Chapter 9: Me, Myself, and Ice Cream – May 24 – June 13, 2021
Tae awoke a few minutes later. As she was turned away from him blowing her nose as quietly as possible. She’d spent her tears and wiped her face free of them. She didn’t want Tae to see her sorrow.
She wasn’t sure why he was here. But she was so happy to see him. She tossed her Kleenex into the trash and turned towards him. He surprised her when she glanced over to see him looking at her.
“Hi,” she whispered shyly.
“Hi, yourself,” he returned her greeting. A smile crinkled the corners of his eyes. “Are you hungry?”
She grimaced. “I’m ravenous, but only sugar makes my belly happy these days. Hopefully, Eomma made some rice. It’s doubtful that she made hotteok.”
He grinned suddenly. “Would ice cream do the trick?”
Her eyes lit up. “It would if I had any. But I don’t think we’ve got any in the freezer,” she mumbled.
“Hmm. Let me see about that,” he murmured. “I’ll be right back.”
He headed for her kitchen. He pulled two spoons from a drawer and the ice cream from the freezer. Then he traveled back to her room. He stepped through her doorway a moment later with a container of turtle ice cream in his hand. He swung her door shut with his foot and headed for her bed. He settled down next to her, sitting back to lean up against the wall. She leaned back against it too and glanced at the ice cream in his hand.
“What’s that?”
“Oh. This?” he asked with a smile. “Just a little something I picked up for you this afternoon.”
Her expression melted. “You – you bought that for me?”
“Mmhmm,” he bobbed his head slowly up then down.
“Why?” she whispered.
Something in her voice broke his heart. He glanced at her sharply.
“Because I thought you’d like it. And I figured you might be feeling bad. I was hoping to make you feel better.”
Her eyes filled with tears. She didn’t want him to see them though. So she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. Then she reached up and brushed the tears away as they escaped through her eyelashes. She was trying to hide the evidence of her pain, but Tae had noticed the moisture leaking from her eyes before she’d brushed it away.
“Tae,” she whispered huskily, “you are so nice to me.” She sniffed then glanced at him. “Thank you. I could really use a friend right now.”
A friend.
Not a boyfriend. Not a husband. A friend.
He sighed. Here he was. Her friendly friend. At her service.
He held up a spoon. Then he handed it to her. And he opened the carton of ice cream.
“What?” She glanced down at it while a smile tugged at her lips. “No bowls?”
“Nah. Who needs bowls when you and I can share the carton?”
“I’m not sure I should polish off an entire quart of ice cream by myself.”
“You’re not. I’ll help you. Besides, Yuni said you’re getting sick in the mornings. You need to eat up tonight. After all, you are feeding an extra person, you know.”
He glanced down at her tummy. Which chose that precise moment to be heard. Her hand flew to her stomach as it rumbled loudly.
“I guess I am pretty hungry,” she mumbled.
“Dig in,” Tae held the carton out to her.
She scooped up some of the vanilla ice cream and shoveled it into her mouth. Her tongue came into contact with the hot fudge and caramel ribbons swirled throughout it, and she grinned.
“How did you know my favorite kind of ice cream?”
“It’s always been your favorite,” he murmured absently.
She glanced at him sharply out of the corner of her eye. “And you remembered?”
“You give me too much credit,” he mumbled over a second bite of ice cream. “It would have been hard to forget. We have the same favorite.”
“Still. I’m impressed. But, Tae, it hasn’t always been my favorite. I didn’t like hot fudge until you introduced me to it.” She sighed over those chocolate eyes again, then she took another bite of the luscious treat. “Thanks, Tae, for being so sweet to me.”
He smiled at her. “Anytime, Yun. Anytime.”
His eyes connected with hers, and she felt a zing. But she packed it away in that old box. The days of her and Tae sharing butterflies were long gone.
—
The next afternoon when she returned home after two exams, she blessed Tae as she unearthed that carton of ice cream from the freezer. They had not eaten it all last night. Not even close. A fact for which she was supremely grateful this afternoon. She helped herself to a big bowl and then went to bed. She slept the remainder of the afternoon and half the evening away again.
