Their time alone together was coming to an end. Still holding hands, they walked back to his eomma’s house. Breeze didn’t want to trespass on his time alone with his family, so she tried to convince him that she wanted to do some shopping by herself, but he insisted she come into the house with him. So she did what she could to help ready the table for dinner. Then she hid in Namjoon’s room while he talked with his mother.
Breeze lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. What was she doing? Was she setting herself up for heartbreak here? That was very much what it felt like. Namjoon would be returning to work in a few short days. Never mind that they were living in the same city for the next few months. He wouldn’t have time to come see her. And if word got out that they were dating, it could spell disaster for him with the band. Soon enough they’d be touring the world again also. It would be even more impossible to see him then.
The problem was she’d been pouring all her hopes and dreams into Namjoon for several years now. And the impossible had happened! She had not only met him this morning but also attracted his notice. Then he’d gone so far as to hold her hand and take a walk with her before inviting her to stay the weekend with him at his eomma’s home! Then, of all things! He’d said that he loved what he saw in her and that he wanted all her firsts! It was truly unbelievable, but she had best wake up from the dream sooner rather than later. The heartache would be milder if she found herself less embroiled in this whole affair.
She rolled over onto her stomach and planted her face in the bedcovers. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep. But rest evaded her. A while later, Namjoon appeared, calling her to dinner. She really didn’t want to face his entire family over the dinner table, but she couldn’t figure out how to get out of it respectfully. So she climbed off his bed and followed him to the kitchen.
—
Breeze was pretty quiet over the dinner table. She had been very respectful of his parents, even bowing to them when she’d entered the room. It was over the top. They didn’t expect that of a foreigner. In all honesty, it alarmed his father because he instantly discerned how very infatuated this girl was with his successful son. And he was concerned that this was just another young girl taken in by the trappings of fame and fortune. Namjoon had made it. He had accomplished his dreams in ways beyond what any of them had ever dared to hope. And with that prosperity came false devotion. He wanted his son to have a happy future with a wife who truly loved him. So he eyed Breeze suspiciously over the dinner table.
Namjoon was watching her out of the corner of his eye. She was so quiet, and she kept pushing her food around in her bowl. Every so often, she’d take a bite and chew quietly, her eyes on the table. He covered her by constantly keeping the conversation going. He knew speaking in English would be awkward for his family; conversing in Korean would be equally uncomfortable for Breeze.
He watched her face every time a casual comment or question was directed her way from his eomma, appa, or sister. If she seemed to be struggling, he offered a succinct interpretation. But several times she did just fine on her own.
He could tell that his sister was brimming over with curiosity about the American girl he’d brought home. She was clearly fascinated with Breeze’s golden hair and big, blue eyes. She kept staring at her.
His sister had come through the door late tonight, just as they were sitting down at the dinner table. So she and Breeze had had no time alone to get to know one another outside of the watchful gaze of his parents. His sister was being quieter than usual. He was thankful for that. He didn’t want Breeze overwhelmed by questions. This was a family dinner, not an interrogation. He wanted Breeze to see his family in the best possible light.
But towards the end of dinner, his sister finally broke her silence as she turned toward Breeze, who was seated across from her.
“So you just met Namjoon this morning?”
Breeze nodded, her eyes briefly resting on his sister’s face before returning to her bowl as she fished some rice out of it with a pair of chopsticks.
“And you’re already staying with us?” Ah, here it came! His overprotective, baby sister was suspicious too!
“Hey! Pipe down, pipsqueak! I invited her!” Namjoon was nipping this in the bud immediately.
“So, what’s gotten into you then?”
“Hospitality!” he snapped back.
He could see the questions and comments flying over her countenance. He could read his sister like an open book. Her face was shouting at him, “You barely know this girl! How could you bring her home? Endanger us all?!”
“Oh, come off it!” he rebuked her. Aloud.
Then his father quietly intervened, reminding them both that Breeze was a guest in their home. Everyone fell silent. After a moment, Breeze began to push back her chair.
“Please excuse me. I’m not feeling very well.” Her stomach was in knots and what little she’d eaten was threatening to revisit her. Very soon.
She waited for their dismissal before fleeing to Namjoon’s room, hot tears sliding down her cheeks. She needed to leave. She’d booked a room for tonight and then canceled it. She wondered if it was still available. If not, she could take the train back to Seoul tonight. She felt that investigating Ilsan without Namjoon’s presence had lost its luster. Anyway, she had mostly come here in the wild hope of meeting him. Mission accomplished. Way more than accomplished.
She felt horrible. She had not wanted to cause problems for his family. But she had. Joonie and his sister were fighting, and it was all because of her! She sighed. Some dream weekend. Guess she was finally waking up from the fantasy.
Namjoon knocked lightly on the door.
“Breeze?”
