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Chapter 1: Scarred – November 15 – December 12, 2020

Tae glanced over at Yunseong.  She had her game face on.  She was currently decimating him at MIRᴙOR.  He pondered how to distract her.  He inched closer to her.  And while he was plotting, his character crashed and burned again.

She glanced at him and grinned.  That’s when he slipped his arm around her and pulled her close.  Or at least, he tried to.

“Tae!  You’re cheating!  Again!”

His face went absolutely blank.  “Who?  Me?  No.  I’m not cheating.  Can you blame a guy for wanting to kiss his beautiful girlfriend?”

“Look, buddy, flattery will get you nowhere.  All that matters right now is that I become as beautiful as the paragon in this game.  And you know that every time you distract me from peering into the looking glass, I lose sight of him, and fall back another level.  So put your compliments and your roaming hands away.  And let me concentrate!”

“Roaming hands!  My hands have never roamed on your person!  I know very well your appa would mar me beyond recognition if they did.”

“Yeah.  Well, you also know he said no kissing in my bedroom either.  But, still, here you are trying to make a move on me.”

“Hey!  I’m being maligned!  I was just trying to give you a hug!”

She bent a steely gaze on him.  “Kim Tae Hyung!  Stop acting so innocent.  I’m your girlfriend!  I know how much you enjoy kissing me!”  

But she couldn’t stop her smile from lighting up the room as she reveled in that truth.  She had finally captured Tae’s precious heart.

“You know you enjoy it every bit as much as I do!” he retorted.

Their eyes met.

She cleared her throat.  “Tae…”

“Hmm?” He quirked a dark eyebrow at her.

“Wanna go for a walk?”

Now a grin stretched across his tan face.  “Absolutely.”

Beating her at MIRᴙOR would have to wait another day.  Some things in life were even better than video games.  A pair of luscious lips, for instance…

—

 “Hobi, are you happy you’re moving back to Busan?” Heejin asked him as he concentrated on the traffic before them.

Actually, he was nervous.  Would he run into Minsu?  Just because he was dating Heejin didn’t mean that he didn’t think of Minsu sometimes.  Too many times.  He was trying to burn her out of his soul with another girl’s kisses.  Was it fair to Heejin?  

He’d been honest with her when she’d asked him out.  He’d told her that he was still recovering from a broken heart.  One night, Heejin had run her fingers through his hair and kissed his lips gently.  

“I cannot fathom how that girl could see you only as her brother.  She must have been blind.”

Perhaps.

But his heart still longed for her.

“Hmm,” was his only response.

He was afraid his feelings were bleeding into his eyes right now.

“You’re thinking of her, aren’t you?  You’re afraid you’re going to run into her in Busan.”

“How do you do that?  Always read my mind?  It freaks me out.”

“Why? Because I know you’re still in love with another girl?  Yet I give you my kisses anyway?”

“Why do you?” He glanced at her.

“Because you’re adorable, Hobi, and like you, I’m putting my faith in a happy ending.  I too am hoping that one day you’ll wake up to me as you are praying she’ll wake up to you.  One of us is bound to have a broken heart, but what can I do?”  She sighed.  “I’ve been a goner since the night you did that stupid dance in the middle of the bowling alley.  Really!  I can’t believe that all the girls in that place didn’t fall madly in love with you that night.”

She glanced at him.  “You’re fearless, you know that, right?”

Startled, he looked at her again.  “What?”

“You have no fear of other people’s judgment.  You’re comfortable acting like a complete dork in front of the whole world.  You carry this confidence that they’ll love you in spite of your bizarre behavior.  Or maybe because of it?”

Except for one person.  She still didn’t love him.  Not the way he wanted.

“Anyway, fearlessness is extremely attractive.  So.  I will keep giving you my kisses until you push me away.”

Hobi stared out the windshield.  He couldn’t even say that he didn’t understand her motivation.  Because he did.  Had Minsu been receptive to his kisses, he would have given them to her, even knowing she loved another.  He’d been dating Heejin for a month now.  Hanging out with her.  In the hope that his heart would change.  That it would give up on Minsu and turn her way instead.

But so far…it wasn’t working.

—

“Jimin, I’m nervous,” Jumi admitted as she wiped her hands on her pants.

