“Dear Joonie.
“I miss you. How is that possible when I’ve never actually met you? I miss you, nonetheless. Ha! I just realized that if I change just one letter in that sentence, it would read: I kiss you, nonetheless. It’s so true, Joonie! I’ve kissed you so many times! If only in my mind. Sigh. You’ll never read these words, so I guess it doesn’t matter that I’m being completely vulnerable here.
“I found Hold Me Tight today. And you called to me through it. Your heart beckoned mine.
“‘Only your scent completes me. Hurry and hug me. Now I can’t live a day without you.’
“Joonie, this is what I’m feeling today. I spend hours poring over Twitter pictures of you, YouTube videos of you, and Tumblr accounts of you. And I just ache to know you. I just want to hold your hand and kiss your lips and laugh with you over some stupid joke Jin told. When you cry, I want to be the one who wipes away your tears. When you smile, I want to be the recipient of your dimples. When you fear, I want to hold your hand and give you courage. When you love, I want it to be me.”
This is what she was feeling today. Would he understand that? Or would he think she’d just picked this selection randomly?
“‘Hold me tight, hug me. Can you trust me? Pull me in tight. Please, please, please, pull me in and hug me.’”
She read his own words back to him. Her heart was crying out for him. She knew these were stolen moments. She was walking in a dream now. She might never see him again. Perhaps he wouldn’t connect with her the way she’d dreamed. Perhaps this was all a mirage, everything he’d said today, everything he’d done. What if this were her only chance? What if today was all they had? Did she want to give her first kiss to a man she’d never see again? Even if she loved him with all her heart?
She was well aware that he had seven years left on his contract with the band. He wouldn’t really be free for a very long time, and even then, he might renew the contract. She knew Korean men often didn’t marry until their thirties. She’d been willing to wait for him, but would he be willing to wait for her?
Was she making too big a deal out of her first kiss? Would she really remember it forever? And would it be just as meaningful if she gave it to this man she had loved for nearly four years, and then they didn’t marry? Would she regret it later if she met, loved, and married someone else? Was she just overthinking it all?
She continued to quote the words of the song.
“‘You still shine. You’re still like a scented flower. Now trust me. Hold me once again. So I can feel you. Hold me.’”
Did she have any idea what her words were doing to him? It took all the self-control he possessed to keep his hands to himself. To not reach out and pull her close. Still, her voice drew him near.
“‘Without you, I can’t breathe.’”
She stopped reading. It was true. She couldn’t breathe. Her heart was hurting so badly right now as she considered a life without him.
Namjoon looked down at her bent head.
“What’s wrong, Breeze?”
She continued to hide her face from him. He reached out and, with one outstretched finger, he lifted her chin, pulling her face towards him until their eyes collided. Why was he shocked to see tears pooling in her eyes?
She recited the letter by heart, feeding him more of his own words.
“‘I’m nothing without you. Open my closed heart, drench my heart, so I can feel you. Hold me.’”
She whispered the last two words, and Namjoon couldn’t restrain himself any longer. He reached out and pulled her into his arms until she was cradled against his strong chest, her face pressing into the fabric covering his heart.
Then he began to rap the next words to her. They were written in her letter, but they were also stamped on his heart.
“‘Your arms, your warmth, your heart, I want to see it all, I beg you. This moment, even the warm, flower-scented wind. Even the sky without a single cloud.” He gazed overhead at the cloudless blue dome covering them. “‘Everything feels cold, and I’m even scared of the clear sky. If you’re not here, I’m just a corpse, so how can I breathe?’” He paused to skip many lines before adding, “‘If there’s a chance, I’ll catch you…Don’t talk. Don’t leave. Just quietly hold me, girl.’”
Breeze did just that. For a very long time.