This story is dedicated to you if you have ever been abused by someone bigger, stronger, and seemingly more powerful than you. You are not alone. You are infinitely precious. And the trauma you endured is not your fault. Know that you are so loved. And whatever trauma you have been through – it does NOT define you. You are a beautiful rose, a lovely lily, a most precious gem.
Rated M for Mature. This story deals with some difficult topics and involves some graphic situations.
He came to her, gently wreaking havoc on her senses. Echoes came back to her, and she pulled her lips away from his as tears sprang to her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Yoongi! I thought I was ready for this, but clearly, I’m not! They’re not your hands on me. They’re his. It’s not your mouth seeking out my own. It’s Eun’s. And he wasn’t kind about it. Many times. I realize it now.”
She jumped up off his lap and walked across the room. He followed her.
Her mind couldn’t help but contrast the gentle touch of Yoongi’s mouth and fingers with Eun’s harsh temperament and treatment of her. She wanted to cry. Even her first kiss – the one with Eun – had lacked the tenderness in Yoongi’s touch. She wanted to weep for all she’d lost. For all she’d suffered. Eun had ruined even her first real kiss with Yoongi.
“It’s all right, Stasia. You went through a horrid trauma. I didn’t expect this to be easy. But when you’re ready, I’m willing to try again. To slow down and help you overcome your fears. One tiny kiss at a time. One soft touch at a time.”
She lifted sad eyes to his. She truly felt safe in his arms. He’d never tried to push her. But it was breaking her heart that his kiss had unleashed memories of Eun.
She had had such a good time with Yoongi this evening. It was the first time in a long time that she had begun to feel like her real self again. What had changed? Why had she suddenly felt some freedom enter her soul tonight? She’d slept better last night. It was true. She’d eaten better tonight than she had for a couple of weeks. She’d felt her spirits rising as she’d enjoyed her japchae. Then, the caramel slices had sent her over the moon. But eventually, she’d kissed Yoongi, and everything had begun to crash in on her again.
Was she wise to pursue a relationship with him right on the heels of her tragic journey with Eun? Poor Yoongi. She didn’t want to be unfair to him. Maybe she should just let him go. Before she broke his heart. If she told him she could handle only a friendship with him right now, she knew he would understand. And he would back off.
But she didn’t want him to back away from her. Suddenly, she felt an odd rebellion rising in her soul. She would not let Eun win. And she didn’t want to hurt Yoongi.
“Come here,” she whispered roughly.
“What?” Confused, he drew his eyebrows down over his eyes. His kind eyes. His sad eyes that Stasia didn’t want to make sadder.
She leaned forward and lifted her face to his. “Kiss me again, Yoongi.”
“No.”
Stung, she stared up at him woefully. “What?”
“If you want a kiss, Stasia, you come take it.”
He walked across the room and sat down on the couch.
She stared at him for a few moments as new emotions warred against old within her. Then she realized that Yoongi had just put all the control into the hands of a woman who had once been powerless. She felt a rush of gratitude for him overwhelm her.
She followed him. She wanted to sit on his lap again. What an odd desire. Yet it wouldn’t leave. So she approached him somewhat awkwardly. She stood in front of him.
He gazed up at her. “What do you want, Stasia?” he asked softly, then suddenly he smiled at her, and the light of his countenance touched her sweetly.
“I want to sit on your lap, Yoongi.”
His smile grew. He held his arms out to her. “Okay.”
She leaned over and sat down sideways on his lap, resting her feet on the couch next to him. Her back was against the side of the couch.
He gazed at her, but he still wasn’t touching her. “What do you want me to do, Stasia?”
She swallowed. “Put your arms around me.” Her heart felt like it was exploding in her chest. She was terrified. Not of Yoongi. But of her memories of Eun. But she realized that she had never been in control with Eun. Everything with him had been an unknown. She had never had a clue how he was going to react. To anything.
But with Yoongi, she got the sense that he was consistent. She could trust his responses. So she leaned towards him and wound her arms around his neck. Hesitantly, he drew his arms up around her and hugged her lightly. She felt little pressure from his embrace. Then she leaned forward and rested her head against his shoulder.
“Thank you, Yoongi,” she breathed.
They sat there quietly for a long while that night.
“‘Can’t hold me down ‘cause you know I’m a fighter.’” Yoongi was singing softly over her. After a while, he added, “I think we wrote you your fight song, Stasia. ‘Hey, na na na. Can’t hold me down ‘cause you know I’m a fighter.’”
Tears began to fall onto the skin covering Yoongi’s collarbone. Stasia was sobbing into his shoulder, her head resting against the side of his face.
“It’s all right, Stasia. Everything is going to be okay. Even if it’s hard now. You’re going to come through this. You’re an overcomer. You are a fighter.” His arms tightened around her protectively. “You can do this. You can take every step you need to back to wholeness.”
She clung to him as more tears flooded her soul. When would she have cried enough? When would the fount run dry?
Yoongi continued to sing over her, and she felt herself drawing strength from his song. After a while, she dried her tears against his shirt. Then her lips sought out his own. She approached his mouth tentatively. Fearfully. But she found the strength to press her lips lightly against his. He didn’t react. He stayed completely still. So she moved her mouth over his. After a little while, she became frustrated.
“Yoongi, this is no fun.”
He tried to bite it back, but her response had surprised him, and his laugh escaped him as a harsh sound. “What?”
“You’re not responding at all.” Her breath was whispering over his face.
“I thought I shouldn’t.”
“No. Respond,” she breathed against his mouth. She bent her lips to his again.
He drew her closer to him as his lips began very gently to move under her own. He held himself back, giving her only a tiny taste of what he actually felt for her. Still, he acknowledged her tears hitting his face as her lips continued to sink into his. They kissed for a long time. Sweet, innocent, kind kisses. No sign of a deadly desire. Just intimacy. Tender and true. Mixed with her cleansing tears.
Later that night, as Stasia lay in her bed, the taste of Yoongi’s lips still lingered on her own.
