When they entered her home, Yeo Wool stared down at her. “Please. Lead me to her room, and I will set her down in her bed.”
Sam Sook nodded her head, preparing to show him to her daughter’s room.
“Oh, darling! There you are!” her mother suddenly appeared. She took one look at the young man and grinned. “Kim Yeo Wool! How good it is to see you! How is your grandmother?”
She watched his face fall. “What is it? What did I say?”
Sam Sook came to his rescue. “Eomma. His grandmother passed away a few hours ago.”
The older woman gasped. “Oh, my dear boy, I am so sorry!” She reached out a hand and touched his arm.
Yeo Wool smiled tremulously at her. “Thank you.”
“Grandma, I’m hungry!” Se Ri suddenly whimpered. “Bo A and I missed tea.”
“Oh, my dear, come with me! We shall get you something to eat.” She reached out and grasped her granddaughter’s hand. But before she led her towards the kitchen, she turned back to the young man filling up her foyer. “Please give my condolences to your family.”
He nodded, and Sam Sook led him to Se Yeon’s bedroom. A moment later, he was settling the tiny girl in her bed. He tucked her under the blankets and stood up to gaze down at her adoringly. Sam Sook happened to glance up at that moment. She caught the vulnerable expression on his countenance. And her heart melted again.
She felt powerless against the appeal of the tenderness hidden in both his gaze and face. Caught by its touching trap, she simply stared at him. After a few sweet moments, he turned towards her. And met her eye.
She blinked and backed away. Finally leading him back the way they had come.
“Do you…do you want to stay for tea?” she queried. At a loss for anything else to say. Yet not wanting to bid him goodbye just yet.
“I cannot. I really must return home. But…thank you.” He smiled at her. “May I take you up on your offer some other time?”
She bobbed her head.
“The funeral is tomorrow. Eleven o’clock. Will you come?” he asked her abruptly.
Her eyebrows bounced up. “Of course, I’ll come.”
“Good. I really want you to be there.” His eyes probed hers intensely.
And her foolish heart began to race once more.
––
He had wanted nothing so much as to cling to her hand throughout the ceremony. But he had refrained from touching her. At great personal cost.
He wept alone. Surrounded by other mourners.
But Sam Sook was there. Standing next to him. Reining in the desire to grab his hand and squeeze it tight. Or better yet…to fling herself against him, surrounding him with her arms and hugging him close to her heart.
Instead, she held Se Yeon close to her heart. Until her arms began to scream. She must have sent some silent appeal to Yeo Wool then as she glanced up at him. For he seemed to divine her pain.
He reached out and whispered, “Let me hold her now.”
She passed the tiny girl to him. Se Yeon happily snuggled up against him. Turning to beam up at him. Bending his heart still further towards her. He even found a miniscule smile to send her way.
Sam Sook watched him carefully. Her own heart bending towards him.
It seemed that with each passing breath, some cord drew her closer to this gentle man. And made her heart yearn for things which she had long ago relinquished all hope of ever receiving.
Suddenly, her older daughter distracted her as her slender hand slipped into Sam Sook’s larger one. The woman had long fingers, her hands nearly as large as those of a man six inches taller than her. She glanced down at their linked hands and then up at Se Ri’s face. She furrowed her brow. And bent to whisper into her daughter’s ear.
“Are you all right?”
The girl nodded as a tear slipped down her cheek. “Just remembering Appa,” she breathed.
And Sam Sook found her heart bending in another direction now.
––
Yeo Wool continued to carry her tiny daughter around with him until it was time to eat the dinner that all his mother’s friends had created to celebrate the life of his beloved grandmother. Then he set the little girl down next to him and fed her from his own plate. As though he were her father.
Sam Sook felt a wealth of tender emotions boiling in her breast as she watched him with Se Yeon. Finally, she forced herself to tear her gaze from them. And from the adorable picture they made together. The man was devastating her heart.
Reminding her of all the things her daughters no longer had. Of all the things Se Yeon had never had. Things which would fade from Se Ri’s memory before long.
Tears welled up in Sam Sook’s eyes. She closed them and quickly wiped her cheeks. But not before Yeo Wool glanced her way. Catching sight of her private pain. He grimaced in concern for her.
My beloved, won’t you come to me? Won’t you tell me what’s hurting you so?
Was it the simple loss of her husband? Of the life which she’d expected to have with him? And of the sweet reality which she had enjoyed with him? And of dealing with the sad truth that her daughters were now growing up without an appa?
Or was there something more troubling her?
He longed to slide his arm around her and draw her near. As he had her daughter. To wrap himself around Sam Sook like a comforting blanket to block all the chill of reality from reaching her tender heart. To be, for once, strong for the strongest woman in his life. To be her refuge. As she had once been his.
But he resisted the impulse. Pouring all the attention which he wished to lavish upon her on her cute daughter instead. He found such a task easy. No task at all. But a joy. Se Yeon was delightful. And simply adorable. Exactly as he imagined Sam Sook had been at the same tender age.
Near the end of the meal, it was apparent that said charming daughter was thoroughly exhausted. She needed one thing. And one thing only.
A nap.
