Breeze stood rooted to the spot by the current of electricity flowing through her body. Namjoon grinned at her as he returned to his full height. He took her hand again and pulled her towards his mother’s home.
—
They had just barely walked through the front door when Joonie was suddenly accosted by his sister. Kyungmin started yelling at him, and he snapped back, looking sideways at Breeze.
“Hey, not in front of Breeze, ok?” Then in an aside to his sister, he whispered, “Do you want her to think I’m totally heartless?”
Breeze was flabbergasted as she watched the two of them walk down the hall, enter another room, and shut the door. The yelling continued.
What’s going on? It made her decidedly uneasy. She was super-sensitive to verbal abuse. Was Joonie prone to losing his temper, or was his sister just a particular irritant who rubbed him the wrong way? This wasn’t how she’d pictured them. Breeze felt sick to her stomach. The walls of the house seemed to be closing in on her. She had to get out of here. She walked out the front door, closing it quietly behind her.
Unfortunately, she could hear them even better on this side of the house. So she simply walked away. Down the block. Towards better memories.
After they bickered for a couple more minutes, Kyungmin spoke in a soft voice, “Namji, do you think she bought it? Were we convincing?”
“If her expression was anything to judge by, I think we might have been too convincing. I may find myself without a girlfriend for a different reason now.”
He was worrying over the look he’d caught on Breeze’s face. Who had yelled at her? Someone had put that fear into her eyes.
Namjoon walked back out to the living room. Breeze was nowhere to be found. He searched the kitchen, the bathroom, every single bedroom. She wasn’t here!
He ran out the front door and down the block. Where would she go? He hadn’t seen her backpack in the living room either. She had just left, taking her belongings with her.
Where on earth had she gone? He could think of one place. Breeze would always fly home to peace. He ran all the way.
Breeze was sitting on the edge of the old swing, looking worried. Namjoon came running down the trail towards her. When she heard his approaching footsteps, she turned her head to look at him. Her eyes flew to his face.
“Is everything all right?” He could hear the trepidation in her voice.
“Yes, we’re fine. Just a little disagreement. We worked it out.”
Breeze stared at the composed man standing before her. This was the same guy that was flying off the handle ten minutes earlier? Something didn’t add up.
She narrowed her eyes at him as she studied his expression for the missing truth. “You surprised me, Namjoon. I didn’t think you’d ever raise your voice to anyone. You seem so easygoing.” Why am I so cold? I’m shivering.
She’d called him ‘Namjoon.’ This didn’t bode well.
Hmm. Well, he had overplayed it. Not that he was always perfect. There were times he got stressed and raised his voice. But he never just laid into people. Then, for some absurd reason that he could not have explained, he decided right now was the perfect time to pick a fight.
“Did I shock you? Turns out you don’t know me as well as you thought, I imagine.” He felt like he was walking a tightrope, trying not to fall off on either side. He didn’t wish to spiral down to his death.
Wow. He sounded so cold. She shivered again. “What’s going on? Why are you acting so weird?”
“I’m not acting weird; you’re acting weird. I get into a little fight with my sister, and you act like the world is coming to an end. We worked it out. We’ll both survive. In fact, we’re fine. Maybe you’re just too sensitive.” He could tell he’d gone too far as soon as he crossed the line.
Her eyes instantly filled with tears. She inhaled a deep, sharp breath. He could tell it hurt her just to breathe. His words had cut her deeply too. He made a sudden move towards her, reaching out to her. She wouldn’t look at him. She stood up.
“Um. I forgot to tell you that I can’t stay. I need to catch the next train back to Seoul. I have an important exam tomorrow. I just wanted to see you one more time before we said goodbye.” He could hear the tears in her voice. One was even sliding down her cheek now. He watched in dismay as she mercilessly brushed it away as she turned from him.
“I lied!” Namjoon yelled, terrified that he’d just made the stupidest mistake of his life. Petrified, thinking that he’d just lost her.
Her head came up. A confused look crossed her face. “What?”
“I lied. We lied. My sister and I weren’t really in a fight. We were acting.”
She just stared at him.
“And I didn’t mean anything I said to you out here either. You’re not too sensitive. Apparently, I’m too insensitive.”
She shook her head. “Nooo. I think you got it right. I’m definitely more sensitive than you are. I should be leaving now. I need to go nurse my emotions in the dark for a while.” She sorrowfully lifted the corners of her mouth at him. “Thank you for last weekend. And happy birthday. Oh!” She pulled her backpack off and unzipped it, drawing a wrapped box from the pocket. She zipped the pocket up and threw the bag back over her shoulder before holding the pretty, little box out to him. It was wrapped in shining, silver paper. “This is your birthday present. You can wait and open it tomorrow.”
She continued to stand there, her right hand floating in the air before her, the pretty wrapping paper sending glints of light flying around them.
He simply stared at her, his heart breaking. Had he just lost her for good?
“Breeze, please.” His tone was full of supplication, but she refused to look him in the eye. He whispered the next words. She had to strain to hear them. “There’s only one thing I want for my birthday: you. Please forgive me.”
Her eyes firmly on the ground, she answered, “There’s nothing to forgive, Namjoon.” She set the box on the grass at her feet. It was her turn to whisper, but her voice caught on the one word as she spun on her heel to leave. “Goodbye.”
All her dreams lay in ashes at her feet. All the foolish fantasies she’d been living for nearly four years. All the unbelievable, improbable things she’d tied her hope up in. Of all the stupid things! To believe she could be the love of the most popular rap artist in all the wide world. How dumb could she get? As if he’d really want her! And now it seemed, he wasn’t even who she had been convinced he was.