She awoke to Tae sitting on her bed once more.
She rolled over onto her back and gazed up at him. Then she smiled.
“Hi.” Again, she felt sheepish. Why?
A smile quirked his lips. “Hello.”
“Whatcha doing?”
“Watching you sleep,” he murmured as his eyes caressed hers.
His eyes caressed hers? Surely, she was imagining things again. She failed to speak.
“I brought you another treat. Just a few minutes ago. So, hopefully, they’re the perfect temperature now.”
He held a bag out to her. She opened it up and inhaled the delightful scent of cinnamon and brown sugar. He was rewarded a moment later when her entire face lit up.
“Hotteok?!!!!” She threw herself at him. “Oh, Tae! I love you! Thank you so much! I’ve been craving these for days!”
“Actually, the thanks goes to my nanny. She made them for you.”
She pulled back and gazed up into his eyes. “Your nanny made these for me?”
He nodded.
“But…why?” She glanced down at the bag doubtfully.
And Tae recalled the conversations he’d had with his old nanny over the past few weeks.
“You love her, son, don’t you? Even though she slept with another man?”
“It was my fault,” he had admitted on a sob. “I broke up with her. I broke her heart. I practically threw her at him. And he was just looking to use her. Jungkook warned me. But I didn’t listen.
“Why didn’t I listen?” his voice had cracked.
“Taehyung, it is not your fault that girl slept with him. She made her own choice.”
“But I broke her heart. And there’s this thing in her. She reacts perversely sometimes to things. Like she has to punish herself.” Tae had continued to weep. “She doesn’t realize how precious she is. That she deserves all the good life can throw at her. I just want to show her how precious she is.”
“You can easily do that, son.”
He’d glanced up at her with tears still falling from his eyes. “I can?”
“Mmhmm. Pregnant girls are an easy mark.”
Puzzled, he’d furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”
“Food. She’s probably feeling lousy. Take her something sweet. She’ll open her heart to you then.”
And when he’d returned last night and told her that Yun had mentioned hotteok, his wonderful nanny had volunteered to make her some. Since he’d anticipated that Yun would sleep the afternoon away, he’d come over later in the evening. Bearing his nanny’s fresh hotteok.
“She just wanted to do something nice for you, Yun,” he murmured now as she reached into the bag and withdrew a warm hotteok.
He watched with pleasure as she bit into it and closed her eyes in delight. She chewed it slowly. And moaned.
“Tell her thank you, Tae. It’s wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.”
—
Tae continued to bring Yun sweet treats over the next few weeks. He also helped her study for her finals. He would quiz her as she lay in bed. She’d rest with her eyes closed while he pelted her with questions and checked her answers for accuracy. She wasn’t sure what she would have done – how she would have survived her last weeks of school – without his help. The boy was beautiful.
Every day, he came over after he finished work. He always brought her food. Her favorite cookies. Ice cream. Hotteok. Chicken and rice. Japchae. He knew glass noodles were her weakness right now. He’d eat the bulgogi and leave her all the noodles. She wanted to kiss him, he was so sweet. And he must have spent a fortune on her over that month that rolled May into June.
He also spent all day long with her on Saturdays and Sundays. He’d let her sleep in and then bring her breakfast. Usually hotteok. Sometimes, a different pastry from the shop near her home. Thanks to him, she was saved from becoming painfully thin.
One Friday night in the middle of June, he was lying on her bed with her. They were both staring up at her ceiling while they talked. Tae had fought off a particular impulse several times. But a sudden hint of vulnerability in her voice caused him to finally give in to it.
“Tae?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you think I’ll be a good eomma?”
That impulse struck again with such strength that he followed it all the way across the distance that separated him from Yun. He shifted his hand until its edge bumped into hers. Then his fingers crept up over hers until he’d laced his with hers.
“Undoubtedly, you will be the absolute best of eommas, Yun!” he spoke with complete confidence.
“What makes you think so?”
“Because you’re compassionate. And sweet.”
