.

But lying in a bed with her was dangerous.  So he didn’t move.  He didn’t respond.  He just enjoyed the feel of her lips against his cheek.  And the flow of her breath across his skin.  And the scent of her.  There it was again.  Lemons.

He could hear her sweet breathing.  The gentle inhalation and exhalation of air that sustained her.  The promise that she’d be here tomorrow morning when he woke up thinking about her.  And remembering tonight.  When his heart had been joined to a girl he’d known for only a week.

––

Eventually, her lips slid off his cheek.  She leaned her forehead against his for a moment before she lay back down to snuggle him.   He wrapped his arm around her again.  

Her heart was thundering in her chest.  She couldn’t believe what she was going to ask him.  But she was terrified of being alone.  Usually, she was fearful of being alone with a man.  But there was something about Jimin that made her heart feel safe.  And tonight, she needed him.

“Jimin, every time I close my eyes, I see him coming at me.  I feel his boot cracking my ribs, his fist in my eye.”  She began to sob. “I can’t close my eyes.  I’m terrified every time I do. I relive the whole scene over again.  I need to keep the light on.  Do you think it’s possible to sleep with your eyes open?

“Before you came into my room, I kept imagining him walking up those stairs and coming in here to beat me some more.  But as soon as you came through the door, light filled my room, and I felt safe.

“Will you, will you stay with me tonight?  Can you just hold me?  I feel safe in your arms.”  A sob escaped her again.

And his arm tightened infinitesimally around her, but it was enough that they both felt it.  She snuggled closer to him.  Then she shivered.  Jimin reached down and pulled the covers up over them both.  

“I’m not going anywhere,” he murmured in her ear.  “I will hold you all night long, and we’ll keep the light on.  I recorded my song in my phone.  I can play it on a loop too.  If you think it will help you sleep.”

“It will, Jimin.  I love your song.”

“The thing is, Jumi, it feels too personal to sing it for our class.  I think I’m going to write another song for class.”

Her heart turned over in her chest.  Was it possible to love him already?  Because she felt like she did.  She wanted to kiss those plump lips of his and draw him even closer to her heart.

“Jimin, it’s up to you.  It’s your song.  No one but you and I would know you wrote it for me.”

“I have another idea, Jumi.  Is it okay if I talk?  If I tell you my thoughts tonight?  Or would you rather try to sleep?”

She shook her head.  “No.  Honestly, Jimin, I’m in so much pain right now that it’s hard to sleep.  Please talk to me.  The timbre of your voice is comforting.  What’s your idea?”

“What if we asked our teacher if we could collaborate on a song?  What if we played your song?  I could write the lyrics and maybe add a bridge or two.  You could play the piano, and I could play the guitar.  And we could alternate singing the lines.”

“Wait.”  She went cold on the inside.  “We have to sing?  In front of the class?”

“Well, she hasn’t yet said that it’s a requirement, but I thought it was expected.”  He could feel her tense.  “What’s wrong?”

“I told you.  I don’t sing for anyone.”

“I hope someday that changes.”

“What do you mean?”

“I hope someday you sing for me.”

He bent his head and ran his nose through her hair.  Her long locks brushed her shoulders.  And were silky soft and straight as a board.  She had no bangs, so her hair softly framed her face when it was hanging down like it was tonight.

“What do you think, Jumi?  If Miss Kwan is okay with it, would you want to write a song with me?”

“I would love to write a song with you.  Especially if we have to sing it in front of the class.  At least, I wouldn’t be alone.”

“You’ll never be alone again, Jumi,” he murmured.

Her hand was resting on his chest.  Did she know that her finger kept tracing a heart pattern over his heart?  It would normally be driving him nuts, but there was something about the sweet brush of that finger tonight that was filling him with delight.

“I like holding you, Jumi.  I…I’ve never been this close to a girl.”

“W-what?”

“It’s true.”

“You’ve never had a girlfriend?”  

She could not believe this.  What about that girl out in the quad the other day?

“Nope.  Not even close.  I don’t think girls notice me,” he muttered self-consciously.

She knew that was not true.

“What about that girl you were talking to before class the other day?  The one that kissed your cheek?”

“A girl kissed my cheek?  Where was I?  Why don’t I remember this?”  Then the light bulb came on.  “Oh!  That was Eunji!  She’s engaged to my best friend’s brother.  We’re just friends.  I have never been remotely interested in her.  Not my type at all.”

“What is your type?” she asked in a tiny voice.

You.

Jumi, you’re my type.

“Tough on the outside.  But soft on the inside.  Resilient.  Brilliant.  Talented.  Beautiful.”  He spoke every adjective he could think of to describe her.  “Fearless.”