She furiously wiped the tears from her eyes and cheeks and sniffed, trying to hold back yet another waterfall.
“What, Joonie?” Her voice was far away.
“May I come in?”
Such perfect English. She smiled. Most Americans got that phrase wrong. But not Joonie, her overachiever other half.
“Yes.” Her voice was so tiny this time that he almost missed it.
He cracked the door open and peeked in, unsure what he would find on the other side of that door. He felt so far away from her again. It was understandable that his family was confused and concerned. They hadn’t been walking around in his shoes today. They hadn’t read Breeze’s letters. They had no idea what she’d hidden in her heart. But he knew. He wasn’t worried. He was floored. Still. By a love that had traversed an ocean to find him.
“Breeze, I have a question to ask you. It’s gonna make me sound like a megalomaniac, but I need the truth. So, whatever the truth is, please give it to me.”
Her guard was up now; she was suddenly very nervous. What was he about to ask her?
“Did you come to South Korea in the hopes of meeting me?” Then he rolled his eyes. “I mean, I know you hoped to meet me. You brought me the book, after all. But, I mean, was I the reason you chose to study here?”
What? He wasn’t supposed to be able to see that far down into her heart yet! Maybe not ever! She felt exposed. Vulnerable. Which was ridiculous considering all she’d already shared with him today. Through her voice and the typed words on the pages of her book. All she could do was nod.
“Do you think that’s just a little crazy? Planning out your whole life for a guy you’ve never actually met?”
Ouch. Yes. Of course, it was! The chances of him choosing her, even if by some chance they did meet, were so slim, it didn’t bear pondering. So she nodded again.
“Yet you did it anyway.”
“If I couldn’t be near you, at least I could be in the place you grew up, in the cradle that formed the person you are today.”
He just stared at her. Such devotion. He wasn’t sure whether he should be touched or terrified. Except that he’d read some of her book. And she was just an average girl with normal hopes really…except the part about becoming the love of the biggest K-pop rap artist in all the world.
And she wasn’t average. Not by any standard. She’d stood out at her school like a sore thumb. He knew because it had been his experience too. Everyone else was always trying to take a hammer to that thumb and put it out of its misery for good. Still, he’d remained the top student. Through hard work. Dedication. Necessity. Driven by the expectations of both his parents and his teachers and by the society and culture he’d been born into.
And her heart wasn’t average either. He had the feeling he could spend the rest of his life plumbing the depths of that devotion, and he’d never hit bottom. He’d never find the end of her love for him. Why was he so certain? It was so obvious. Every single time he looked into her eyes or saw her sweet smile or read her words. It was the special part of her that he absolutely adored and that had also made her repulsive to the high school boys. She had reminded them of their better selves, the ones they’d chosen not to pursue. She’d made them feel guilty because they were living an inferior quality of life, and deep down they knew it. But they didn’t want to face it. She’d set a standard they refused to live up to. She was waiting for a true love, for an eternal commitment. Every time they had looked at her, they had seen what they couldn’t have. And it grated against them.
But she had chosen him. She’d believed better of him. She’d made the choice to lavish that devotion on him. Of all people. Why? It was the part he couldn’t comprehend. He was just a regular guy. No superhero.
“Am I Anpanman?” His whispered question floated to her waiting ears.
She pondered him for a moment. Then she nodded. “You are definitely Anpanman. You feed others from your face. Whatever you’ve faced, you’ve turned it into a song to enlighten and encourage and strengthen the world. You walk with us through our everyday messes and feed us the hope we need to press on and to walk through whatever we’re facing.”
“Is that why you love me?”
She stared at him. “I love you, Joonie, because I see YOU. Underneath all that makeup and the finely coiffed hair – your stylists are finally doing right by you, by the way.” Here she quirked her lips upward for a moment, a sparkle in her eyes as she remembered his black mohawk, before continuing, “I see the you that hides underneath the crazy clothes and the sharp suits and the airbrushed photos. I see the you that’s buried within your lyrics and speaks from your voice box. I see the you that shines out of your eyes every time you look at the rest of the Bangtan Boys.
“I’m well acquainted with that look. It’s the expression of one who feels responsible for the whole wide world. The one who will sacrifice all for someone else’s good, for their comfort and their sake. I am the same. I care that deeply about others too, so when I look at you, I recognize what I’m seeing. More than that, I’m in agreement with it. If I were living that life with you, we’d be doing that together. And you’d be stronger because it wouldn’t all rest on your shoulders alone.” She paused, then she admitted, “I worry about you, Joonie. I truly do. You push yourself too hard. I want to see you rest.”
Why was it that when he was in her presence, he could feel that rest? That private sanctuary? That secret place of communion and peace. He wanted to lean into it right now. He wanted to walk over to his bed, lie down next to her, and pull her into his arms before he laid his head over her heart and simply fell asleep in her safe embrace.