Class was beginning in a few minutes, and they were going to sing their new song together while she played the piano and he strummed his guitar.  This had become a habit. Ever since they’d sung Beautiful Pearl together for their music theory class a year ago.  Jimin had often collaborated with her on a song.  But this was only the second time they’d had to perform one of them in front of a class.  Half her semester grade rested on today’s performance.  However, that wasn’t the reason for her nerves.  She was afraid of singing in front of the class.

Jimin wanted to kiss her lips to rob her of her fear.  But…they still hadn’t crossed that line yet.  So after assuring her that she would shine brightly and sing beautifully, he sought to distract her by asking her something he’d intended to for some time.

“Hey, Tae’s brother is getting married in three weeks.  Would you…would you go to the wedding and reception with me?”

She’d thought she was having trouble breathing before, but now it seemed Jimin had opened his mouth to invite her and decided to breathe in all the air himself.  As she gazed at his apprehensive face, she thought perhaps he had.  He seemed to be holding his breath.

His nervousness made her heart melt.  “I’d love to, Jimin.”  Then she frowned.  “But I don’t have anything to wear.  I left every dress I own at Appa’s apartment.”

“Then we’ll just have to go shopping.”

Her face fell.  “You know I don’t have the funds to buy new clothes, Jimin.  I’m constantly doing laundry as it is, still surviving off the outfits you packed up the day you rescued me plus the few things I’ve bought since.”

“Jimin rescued you?” Breathed Aeji in her ear.  “Oooh-oooh.  How have I never heard this story?”

Because it’s none of your business.

But Jimin didn’t say that.  Instead, he made up an elaborate and hysterical lie.

“Oh, yeah.  We didn’t tell you?  Last week, we were getting some food at a food truck.  You know that one that’s always up on the corner near the quad?  Ain’t Yo Eomma’s Kimchi?  Well, I think they forgot to set the brake or something because one moment we were standing in line near the counter waiting to order our lunch, and the next thing we knew, the food truck was barreling towards us.  I grabbed Jumi’s hand and pulled her to safety.”  

Jimin grimaced.  “Unfortunately, we never discovered if their kimchi really is different from my eomma’s.”  He shook his head.  “Such a shame.  I think my stomach suffered such disappointed hopes that day that I’m still hungry.”  As though to prove his point and perfectly on cue, his stomach let out a loud rumble.

Jumi couldn’t take it anymore.  She burst out laughing. 

“Eh.  You’re not missing much.  It definitely isn’t my eomma’s kimchi.  At best their food is paltry,” responded Aeji.

Jimin slid Jumi a sideways glance, and she stifled another giggle.

Just then, the bell rang, and Aeji ran for the auditorium.  

Jumi smiled at Jimin.  He stepped closer to her and bent to whisper in her ear.  

“Don’t worry about the dress.  I’ll buy you one.  My treat.  I want you to be my date.”  He stepped away, but his eyes were still smiling at her.

She gazed up at him and swallowed.  Jimin wanted her to be his date?

Why was her heart racing now?

He reached for her hand and pulled her towards class.  He had accomplished his goal.  He’d distracted her from the task at hand.  She’d completely forgotten they were about to perform until they entered the auditorium.

But even now, she was distracted by the warm hand holding hers.  She glanced down at it while blood rushed into her ears.  The truth was that she was madly in love with Jimin.  

But.

They were just friends.  They slept down the hall from one another each night.  She was still living with him and his grandma. And she didn’t see how that was going to change anytime soon.  Jumi had no money for clothes.  Let alone for an apartment.  And she had nowhere else to go.  Lovely Jimin and his wonderful grandmother were the only reason she’d escaped from her appa’s beatings.

She was pretty sure Jimin was in love with her too, but they had never crossed that line.  They’d declared their love for each other.  Over a year ago.  They’d held each other.  Often.  They’d even slept in the same bed.  Periodically.  But they had never done anything that would have set them apart as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Truthfully, she was a little scared to.  She knew that guys often wanted more out of a relationship than girls did.  She wasn’t ready for any big steps.  She’d always wanted to wait until she married to become terribly intimate with a guy.  She didn’t want to risk her heart on someone, only to have him decide he was tired of her.  Or to find out too late that he wasn’t the paragon of chivalry she’d first believed him to be.