Her heart sank.  None of those things sounded like her.  Except maybe the first one.

“I hope you find the one your heart longs for, Jimin.  Someone with all those amazing qualities.”

She had misunderstood him, and his words had hurt her.  He could feel her withdrawing from him.  And he hated it.  He didn’t want her to pull back.  He wanted her to draw near to him.  Like he had drawn near to her.  He was, after all, lying in a bed with her.

“Jumi.  You do realize I’ve never lain in a bed with a girl before, right?  Or held her in my arms.  Or stroked her arm with my finger.  Or buried my face in her hair.  Or written her a song.”

She didn’t say anything.  So Jimin did.

––

“I have found someone with those qualities.  All of them.”

Her heart was sliding further down that sad slope.  “Oh.”  

He could hear the weight of her disappointment in that tiny puff of air escaping her lips.

“It’s you, Jumi.  You’re the girl I was describing.”

“What?”  Her heart started to pound.  “I am?”

She couldn’t wrap her mind around it.   Jimin thought she was resilient?  Brilliant?  Fearless?  Talented?  Beautiful? 

“But I’m not brilliant.  Or talented.  Or fearless.  Or beautiful.”  

She knew she wasn’t beautiful. 

“Jumi, that’s just not true.  You are beautiful.  So beautiful.”

“You-you don’t think I’m fat?”  She knew she was overweight. 

Surprised, he quirked his eyebrows.  “No.  You’re not fat, Jumi.  What on earth makes you think you’re fat?”

She buried her face in his chest.  Could she hide from him?  Would the bed do her a favor and swallow her whole right now?

“I gained weight.  On purpose.”

“I don’t understand.”

“To protect myself.”

Jimin just stared down at her.  He had no idea what she was talking about.

“How could you protect yourself by gaining weight?”

“To protect myself from boys.  So they wouldn’t notice me.  Or ask me out.”

“What?  Why?”  He drew his eyebrows together as he squinted down at the top of her head.

She buried her nose in his chest and spoke to his shirt.  “I had a boyfriend once.  He wasn’t very nice to me.  He pressured me to do stuff with him.   The last time I refused, he slapped me in the face.  I guess – I guess he hit me just right.  Because he broke my nose.  I’m sure you’ve noticed that my nose is crooked.  I used to look okay.  But I know I’m ugly now.”  A little sob shook her.

“Jumi, you’re not ugly,” Jimin spoke in a soft voice.  “You mean, because your nose isn’t straight?”

She nodded as she wept into his shirt.  He was getting wet.

“Jumi, I think your nose gives your face character.  It’s not unpleasing.  You really are a beautiful girl.  I noticed that first day in class.  I was – I was instantly attracted to you.”

She lifted her head in shock.  “What?  You were?”

He nodded.  “But then you bashed me over the head with your book.”  His lips twisted wryly.

She flushed as she remembered how attracted she’d been to him that day too.  “I thought you were cute,” she admitted.

He quirked one dark eyebrow as a smile spread slowly across his face.  “You did?”

“Yeah.  But then you made me mad.  Well, I mean, I got mad at you.  When I thought you were trying to look up my skirt.”

He chuckled ruefully.  “I remember.  So does my forehead.”  

He rubbed it as he recalled the pain that had exploded throughout his head as her book had come into hard contact with it.

“I’m sorry, Jimin.  I’m sorry I took my fear out on you.”

“It’s okay. You had good reason to be afraid.  I mean, all you’ve suffered has taught you to fear men.  I get it.  But I’m – I’m not like that, Jumi.  I would never raise my hand to you.  Or try to force you to do something you don’t want to do.”

“I know that, Jimin.  Don’t you think I know that now?” she whispered.

He quirked the corners of his lips.  “I hope so.”

“I do,” she asserted.  “You’re sweet.  You’re gentle. I don’t believe you could hurt me.  But you are the first man I’ve ever felt that way about.  And that I’ve felt safe around.”

He didn’t know what else to say, so he fell silent.  She yawned and rested her cheek against his chest.  He watched her eyes flutter shut.  A few moments later, her breathing deepened.  And he was happy to realize that she’d fallen asleep.  Snuggled against him.

––

“Jimin, want to work on writing our song together?”

“What if Miss Kwan won’t accept it?”

Jumi shrugged.  “Let’s do it anyway.”

They were eating breakfast together.  And Jimin could feel the shift that had occurred between them last night.  What was it about sharing the same air with someone while you both slept?  Their level of intimacy had increased ten-fold, yet they hadn’t done anything.  They hadn’t even kissed.  He’d just held her in his arms.  And surrounded her with his comforting presence.

