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She did lay awake for a couple of hours.  Stewing. 

The man ruffled her feathers.  She wasn’t sure why.  But somehow, he had crawled under her skin.  Or maybe, just maybe, he had slipped into her heart.  And opened some forbidden door. 

He had seen things that she didn’t want him to see.  She was supposed to be heartless.  Invincible.  Impervious to assault.

So why was she wavering?

Her mother had never wavered.  Not in her resolve.  And not in her actions.

She had killed people when they had stood between her and the throne.  Or between her son and his throne.  She had done away with those who had been faithful to her.  She had been…mercenary.  Her eyes always on the prize.  Power.  Authority.  The right of a king.  Her son.  Jin Heung.

But…her son was not like her.  He had refused to step on his friends to ascend that throne.  He had, in fact, reached a place of peace with his peers.  And won their support.  And that ready defense of him on their part was what had secured his throne for him.

But, as Sook Myeong considered it, it wasn’t just a peace he’d achieved with them.  It was a…camaraderie.  He had formed a special bond with the other men his age.  They might have been the sons of the royal council.  But these younger men didn’t think like their fathers did.  Just as Jin Heung didn’t think like his mother had.  All of these boys – tired of abuse and tyranny – had decided to think for themselves.

So the question was…should she?

Should she break away from the way her mother thought?

Jin Heung thought so.  He believed that the key to the future did not lie along the path their mother had walked.  He was convinced that a prosperous kingdom could be built only upon the conviction that each person’s life was just as precious as the next one.

Which meant that Sook Myeong wasn’t really anything special at all.  Not because she’d been born a princess anyway.

But, honestly, that wasn’t news to her.  She had always known that she wasn’t anything special.  She had been an accident.  An accident broadcast to the whole world when the king formally denied her royal paternity on his part.  He had made it clear to all who would listen that she had not come forth from his loins.  That her mother had been an adulteress.  Unfaithful to a dying king. 

That was the first stain on Sook Myeong’s heart.  She had been an accident.  Born of infidelity.  The very worst kind of accident.

From birth, her character had been marred by the appellation illegitimate. 

Oddly enough, the old king had still considered her to be a legitimate choice of bride for his son.  But that acceptance had simply locked her in a different kind of cage.  One that branded her isolated.  Saved for her half-brother’s use.  Had he married her, she had always known that she would not be his choice for his first wife.  She would have had to content herself with being further down the pecking order.  His wife because their parents had forced them to marry.  To consolidate power.  Not for love.  Or affection.

She would have watched him marry a girl he loved.  She would have stood by as he established that other woman as his queen consort.  And Sook Myeong would have been relegated to the bottom of the pile.  Where she well knew she would never have been content.  She would have ended up in her mother’s shoes.  She was certain that she would have found herself in the arms of a man who put her first. 

It scared her.

She was just like her mother in so many ways. 

She pretended to be proud of such a heritage.  But, truly, she was ashamed.  Especially when men like Seon Woo – and the prince – deemed her good.

She knew for a matter of fact that she was not good.  No good thing had ever taken root in her heart.  Not even her love of Seon Woo.  For it had brought with it a burning jealousy of Ah Ro.  And such a horrid passion could never be deemed good.

Sook Myeong had been faithful to her mother.  And to her schemes.  But that last had robbed her motives of purity.  For in seeking to please her mother, she had carried out several evil actions.  And each one had frozen off another sector of her heart.  Until nearly all of it was numb.

Which was why she was so shocked that the prince had been able to find a sore spot.  What strange power did he possess that he could remind her of her earlier agony?  Of the qualms that had overtaken her each time her mother had asked her to go against her conscience for the sake of the kingdom?

How could violating what she knew in her heart to be right be the only way to save the land she loved?  And to protect her brother’s throne from usurpers? 

It had seemed wrong to her.

If she were honest, it still seemed wrong.

But she had buried that still, small voice under a pile of justifications.  The top one being that she was showing filial piety by doing as her mother asked.  But she could no longer fall back on that excuse.  Her mother was dead and buried.  She would place no more demands upon Sook Myeong.

It was time that Sook Myeong determined what her own righteous path looked like. 

The prince had pointed out that she still had time to become the person she wanted to be. 

Was he right?  Was it really not too late to make different choices?  Could she still choose to focus on a different outcome?  And use different tactics – honorable ones – to get there?

Did she not need to be mercenary to walk the path which she was born to trod?

Could she make different choices than her mother had?  And expect a different outcome? 

Was she not destined to be some powerful man’s plaything?  And another mighty man’s pawn?

Was it possible that both her brother and the prince would let her decide her own future?  Or would they work together to box her into a corner and force her into a marriage that might be repugnant to her?