She believed better things of Jimin.  Still.  He was a guy.  Wouldn’t he want her?

So now she had another reason to be nervous.  

She and Jimin were the best of friends, and she simply adored him.  She also felt that she could tell him most things.  But this was the one area she still felt sheepish about.  Was there a way she could bring it up casually?  Perhaps by discussing someone else’s circumstances?  

Until she cleared the air with Jimin, she was going to feel tied in knots.

Suddenly, he squeezed her hand.  She glanced up at him.

“You’re going to do great.  Just…just sing for me.”  He glanced out at the class.  “And don’t worry about anyone else.”

As she gazed up into his mesmerizing, chocolate eyes, she acknowledged that she would have no trouble at all singing for him.  She would have done anything for Jimin.  She was still overwhelmed by all he had done for her.

When he hadn’t even liked her, he’d come for her.  Sought her out to discover why she’d missed class.  Found her bruised and broken on her couch after she’d survived yet another beating from her appa.  Insisted that she come home with him.  Packed a bag for her and taken her hand to lead her out of the darkness into the light.

That alone would have been enough to make her fall for a guy she’d initially believed was her enemy.  A predator, even.  But Jimin hadn’t stopped there.

When her heart had been breaking, he had comforted her.  When she’d been terrified and trapped inside the trauma of her soul, he had turned on the lights and held her in his arms until her head had stopped spinning and her eyes had become too heavy to stay open.  And she had fallen asleep over the steady beat of that faithful heart.

Even then, there had been so much more treasure hidden inside of him.  She’d discovered some of it when he’d written his first song for her.  He’d called her his beautiful rose. Growing in a barren garden.  

But then, he’d written another one for her too.   Jimin had called her his beautiful pearl in his second song.  From the day he’d discovered the truth about her, he had treated her like she was a precious gem.  Something to be treasured.  Guarded.  Illuminated.

And now he wanted to show her off in front of his friends at Namjoon’s wedding.  She tugged self-consciously at her clothing.  How much weight could she lose in three weeks?  

Surely, all Jimin’s friends would be looking at her.  Sizing her up.  Trying to decide if she was good enough for their friend.  They would notice her bent nose.  And that she wasn’t as tiny as most of the girls around her.  But they wouldn’t know that she’d overeaten on purpose to hide her true self under extra layers of fat.  She had sought to be undesirable. 

But now she’d found a guy she wanted.  And she longed to be desirable.  Jimin had insisted she wasn’t fat.  He’d called her beautiful.  But when she peered into a mirror, she still couldn’t see it.  She looked heavy; her face, broken.  Imperfect.  She tried not to look into a mirror often.

She wanted to be beautiful.  For Jimin.  She wanted him to be proud of her.  She wanted to be worthy of him.  

But sometimes, when she saw him talking to other girls – flawless girls – she acknowledged that she was being selfish.  If she truly loved him, she’d want him to have the best, wouldn’t she?  

And she knew she wasn’t the best.

Why else would her appa have repeatedly beaten her over many years?  If she hadn’t been terribly flawed, she wouldn’t have incurred his wrath, would she?

Her broken nose just revealed all the cracks on the inside of her soul.  Her nose wasn’t the only thing out of joint.  Her heart had long been broken.  Flawed.  Stained.  Faulty.

Had she ever been a pretty, little girl?  She didn’t think so.  She looked around at all the other girls.  They all looked so perfect.  Flawless skin.  Delicate bones.  Great, wide, innocent eyes.  Eyes that hadn’t seen evil.  Bones that hadn’t felt it.  Skin that had never turned blue with shame.

But that wasn’t her.  Her skin had known the sting of someone else’s disappointment.  Her bones had cracked at the touch of his anger.  Her eyes wanted to remain closed.  Just so they wouldn’t have to look upon such cruelty, such brokenness, ever again.

But then…a miracle had happened.  A beautiful boy with a beautiful soul had stepped into her life.  And he had introduced her to his beautiful world.  A world in which she could do no wrong.  A world in which she was a beautiful creature too.  A flawless one.  A world in which she was adored.  Just as she was.  No effort required.  Jimin lavished his love on her.  In his world, she was accepted.  And treasured.  Like a beautiful pearl.