Hot tears were pouring down her face. They were coming so fast, they’d flooded her eyes, and she couldn’t see. She couldn’t stop the sob that erupted from her chest either. But she forced her legs to keep walking. No one would be bringing her a Kleenex today. Or toilet paper. Or a beautiful scarf.
Namjoon felt the earth shift beneath his feet as she turned away from him, her broken goodbye echoing in his ears. He’d been such an idiot! Trying to convince her that he himself was flawed, he’d apparently done too good a job of it.
He ran after her. “Breeze!” She was much more broken on the inside than he had realized. She had been hurt much more deeply than he’d ever suspected. He was going to have to come completely clean. He winced as he realized he had to tell her the whole truth. “I’m sorry. I broke your trust. I read your letter.”
She stopped as though she’d walked into a brick wall. “What?” Her voice was completely flat.
“The letter you threw into the trash at the train depot.”
She closed her eyes. She was going to throw up. Namjoon had just introduced her to her worst nightmare. He had read the letter she’d written. The one he had said he wouldn’t read without her permission. He had fished it out of the trashcan just so that he could violate her trust. Then having read it, he had concocted some stupid plan to get into a mock fight with his sister. And then he’d picked a fight with Breeze.
“Why?” She asked the question that kept echoing in her mind. “Why did you read my letter when you said you wouldn’t? Why did you pretend to fight with your sister in front of me? Why did you pick a fight with me? I don’t understand.” She was staring at him. This stranger was nothing like the Namjoon she had come to know and love through his YouTube videos and lyric sheets.
He took a long, deep breath. At least, she had stopped. At least, she was listening.
“I followed you to the train station, just to make sure you were safe. And I… I didn’t want to say goodbye,” his voice grew a little melancholy then. “I wanted to see you for as long as possible. I saw you reading your journal. Then you started to cry like something had really hurt you. I watched as, upset, you ripped the pages from your journal and tossed them into the trash. Then you left on the train. I wanted to know what had hurt you so badly. I wanted to heal your heart. So I fished the pages out of the trash. And I read them late that night.”
He was staring at her so earnestly, but she kept avoiding all eye contact. All right. He would just have to reach her heart with his words.
“But when I read them, I realized I was losing you. You didn’t like yourself well enough to stay with me. You thought I needed a paragon of virtue and a Barbie doll, apparently. So I thought if you could see that I’m not perfect either, then you’d stay with me.”
She raised her eyes to meet his own. “What?” Her eyes widened in shock. “That’s absurd, Namjoon! Your anger wasn’t even real!”
“No, but I proved that I can do stupid and hurtful things when I’m desperate just like anyone else. And I was desperate. For you. For your love. And I did betray your trust. That part was real enough.”
“Yeah, but even in that, you had a good reason! I mean, you were being a sweetheart! Wanting to take care of me and make me feel better!” Her heart was melting again, but she couldn’t forget the feelings of the past few minutes. He had unveiled a crack in her heart, and it was a pretty deep one. She was still hurting. And her nose was still running.
“Here,” Namjoon came to her rescue. “I came prepared.” He shoved his hand into his pocket and pulled out a pile of Kleenex. He handed her one. She blew her nose and wiped her cheeks off. She had to smile at him.
“Did you put Kleenex in your pocket just because of me?”
He nodded, looking down at her with an earnest longing in his eyes.
“Stop that!” she rebuked him.
“Stop what?” he asked, innocently.
“Stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“You know…”
He tilted his head to the side, still looking at her. “Didn’t you say that you have a test tomorrow?”
Now it was her turn to cringe. “I lied too.”
“Ha! Good! Now we’re even. And we’ve both proven we’re not perfect and have somehow still survived. What do you say, Breeze? Will you still be my friend?”
The smile had fled his face to be replaced by something deeper, something vulnerable. But her silly heart was mourning because he hadn’t said ‘girlfriend’ but only ‘friend.’ Had she misunderstood him?
He watched the emotions flitting across her face. What had he said wrong? She looked like she was going to cry again.
She took a deep breath and held out her hand with a sad smile on her lips. “Friends, then?”
Friends. He had said, “Will you still be my friend?”
He reached out and took her hand in his. He held it very gently and brought his left hand up to cup the other side of her hand. Now she was trapped by the embrace of his long fingers.
“Promise me something?” he whispered, tightening his hold on her fingers.
“What?” she asked, a sudden lump in her throat.
“Promise me you won’t ever lie to me again. Not even a little, white lie.”
“Are you going to promise me the same thing?” she demanded.
He smiled down at her, suddenly wanting to kiss her again. He nodded. “Yes. I will never lie to you again. But you have to promise me one more thing.”
“What?” Now she was suspicious.
“That you will begin to think better of yourself. That you will begin to believe that you are good enough for me. And for yourself.”
Breeze stared up at him, honestly unsure that she could do that. She sighed. “Deal’s off. I don’t think I can do that.”
“Why not? Don’t I get to decide who I like? Why do you get to make that choice for me?” Now he really was mad and a little confrontational to go with it.
Ouch. She hadn’t meant it like that.
“Don’t you trust my judgment? I think you’re just the girl for me. I like you. I’m hoping you like me. I think you do. So, what’s the problem?”
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
“You need to forget those bullies you went to high school with. Don’t let them control the rest of your life. They were jerks who held no value for you. Why would you allow them to speak into your life? Why would you let them influence you more than you let me?”
She had no answer for him. Why, indeed?