He couldn’t face her yet. It hurt too much to see all his dreams go up in smoke. He had absolutely no idea how to reach her. Or how to overcome the pain of her past.
One thing puzzled him, though. She had suffered sexual abuse as a child. Yet she had gone on to marry and birth two children. So she must have been able to tolerate her husband’s touch. So why couldn’t she stomach the idea of Yeo Wool touching her?
Had her experiences in the marriage bed been so unsavory that she was forever repulsed by the idea of marrying again?
That must be it. And if it were, how could he possibly change her mind?
He decided to stop trying. And to give himself time to heal.
If he couldn’t have her as his wife, then he must become content with mere friendship. But how was he to turn his heart away from her? For him, that would be as hard to do as choosing to no longer breathe would be. Though he might wish to stop drawing breath, his body’s will to live always overcame any desire to cease existing. Likewise, though he might wish to stop loving Sam Sook, his heart’s will to adore her overcame every single one of his intentions.
And then there were her children. He loved them both. So very much. And they needed a father. He knew how badly they needed an appa. From his own experience, he understood that need.
But right now, they were growing up without a father. And he couldn’t help but believe that if they’d had one, then perhaps Se Ri wouldn’t have been abused. Maybe Moon Won would have been put off by the possibility of having to face Se Ri’s father. Perhaps he never would have touched the girl if he had had to consider being confronted by an irate appa.
She’d been left vulnerable – just as Yeo Wool had – because she was fatherless.
He might not be able to change Sam Sook’s heart towards him. But he had it within his power to do something for her daughters. And now that he realized it, he saw only one way forward.
––
He did not return for a week. Every night she glanced out the window and wondered where he was. And how he was. And if his heart was still breaking.
All she knew for sure was that her own was.
But there was nothing she could do about it.
However, in the meantime, with each passing day, she grew to miss him more. Until she felt that she could barely breathe again. This time because she feared that he had perhaps deserted her. And she was learning how very much she had come to depend upon him.
No, it was more than that.
She had come to…love him.
––
Finally, he returned one evening and invited her on another walk. After several minutes of silence, he turned to address her. Abruptly.
“Sam Sook, I’m not exactly sure what role you’d be comfortable fulfilling in my life. Or what role you’d like me to fill, but I—”
“I want you to be the one who lends me strength,” she breathed suddenly.
“You would let me?” he answered abruptly.
“You are the only man I would allow to,” she affirmed.
“What does that mean exactly?”
She was silent.
“That we are friends?”
She bobbed her head at him. “Mmm.”
She saw disappointment clouding his gaze. He heaved a deep sigh as he turned away from her. “Friends,” he whispered. Then he bent his head and walked onwards. Still chewing on his proposal. The one which he’d heretofore lacked the courage to speak aloud.
“Best friends,” she murmured.
He stopped. And glanced at her. “Truly?”
She bobbed her head. “Truly.”
“Then I have a proposition for you. And before you say no, I want you to hear me out. All the way. Okay?”
Her eyes fenced with his for a few moments. “Ohhh…kay,” she breathed.
He cleared his throat. “Sam Sook,” he looked down at her hands before reaching for them. His fingers slid along her palms as they curled around her hands. He tugged her closer to him. Gently. Holding her hands loosely. Making sure that she didn’t feel trapped.
“You have always been my best friend,” he murmured. “I want – more than anything – to be yours. Truthfully,” he gazed down into her deep, obsidian eyes, “I adore you. And I adore your daughters. And one thing breaks my heart above all the others.”
She was afraid to ask, but she had to. She cringed as she anticipated his answer.
“What breaks your heart?” she breathed.
“That your daughters are growing up without an appa.”
She gasped. Her eyes growing wide as she gazed up at him. She had expected him to bemoan the fact that she did not desire him as he desired her. She’d never dreamed that his greatest concern was for her girls.
“What?”
He nodded. “So…I have a solution. But, first, I want you to know that I wouldn’t expect anything from you that you were unwilling to give. EVER,” he enunciated the word loudly, clearly, and with emphasis. “I would expect us to be only friends. Forever. Unless you should – at some point – change your mind. But I would never expect you to.”
Her brow wrinkled. “What are you trying to say, Yeo Wool?” She was purely perplexed now.
“I want to be their father. Sam Sook,” he squeezed her hands gently, “would you marry me so that I can be their father? You and I can occupy different bedrooms. I would never expect you to sleep with me,” he rattled off before he lost his nerve. “And I would never take another wife.”
She gasped. “Yeo Wool! Do you know what you’re saying? You would give up the chance to have children of your own? To be loved by a woman? To be held in her arms? To carry her off to your bed and…just to give my daughters a father?”
