Tia stared up at Tae, her heart suddenly pounding in her chest again. She was terrified. She was suddenly faced with her heart’s desire, and she realized that she wasn’t ready for it.
“You want me, Tae?” she whispered.
“Yes!” he declared ardently.
“Can we – can we be friends?” she croaked out over the sudden lump in her throat. He didn’t know her. Not really. If he did, he would feel differently.
Tae felt his heart sinking. Friends? But…he wanted more than that from Tia. He had written her a passionate song. He’d declared his undying love for her. And she wanted to be…friends?
The bitter irony! Millions of girls around the world wanted him. But the one girl he truly desired didn’t return his affection. He bit back his disappointment. He would take Tia any way he could get her. Friends, it was.
Inside, Tia was dying. What had she just done? She had moved herself halfway around the world to get close to him. Now he had poured out his heart in love for her, and she was backing up? It made no sense. But she was feeling so overwhelmed. And when he discovered the truth about her…he wouldn’t love her then. He would turn and walk away from her because he could have anyone. He could choose someone better, someone who had waited for him alone.
Tae watched in horror as her eyes suddenly filled with tears. “I am so sorry, Tae! I’m a horrible person! I don’t deserve you. I-I’ll get out of your hair now. You can’t possibly want to see me anymore.” A sob escaped her mouth as she turned her head away from him.
But Tae was unmoved. His arms tightened around her. He bent his head and whispered sweetly in her ear, “You’re not going anywhere. And you’re not a horrible person.” He paused to simply breathe. She could hear that inhalation and exhalation, and she felt like her own breath came and went in time with his. “Tia, what’s wrong? What aren’t you telling me?”
Now she really did need to take a deep breath. Her heart was climbing into her throat. She couldn’t breathe. Finally, she responded, “I’m broken, Tae. I’m damaged goods. You don’t really want me. If you knew, you wouldn’t want me.” She thought of her hidden shame, and the irony of life. That she had finally found the man of her dreams, yet she had ruined their chance at happiness long ago as a hurting teenager.
“Tia,” he sighed, exasperated. “What on earth are you talking about?”
She thought of that one desperate night when she was seventeen. That night she had wanted for one moment in time for someone to pierce the lake inside of which she’d been frozen. She had wanted to feel something real for someone else and from someone else. She’d been desperate for love that night. She’d been craving the warmth of someone’s affection. So she had given in to a boy who had been trying to woo her for two years. She had pushed him away at every turn. Until that night.
Julieta had been staying the night with a friend, and Tia had been alone at home, watching a heartrending drama. And all the pain and all the longing in her young heart had surfaced. And she had realized that she was utterly alone in the world. That no one but Julieta loved her. No one desired her.
She’d been sitting on the couch crying when he knocked on the door. He’d only stopped by to return a schoolbook he’d borrowed the day before. But he’d found her very vulnerable. He’d pulled her close, holding her in his arms. Oh! How wonderful it had felt to be held in someone’s arms again! She missed her dear Papá and her Mamá so much!
She’d cried on that boy’s shoulder for a while. He hadn’t said much. He wasn’t a talker. But when her tears had dried, and she’d been silent for a while, he whispered into her ear, “Tia.”
Just her name. But something about the way he had said it had caused her stomach to do a somersault. She had drawn away from him enough to glance into his eyes. He’d gazed back into hers for a moment before his head descended, and his lips had found hers. It had felt strange. That first kiss. Not what she’d expected.
But then his arms had tightened around her, and she’d lost herself in his embrace, throwing caution to the wind in a desperate bid to feel wanted. To feel something. Anything. And she had felt something that night. Intense pain. Physically and emotionally. The intimacy of that night had been hurtful and disappointing. She’d been embarrassed as she’d had all her illusions shattered. And afterward, she’d found herself more broken than before.
At the end, when the deed was done, she had pushed him away. The next day at school when she’d passed him in the hallway, she’d turned from him and walked away. She had made it very clear that she didn’t want to talk to him ever again. And she’d been afraid to let another guy touch her ever since.
Until she’d met Tae. He had broken through that terrifying wall, through the stronghold of fear. He’d made her feel something real for the first time in forever. It was terrifying. And exhilarating. But now she felt as though she had let him down. And when he knew the truth, he would walk away from her. She hadn’t saved herself for him. And he deserved the very best. He deserved an untouched rose. Not a blemished water lily that was still frozen into that icy lake.