And her grandmother was the first to notice. “Sam Sook, I think I should take the girls home with me. Se Yeon needs a nap. And Se Ri is looking…quite down. I think she needs a change of scenery. But you can stay and lend Kim Yeo Wool your comforting presence. All right?”
In a daze, Sam Sook nodded her head. She was feeling so drawn to the hurting man sitting next to her. All her thoughts were for him right now.
She watched as her mother picked up her tiny daughter and coaxed her older one to join her in walking home. A moment later, they had faded from view.
At last. They were alone.
Not really.
He glanced around.
They were still surrounded by other mourners. But soon, the crowd would dwindle. And he could draw Sam Sook deeper into his grandmother’s garden. Where they had first met.
––
She wandered through that oasis half an hour later. Her eyes drinking in the lush darker colors that heralded the arrival of autumn. The deep crimson of the maple trees. Some had even burst into orange and yellow flames. And a few were a dark purple. She itched to climb one. But, truthfully, she was really too big to climb these trees now. She sighed in disappointment.
And remembered when life was both simpler and more complex. The fears of her childhood had all culminated in one horrifying moment four years ago. And nothing had been the same since. Nothing would ever be the same again. Would it?
Her worst terrors had been realized. But she hadn’t ceased to breathe. Though that experience had left her breathless for a very long time. Sometimes, in certain moments, she found her breath had flown once again. And not for any good reason. But, rather, she was experiencing the suffocation of the intense dread that still stalked her when she wasn’t careful.
It was shadowing her right now. Though she couldn’t have explained why. That eternal expectation of evil was cloaking her mind in uneasiness. As though she were waiting for the next circumstance that was going to spiral out of her control.
Control was an illusion. She had never been in control of any part of her life. Had she?
She shook her head. Clearly, she had not.
Had she been, she would have chosen to stay with her parents. In spite of the danger.
Had she had a choice, she would have kept her husband from dying.
Had she been omniscient, she would have made different decisions that fateful night when Se Ri had still been a small child and her husband an invalid. But if things hadn’t turned out as they had, one of the two brightest lights in her life would never have burned brightly for her. And she could not imagine her life without that sun.
How was it that the most horrible moment of her entire existence could have given birth to her greatest joy?
It still baffled her.
Still, the agony attached to that long-ago evening would not relinquish its hold on her heart and mind. And out of fear of some similar occurrence catching her off guard, she continued to order her life carefully. Always sharply aware of her surroundings. And cognizant of the people who came and went. Recognizing that control was an impossible reality to capture, she still grasped for it daily.
“Sam Sook?” his gentle voice floated on the cool autumn air.
She turned towards the mourning man. And her heart flew to him. That impulse to wrap herself around him in comfort clutched at her soul again. Nearly swamping her.
She understood his grief so well. It was akin to the sorrow that had dragged her down when her husband died. And when her beloved Appa passed away too.
“I am so sorry that she has left you,” she whispered as his eyes kissed hers.
He nodded. “Thank you for being here for me today.”
Her lips twitched, but her eyes remained steady on his. “Of course. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
“Are you sure? You seemed like you were elsewhere just a moment ago.”
Her eyes widened before they slid away from his.
“What are you thinking about?” he queried quietly.
“All the things I cannot change,” she murmured softly as she reached out to run her fingertips across one scarlet maple leaf.
“And what is it that you would like to change?” he breathed.
When she remained silent, he whispered, “Tell me. Please.”
Still, her tongue did not move.
“I want to know you, Sam Sook. Have you no desire to know me?”
His whispered words went off like bombs on the inside of her. For she discovered that she wanted nothing so much as she longed to know him. She yearned for his warm embrace. For someone in whom she could confide her hopes and dreams. And to whom she could admit her fears.
But…if she were that honest with Yeo Wool, she would scare him away. Wouldn’t she?
And then she wouldn’t even have his friendship anymore. He had always seen her as wiser, braver, and stronger than himself. If she shattered that illusion, what more would they have left?
She could feel panic rising in her chest again. Just at the thought of unburdening herself to him. And of his inevitable reaction.
Trapped in a past which she couldn’t change, dreading her inability to prevent something similar from happening again, and despairing because she was powerless to speak the truth of that horrid day – of all those awful moments – to him, she could feel that crazy fear overpowering her once more.
She cleared her throat and stood up straight. Then she glanced around. “Where are the girls?” she ejaculated, clearly terrified.
“Sam Sook,” he murmured soothingly. “Don’t you remember? Your mother took them home.”
“She did?” Alarmed, she spun around. “But she doesn’t know….” She let her voice trail off.
His eyes slid along that concerned countenance. “She doesn’t know…what?”
She blinked. “I need to get home.”
“May I walk you?”
His eyes disturbed her. They saw too much. This man was too sympathetic. She was simply sure that he could feel her pain. And was about to ask her for its source. Which, of course, she could not reveal to him. Perhaps she should sever that remaining strand which seemed to still bind his heart to hers. After all, Yeo Wool was a young man still. He needed a youthful bride. Not an older widow with two daughters. Not a woman who hadn’t been strong enough to…
“No. It’s all right. I’m sure you have things to do.”
“But I do not.” Those intense ebony eyes of his were scrutinizing her again.
And she didn’t know how to escape them.