She couldn’t fathom such a sacrifice. It was far too much to ever ask of a man.
“Don’t you know?” he breathed. Agony was burning in his eyes.
“Know what?” she queried. Breathless.
“That living without you is like dying every day. If I could live with you – in any capacity – I would give up all my freedoms just to have a few moments with you each day. You don’t need to worry about me. I do not desire any other woman. And I never shall.
“If I cannot marry you, I want no wife. If I cannot father your children, I desire no children. Sam Sook. You are the only woman that I have ever loved. And so, it shall always be.” He fell silent, tears blurring his vision.
He must have lent her some of his angst for those same tears were burning her own eyes. “It is too great a sacrifice. I could never require such a thing of you.”
“You’re not requiring it. I am offering it. Freely.”
“Yeo Wool,” she breathed.
“Sam Sook. Please,” he begged her. And squeezed her fingers again.
She drew a steadying breath. She could not fathom a love like this.
“You do not know,” he whispered, “what it is like to grow up without a father. But I do.” A sob broke loose from his lungs then. Though he tried to bite it back. He blinked, and several more tears slid down his face. “I do not want that for Se Ri and Se Yeon. Please take me. And all I am offering you. I swear I will never touch you. Not without your permission.”
She furrowed her brow. “But…what if you change your mind later?”
“I would never violate you!” he gasped, distressed.
“No, I don’t mean that.” She shook her head. “I mean what if you meet another woman? And fall in love with her? And want children from her?”
“It won’t happen.”
“It could.” She frowned.
The truth was that she deplored the fact that her girls had no father. She saw the lack of one every single day. Se Ri’s insecurities. And Se Yeon’s too. She knew that many of them could be attributed to the fact that they had no man affirming their worth.
She recalled how peaceful and obedient Se Yeon had been at the funeral of Yeo Wool’s grandmother. As the calm man had held the tiny child in his warm embrace, Se Yeon had relaxed. And she’d been so happy. Far happier than Sam Sook alone could make her.
She took a deep breath. “I suppose that – should such an occurrence happen – you could marry again. And I would fade into the background. Your second wife.” She nodded her head. Even as such a possibility gave her a stomachache. “I might agree to a marriage with you under those conditions.” She gazed up at him. “All you would have to do would be to come to me and tell me that you had developed feelings for another woman.”
Horrified, he gaped at her. “What? Sam Sook, I would never—”
“Come now. It happens all the time in our society. Look at how many of the lords have more than one wife. Kings have several. I might agree to marry you under such a condition. If you would promise me one more thing.”
Queasy now, afraid to ask her for this final caveat, still he forced the question out, “What?”
“I would want you to agree to sign a covenant with me before we marry. That contract would state that I retain all power over all my wealth and property from my first marriage. I cannot jeopardize the future of my children. My husband made sure that they would always be well taken care of. And their welfare must be my first concern. I hope you understand. It’s not that I don’t trust you, Yeo Wool. It’s just that…”
She stopped speaking. Was she just digging the hole deeper?
The truth was that she didn’t fully trust him. She mostly trusted him. But she had learned that men could quite often be something different than they seemed.
And she was considering drastically altering her future here. And the future of her babies. Wasn’t it her responsibility to ensure that they would always be taken care of? Was she a fool to even consider putting any power over her life into the hands of this man?
“You do not need to explain,” he responded stiffly. “You do not fully trust me. But I cannot blame you. Not after everything you and Se Ri have been through.”
And he didn’t even know it all.
“I would agree to such terms,” he continued in a firm voice. “And any others that you want to impose upon me. I will sign away every right to make any decisions for you. Including any decisions concerning your children. I recognize that they are yours. And though I want them to be mine, it isn’t so that I can control them or you. It is simply so that I am free to love them. Completely. And freely. And daily. That I might be there for them in their time of need. And that they would have someone to call Appa.”
“You are too good to be true,” she breathed as she gazed up at him. “Are you real?” She reached out and poked his chest.
“I am.”
He stared down at her. His heart was trapped somewhere between his lungs and his mouth. And because of it, he couldn’t breathe anymore. He was terrified that she would turn him down. And then where would he be?
“Can I think about it?” she finally asked him.
He nodded his head. “Absolutely. Take all the time in the world. I would simply ask for one favor in the meantime.”
“What’s that?”
“That you would allow me to see your girls each day that I am able to visit. I would like to spend a little time with them each day. In your presence, of course.”
She studied him closely for several silent seconds. “I think that is a marvelous idea. You may join us for dinner each night that you can get away.”
He smiled at her. Perhaps this was the beginning of something beautiful….