She never wanted to leave his world.  She wanted to believe that she deserved that world.  That she deserved him.  And all the beauty hidden in his heart.

But it was so hard.  Years…years she had been told the opposite. And not just by her appa.  He had broken her ribs.  But he had never broken her nose.  It had taken a younger man to accomplish that.  But, somehow, they had both managed to break her heart.

And the words they had spoken over her had crippled her.  Those flaming darts had distorted her image of herself.  Twisted it until she saw what they saw when she glanced in a mirror.  A broken girl.  An undesirable one.  No one could ever want that girl.  She was just too pitiful.  Too awful.  The perfection of her face marred by broken cartilage as her soul was marred by a broken heart.

Scars.  She bore them.  Not just on her body.  Not just in her bones.  And in her cartilage.  She also bore their fibrous cords in her soul.  And carried them in her heart.  And she wasn’t sure how she could ever be healed.

Not even by Jimin’s love.

—

She was being forced to look into a mirror.  Jumi stood in the changing room gazing at her reflection.  The dress Jimin had picked out was stunning.  The only problem was the girl wearing it.  She grimaced as her eyes slid over her body, taking into account how this dress hugged her ample curves.  Was it too tight?  

She wished she were thinner.  She was certain she outweighed Jimin by ten pounds.  She didn’t think a girl should weigh more than her boyfriend.  She was, after all, six inches shorter than he was.  

But when Jimin saw her a moment later, he didn’t seem to mind.  His eyes lit up.

“Jumi, you look beautiful!  Let’s get that dress for you.”

She glanced up into his gorgeous, dark eyes.  “Jimin…are you sure?  I’m not…I don’t look…” Pained, she stopped.

His eyes caressed hers.  “Look what?  You look wonderful.”

Again, that impulse to brush his lips across hers overwhelmed him.  He pushed it to the side.  He knew her.  She’d be embarrassed if he ever attempted to kiss her in public.  Besides, three feet from the women’s changing room hardly seemed the appropriate place for their first kiss.  He’d have to plan it better than that.

“Please, Jumes, will you let me buy it for you?” Jimin used his pet name for her.  The one he reserved for desperate situations.

She grimaced.  “If you’re sure, Jimin.  I don’t want to embarrass you in front of your friends.”

He frowned.  “Embarrass me?  Jumi, you could never embarrass me.  I think you’re just perfect.”

There they were again.  Jimin’s beautiful words.  He spoke them over her constantly.  Almost like he knew that her soul required a continual cleansing from the words that had haunted her for nearly her entire life.  He spoke these lovely words.  He sang them too.  They poured over her in a refreshing flood that she was beginning to crave.  Even if she didn’t quite believe them yet.

—

“Yuni, would you come to my grandparents’ with me for the week?  I’m leaving on Saturday.”

She gazed up into Kookie’s eyes.  She smiled.  “You want to take me back to our secret garden?” she asked softly.

He nodded.  “I do.”

She stared up at a man she had never believed existed.  This sweet boy who had spent two months of his summer break building her her very own secret garden.  Complete with stone wall.  And perfumed rose bushes.  And an apple tree.  And a hammock.  He’d wanted to put up a swing, but the tree wasn’t strong enough.  So a hammock would have to do.

She loved that hammock.  Over the summer, within its comforting embrace, she had fallen asleep in Kookie’s arms as a soft breeze had flowed over her skin.  Carrying the fragrance of heirloom roses.  She had been held securely against the breast of the man she loved.  It was a memory she cherished.

“I would love to go back.  You know that if I had my wish, I would live in that garden.”

That’s my plan.

He just smiled at her.  After a few moments, he informed her, “We’ll come back on the twenty-third to prepare for Namjoon and Eunji’s wedding.  We’re going to celebrate an early Christmas with my grandparents.  Then, I thought we could celebrate the actual holiday with your family.”

She smiled.  Her first Christmas with a boyfriend visiting her home.  And what a boyfriend!  They had been pretty blissfully happy for over a year now.  But last Christmas, they’d been separated when her family traveled out of town.

“Sounds wonderful, Kookie!  All of it!”

He grinned down at her, scrunching up his nose until his eyes were quarter moons and the light of his grin flooded his entire face.  Those chubby, white teeth were beaming down at her.  Did he know that he was absolutely irresistible when he smiled at her like that?