She turned her head to look at him in the semidarkness of her room. She’d left only a tiny nightlight on across the room. It was printing his face with odd shadows right now. One of his eyes seemed to be glowing at her; the other was hidden in obscurity. The very tip of his nose was highlighted as was the corner of his mouth opposite his visible eye.
He looked like the strangest of creatures. But she could detect the real Tae even piecemeal. She wanted to roll towards him and cling to him. To confess her love for him. And beg his forgiveness. But she did not. Instead, she lay silent as her eyes traced his odd features in that twilight world.
He squeezed her hand. “Shall I head home so you can sleep?”
Her face grew sheepish. “I don’t like to be alone. Would you…would you stay here, holding my hand, until I fall asleep? Then you can slip out.”
He nodded. He had no wish to leave her at all. “Okay,” he whispered roughly. “Sleep tight, Yun.”
He squeezed her hand again as she turned her head towards the ceiling and closed her eyes. She fell asleep to that reassuring grip.
She awoke to it too. The next morning. And rolled towards him before opening her eyes. She gasped as her eyes traced his lovely jawline. She’d spent the whole night sleeping with Tae!
A flood of tenderness rushed through her as her gaze slid over his handsome face. How she wished she could wake up to this beautiful face every single day! To be held in his eternal affection and esteem. To have found a permanent place in his heart. And in his home.
She sighed. That was no longer her destiny. If it ever had been. Tae was lost to her. He was simply her good friend now.
She smiled.
What a good friend he was too!
She had no idea how she would have been prepared for her upcoming final exams if Tae hadn’t been helping her the last few weeks. Or how she would have finished her papers. They had spent hours together as she recited and he typed her essays for class. The man was a gem.
A gem who would one day fall in love with someone else and fade from her life. Of course, by that time, she’d be too busy raising a baby alone to notice. But she’d have these sweet memories to solace her then. These special moments alone with Tae.
His feeding her his glass noodles with his own chopsticks. Or breaking a hot hotteok into pieces with his fingers before they carried the morsels to her mouth. Or shoveling a spoonful of their favorite ice cream between her lips with his own spoon because he felt like she wasn’t eating enough. Or holding her hand when she shared her fear with him. Now, of passing a night in the same bed with him as they shared each other’s breath. Was she the only one who would feel this increase in the depth of their intimacy today?
She lay studying his chiseled face until she felt the bile rising again. She hated the morning. She really disliked puking. But she had learned that if she’d just get it over with, she’d feel fine. So she rolled over, jumped from bed, and ran to the toilet. She had just finished and was brushing her teeth when her eomma appeared in the doorway.
“I see Tae stayed over last night.”
There was no condemnation in her tone. Just curiosity. Well, maybe something more. Her eomma was hovering. Worried about her baby. Which was ironic. Since the baby was inside Yunseong now.
She spat out her toothpaste. “We’re just friends, Eomma. Tae would never try anything. He has too much respect for me.”
“Still. I’d hate for you to tempt fate too far, dear.”
Yunseong sighed. “It’s not like I can get any more pregnant than I already am, Eomma.”
“No,” her mother paused, “but I don’t want to see you breaking your heart over that boy any more than you already have. Just…please, be careful.” Then her eomma bent to kiss her forehead before she wandered down the hallway.
Yunseong felt a wave of despair crash over her. For her eomma had just highlighted a truth. Yunseong was so in love with Tae that if he had rolled towards her in the night, reached for her, and begun kissing her, she would have given herself to him willingly. And she would have believed that he deserved whatever he wanted to take from her. After all, he had been her hero for the past few weeks.
Her heart was in a precarious place. She was even more in love with him now than she had been last summer. She also felt like she owed him the whole world. Had he asked, she knew she would have been able to deny him nothing.
As she slipped back into her room, his eyes fluttered open. Then they grew wide, and he sat up abruptly. He stretched as he yawned hugely and looked around her room. “I fell asleep in your bed?” he asked.
She nodded.
He winced. “Does your eomma know?”
Another nod.
He lay down and pulled a pillow over his face.
“Tae, you’re hardly the one who needs to be embarrassed. You do understand how I got pregnant, right?” she asked, dryly.
