This story is dedicated to you if you have ever been abused by someone bigger, stronger, and seemingly more powerful than you. You are not alone. You are infinitely precious. And the trauma you endured is not your fault. Know that you are so loved. And whatever trauma you have been through – it does NOT define you. You are a beautiful rose, a lovely lily, a most precious gem.
Rated M for Mature. This story deals with some difficult topics and involves some graphic situations.
After a few minutes of being intensely aware of each other, Stasia stood up.
“I’m going to check the caramel tart.”
She walked to the kitchen and leaned against the counter. She was deriving so much comfort from Yoongi. But now a new fear had crossed her mind. What if she got attached to him, and then he left her? He probably didn’t even want a girlfriend. He was so busy with work and travel. But…he had just covered one side of her face in kisses. Surely, that meant he was interested in her!
Also, she had just let go of a very bad boyfriend. Probably the last thing she needed was another relationship. She needed to heal from the first. But what if at least some of that healing was designed to come through a healthy relationship with a good man?
She felt so confused. She really did feel like she loved Yoongi. But how long would it take him to feel that way about her? Would he ever?
She opened the fridge. The chocolate had set. She wished her life were as settled as that chocolate was. She pulled the pan from the fridge and set it on the counter. A hopeful expression lighting up his face, Yoongi entered the kitchen a moment later.
“Are they ready?”
She smiled. “Almost. We have to let the pan warm up for five minutes on the counter before we can cut them.”
He sighed. Almost there. They stood looking at each other for a couple of minutes. There was so much she wanted to say to him, but she was scared. After a little while, she cleared her throat, shifted her body, and turned her head to look out the window. She had no idea what to say. The silence had become awkward.
Yoongi stood studying her profile until she finally moved to pick up a knife. It made him remember the account she’d given the police. Her ex-boyfriend had held a knife to her throat. Did she remember it every time she picked up a knife?
She did. For a moment, she stood staring down at the knife. It had been a sharp blade similar to this one. It had pressed into her skin until she’d felt a bite of pain. She’d been petrified that he was going to slide that blade along her throat until her life source escaped her body in a flood. Why on earth had she not left him after that? She’d been so terrified. But later, he had apologized prettily and begged her forgiveness. She’d felt truly trapped. That was when he had begun to show up at school at the end of the day. She had known then that she couldn’t hide. Even if she moved to a new apartment, she’d still be teaching at the same school. He had her well and truly trapped.
She’d written Yoongi the first letter late that night. Chilled. So scared that Yoongi would never read her letter. Certain that no one would come for her. She’d lacked the courage to tell him about the knife. That attack was too fresh in her mind. It still hurt too much to admit it. In the past, she would have called her mother. But a subtle shift had begun to occur in her heart after she’d met Eun. It had developed slowly.
In the beginning, he’d been charming and sweet. No sign of his sarcasm. Or his temper. Then one day, he’d insulted her in the tiniest of ways. But that arrow had met its mark, slipping into her heart and wounding her. She’d brushed it off. She’d made excuses for him. No one was perfect.
Then a couple days later, it happened again, a little more harshly. A week later, she’d angered him, and he had shoved her lightly as she’d stood in the hallway of his apartment. Her back had bumped into the wall. She’d stood shocked, rooted to the ground, unable to believe that the guy she liked had just physically assaulted her. She made another excuse for him. He must have had a really bad day at work. He was just blowing off steam.
Two days later, he’d uttered several insults. Insidious, little words that made her doubt her own self-worth. Her mother had never had luck with men. Maybe Stasia didn’t either. Or maybe all men were like this. She didn’t know. She’d never had a boyfriend before. She’d barely been around men.
Then, his mood would shift, and he’d act sweet and take her out to eat. Or he’d buy her flowers. One day, he’d brought her chocolates. She’d decided he did really love her. After all, he was spending money on her. But then, just as suddenly, he could boil over with rage.
One day, he’d slapped her across the face when she’d ruined the chicken. She had sat, appalled, in her chair. Her face stinging. Tears flooding her eyes. She couldn’t believe he’d hit her. What was happening to her? What was wrong with her?
She was too ashamed to call her mother. Too embarrassed to admit to anyone what was happening to her. Clearly, there was something wrong with her. It had taken a knife against her throat to wake her up. To help her realize that she was not the problem. To lend her the courage to write Yoongi that first letter.
She’d wanted to flee, but she’d been terrified Eun would grab her and do something worse to her. Then the day had come when he had. She was so full of regret now, and she didn’t know how to get past it. Why hadn’t she called her mother?
Because she’d been embarrassed. Embarrassed that she would let a guy treat her that way for weeks before she thought to stop it. In the beginning, he’d been sweet. He had been so handsome too. And rich. He’d always had money. She’d been shocked that a guy like him would pursue her.
Until she’d really gotten to know him. He had no sense of humor. He was intelligent, but he used his brilliance in cruel ways. His soul harbored a violence she could not have imagined. And she had been victim to it more times than she liked to remember.
The pressure to have sex with him had been subtle in the beginning. He would joke about it. He kissed her for the first time the day after they met. That should have been a red flag. It had made her uncomfortable, but she hadn’t stopped him the next time he did it.
Within a week, his hands were roaming places that also made her quite uneasy. But she was unprepared for his behavior. She was embarrassed and didn’t know how to draw a line with him. So she said nothing. Over the next few weeks, she did some things with him that made her feel ashamed, but she didn’t go so far as to crawl into a bed with him. She did pull away from him when it seemed he was intent on taking her there. She’d told him she wasn’t ready. He’d seemed to accept that. Until the night he didn’t.
As she stared down at the knife in her hand, she wondered if she would ever be able to look at a knife again without cringing. Then a horrible, little voice whispered across her consciousness, “Slit your wrist, and end your pain.”
Tears flooded her eyes. She’d heard this voice before. So many times. She wasn’t sure how to silence it. But then, she glanced up, and her eyes met Yoongi’s. Instantly aware that something was very wrong, he crossed the room to her. Somehow, he knew the knife had set off a chain reaction. He reached out and took it away from her. That almost scared her more. To see a man holding that knife. Echoes surrounded her. She felt terror crawling along her skin. But then, Yoongi set the knife down on the counter. He looked into her face, his eyes probing hers.
“What is it, Stasia? What are you thinking?”
“So many scary things,” she whispered. “I keep hearing things like, ‘Just slit your wrists. Then all your pain will be over.’”
He inhaled sharply. “You know that’s a lie, right? That isn’t your voice. That’s the voice of evil, and it’s come to steal you away. But you won’t let it, will you? You’re stronger than that voice.”
“What should I do when it comes? Sometimes, it’s so strong. I can’t shut it off.”
“Listen to me in those moments. To us. To our music. To ON. You are a fighter, Stasia. Remind yourself of that. Listen to Lights. Remind yourself that you’re not alone. Listen to We Are Bulletproof: The Eternal. And remember that you have us now. We are here surrounding you, supporting you. You will never walk alone again, Stasia. Louder than Bombs keeps going off in my head when I see that expression on your face. Because when I consider your pain and what you have walked through, louder than bombs I break.”
He suddenly choked on a sob, and he reached out to pull her up against him again. He didn’t know what to do besides engulfing her in his embrace. He didn’t have a clue how to heal her pain. Or silence the voices.