But it was more than that.  They had also bared their souls to each other last night as they lay snuggled together.  She’d opened her heart and revealed some very painful things to him.  And they had both admitted their true feelings to each other.

Now, he smiled at her.  Then, slowly, so as not to startle her, he lifted his hand and tenderly brushed a lock of hair behind her ear.  She glanced up in surprise, but there was, thankfully, no fear on her face.

“I’d like that,” Jimin responded.  “Are you going to come to school with me today?”

She nodded.  “I’ll wear my sunglasses.  And walk slowly.”  Her ribs still ached.

“I have a break from noon to two.  Want to meet in the piano room then?”

Jumi nodded.  “All my classes are done by noon.”

“Perfect.”  

Jimin had to resist the very strong urge to lean over and kiss her lips.  He almost did it without even thinking about it.

—

“I know the inspiration for our song,” Jimin asserted as he opened the door to the piano room and encouraged her to slip into the room ahead of him.

She turned back towards him.  “What?”

“Your name.”

“What?”  

Why were her eyes filling with tears?  He hadn’t even said anything yet.

“I looked up the meaning of your name today.  Did you know that it means Beautiful Jewel or Beautiful Pearl?”

She shook her head, and one of those stubborn tears slid down her cheek.

Jimin saw it and reached up to tenderly brush it away.  He leaned towards her.  “You are not just my beautiful rose.  You’re my beautiful gem too.”

More tears leaked out to plummet to their deaths.  

Jimin stepped even closer to her.  Until he was standing directly in front of her.  Not even an inch between their chests.  He moved until his cheek was resting against hers.  

Then he breathed into her ear, melting every single fiber of her soul, “I mean it, Jumi.  You are my beautiful pearl.  You are so beautiful.  So beautiful.  So beautiful.”

Each word liberated another tear, and they flowed unimpeded by embarrassment or bitterness. Jimin had broken through her walls last night.  She felt like putty in his hands today.  His words were undoing her.  

So was the brush of his cheek against hers.  And the sweet breeze of his breath flowing over her ear.  Then, suddenly, his hand slipped around her waist to press against her lower back.  Gently, he drew her closer.

He swallowed.  Then he turned his face towards her.  The bridge of his nose brushed against hers.  

“I…I love you, Jumi,” he breathed the words over her lips.  His breath tickling her skin and awakening so many gentle emotions in her soul.

She began to weep again.  He pulled her closer, and she pillowed her head against his chest.

“No one’s ever said that to me before,” she whispered a while later.

“Not even your eomma?” he whispered, horrified. 

Jimin could not imagine never having heard anyone say, “I love you,” to him.  He could not imagine an existence without those precious words.  He told his friends often that he loved them.  

But something was different with Jumi.  His feelings went deeper.  And flowed wider.  They grew taller.  And they swam longer.  He felt like there was no end to his love for her.  He was even willing to face her appa, if it came down to that.  

What so drew Jimin to her?  Was it the aching vulnerability that had lain hidden beneath her brittle façade until he had gently unearthed it last night?  Was it her deep and unspoken need for his affection?  Or the knowledge that she had been horribly abused her whole life?  Something had made his heart susceptible to hers.

Jimin now wanted to wrap himself around her and become her shield.  To shelter her with his presence until his peace overwhelmed her, and she could finally rest.  Free from fear.

“I don’t really remember my eomma,” she whispered.  “She disappeared when I was five years old.”

“What?” Jimin gasped, aghast.  “What do you mean, she disappeared?”

“I don’t really know.  I just remember that one day she was there, and the next, she was gone.  And she never came back.  My appa told me that she left us.”

Jimin buried his face in the crook of her neck, and a sob escaped him a few moments later.  “No, no.”  He shook his head.  “Jumi, what pain have you not endured?”  His voice was breaking.

“It’s all right, Jimin.”

“No,” responded that gentle soul.  “None of this is all right.  You should have had a mother.  You should have been told you were loved.  Repeatedly.  You should have had an appa who used his strong arms to shelter you and his big feet to carry you borne on his shoulders.  You should have been so loved, Jumi.  I’m so sorry that you weren’t.  It breaks my heart.”  

His lips found her forehead again.  He brushed kisses from one side to the other.  “I love you, Jumi.”  

Then he kissed her cheek.  Again, he whispered, “I love you.”  

Then he buried his face in the crook of her shoulder again and simply breathed on her for a little while. 

“I’m here, Jumi.  I’m not going anywhere.”

“I believe you, Jimin.  Thank you.”  

She gazed up at him.  At that gorgeous face and those magnificent eyes.  Those speaking eyes.  They were saying so much more today than they had the morning they first met.