“Yes,” he exclaimed into the pillow,” but I don’t want your eomma to think I would ever do such a thing to you! Or exploit the fact that you can’t get pregnant right now!”
He was turning crimson, he just knew it. Of course, Yun couldn’t see his face. Which was a good thing. He’d just hide under this pillow until his embarrassment faded. No amount of blank face would save him if his skin was turning beet red.
But a moment later, two strong hands tugged the pillow from his grasp, and he lay staring up at Yun as his ears turned scarlet.
“Tae,” she chuckled affectionately, “are you blushing?”
“I don’t want your eomma to think I’m taking advantage of you…”
She sobered instantly. “She doesn’t.”
“I would never touch you, Yun!”
Ouch. Why did that sting so much?
“I know, Tae. I told Eomma you have no interest in me whatsoever. It’s fine. Don’t sweat it.”
He stared at her. How could she believe he had no interest in her? Was she blind? Insensate?
He swallowed. “Should I leave?” He glanced towards the door. “I don’t want to run into your appa now either.” He peered up at her. “Do you think he’ll kill me?”
“Hmm. Maybe you should marry me now to avoid the death penalty.”
“Okay.” He sat up. And gazed at her out of those intense, chocolate eyes of his.
She giggled. “So you’re willing to marry me to avoid a sword fight?”
She had a sudden absurd vision of her appa and Tae dueling with long swords. And Tae being running through. As he died in her arms, she confessed her undying love for him. And swore she’d name her baby after him. In her quite vivid imagination, he looked amazing in that hwarang garb. Even covered in blood. Finally, she lowered her face and kissed his lips as they took their last breath.
“Yun?” Tae waved his hand in front of her face. “Where’d you go?”
“Don’t die, Tae!” she shouted suddenly.
He furrowed his ebony eyebrows. “What?” he asked, confused. “I hardly think your appa is going to strangle me just because I slept on top of your bed last night.”
“Don’t be so sure, young man,” her father spoke from the doorway as he stopped outside her door.
Tae jumped off the bed and bowed to the older man. “I am s-so s-sorry, s-sir!” he exclaimed. “We both fell asleep. That’s all we did. I swear it!”
Her appa’s gaze flitted from one to another. “All right, but if I catch you sleeping in my daughter’s bed again, you’ll be the one marrying her and raising her baby as your own. Do you hear me?”
So Tae began to plot. This was an interesting turn of events which he quite possibly could make the most of. But then Yun rebuked her appa.
“Don’t threaten Tae! He was just being sweet. Holding my hand while I fell asleep. The last thing he needs is to be stuck with a girl like me!”
Her appa frowned. So did Tae.
“Yun. What does that mean?” the older gentleman asked.
“You know exactly what it means!” she gasped as she burst into tears.
Her father looked quite dismayed. He glanced at Tae, who was also upset by her outburst.
“I’ll take care of her, sir,” he whispered.
Her appa nodded his head and disappeared.
“Yun. You know that any guy would be blessed to marry you, don’t you?” Tae informed her quietly.
“Tae, you are an absolute darling, but we both know that just isn’t true. Any guy that married me would become an instant appa. To a child who didn’t belong to him. I’m sure there’s loads of guys who would sign up for that job,” she murmured sarcastically.
“I would,” he admitted flatly.
Her expression melted as her eyes met his. “And that, Tae, is what makes you my absolute best friend. I think you’ve beat even Yuni out now. But, of course, I could never do such a thing to you! You deserve a girl whom you adore as much as she adores you. One of these days you’re going to have a grand love story, and I’ll have the privilege of watching it unfold. And wishing you well as you live out the fairy tale we all want.” She sighed, then she announced, “I’m starving! Let’s go find some breakfast.”
So Tae’s reply went unspoken.
But his heart was aching. Yun had no idea how precious she was. Had Seonghan eroded all of her self-worth by taking what she willingly gave him and then abandoning her when the inevitable happened?
And was there any way that Tae could rectify this situation? Was there anything he could do that would open her eyes to her true worth?
—
The next day was punctuated by a new joy. He texted her early on Sunday morning.
“Yun, are you up?”
She had just finished puking into the toilet. She responded in the affirmative.
“I’m bringing hotteok. I’ll be there soon!” had been his reply.
But he’d also brought news with him. He handed her the bag of hotteok and got right to the point.
“Eunji is in labor! Namjoon is a wreck. He was running around the house trying to get things together. She told him to calm down. But I can tell he’s nervous.” Tae shrugged. “I don’t know why. She’s healthy. The baby is fine. I imagine by the end of the day I’m going to be an uncle!”
Yun studied his face for signs of his great love for Eunji. But the baby and Namjoon were really all he talked about for the next hour. He was clearly excited to be welcoming a tiny baby into the world.
It was the sweetest thing, really. That he was overjoyed that the girl he’d once loved was about to deliver his own brother’s baby. It made Yun wonder how he would react when she delivered her baby.
Several hours later, he updated her. “I’m going to head to the hospital. Namjoon thinks she’s going to deliver within the next hour or so. Want to go with me?”
She debated. Did she really want to see him in the same room with the girl who had driven them apart?
But as her eyes studied his jubilant face, she knew he’d be disappointed if she didn’t go. And she just couldn’t steal any of his happiness from this moment. Tae had done so much for her. She owed him this show of support.
“Sure,” she breathed.
Then they headed for his car.
—
“Joon,” Eunji smiled up at him as she cradled their newborn in her arms. “What do you think of our darling, little boy?”
“I think he’s just perfect,” he murmured.
“Did you name him Taehyung after your favorite person?” Tae queried from the doorway.
He and Yun stepped into the room.
“Actually,” Namjoon announced, “we did.”
Tae’s eyes filled with tears as a cloak of vulnerability spread across his face. And Yun was grateful that she had come. She wouldn’t have wanted to miss this moment for the whole world.
“You named my nephew Taehyung?” Tae breathed in astonishment.
A sweet smile curved Eunji’s face. “We did,” she beamed at him. “You hold a special place in both our hearts as our little brother.”
Tae laughed. “But I’m older than you!”
“Shhhh. Don’t give me away,” Eunji grinned at him. “But I am one with Namjoon now, and he outnumbers you by two years.”
Tae sighed with happiness. “Can I hold him?”
His face was precious. Yun studied it as he gazed down at his tiny nephew in awe. So this was what Tae looked like when he was in love. She felt herself getting choked up.
“Hi, Yun,” Eunji greeted her. “Thanks for coming to see our new addition.”
“He’s beautiful,” Yun breathed as she watched Tae pull his nephew into his arms.
Tears filled her eyes as she observed the tenderness with which he held the tiny child. He would make the most wonderful of appas. His love of the baby was evident. In the curve of the arms cradling him. In the curve of the smile on Tae’s countenance. In the light in his eyes as they shone down upon the face of a newborn baby boy.
Tae was smitten. So was Yun. The baby was beautiful. But not half as lovely as the man holding him. That sweet spirit was the one she had fallen in love with on a pier two years ago. She had known the first moment their eyes met that she had found the one her heart wanted. A heartbroken boy.
She closed her eyes against the pain.
If only.
If only she had resisted the temptation Seonghan had offered her.
Suddenly, she was sitting at that table with him the first time he’d run his fingers down hers. Next, she was in his arms again, laughing up at his smiling face. Then she was lying in his bed between the sheets with him, their bodies entangled. The echoes were always there. Memories she couldn’t escape from. No matter how hard she tried.
And she knew she would never deserve Tae again. No matter what she did for the rest of her life, she would never be able to earn the pure love that had once been hers. Before she’d sought out a distraction.
She was going to lose it. Right here in front of Tae’s brother and the girl he’d loved his whole life. Yunseong had to get out of here. Before the dam burst.
She pulled her phone from her pocket. “Oh! I need to take this phone call!” she lied before she spun on her heel and practically ran out the door and all the way down the hall. She burst through the sliding doors out into the bright June sun.
She didn’t stop running until she was a block from the hospital. She found a tree along the sidewalk and sat down to lean against it. And she burst into tears. Once again, mourning all she had lost.
