Blog

The summer formal dance was Friday.  Jin had been looking forward to it since he was a junior.  Finally, the moment was upon him.  The end of his senior year.  His last dance with his precious girlfriend, Yura.  They were going with his friend, Yoongi, and…no one else.  Because Yoongi didn’t have a girlfriend.

But Jin couldn’t even rib his quiet friend about that.  Yoongi had seemed even more down than usual of late.  Jin was wondering what was up with him when Yoongi suddenly materialized in front of him.

“Jin, I’m sorry to disappoint, but I won’t be coming to the dance on Friday.”

Surprised, Jin let loose of his eyebrows, and they ascended in shock.  “What?  Why?”  He paused for a moment, then he added, “A lot of guys are going stag.  It’s no big deal.”

Yoongi shook his head.  “No.  You misunderstand me.  I got a job.  I have to work.”

“Oh,” Jin nodded.  “I see.  Well,” he frowned, “I will miss you.”  Then he grinned.  “So will several girls.”

It was Yoongi’s turn to grimace.  He didn’t care about any of those girls.  He cared about only one girl.  She had turned his head in a dirty diner a month ago.  

Nari.

His peerless lily.

How he missed her!

He closed his eyes momentarily, and Jin’s eyebrows fell so low, they threatened his nose.  “Yoongi?  What’s wrong?  You’ve been out of it for over a week now.”

Yoongi inhaled sharply and opened his eyes.  “I’m just tired.  I’ve been working evenings and doing school during the day.  And Mrs. Kim has been handing out too many projects just to ensure I don’t sleep at all at night.”  He paused, then he did rib his tall friend.  “Are you sure she’s not related to you?”

“Ha!  You know there are a zillion Kims in Korea!”  Jin grinned at him.  Then he slung his arm around Yoongi’s shoulders and pulled him close.  “The next time you have a free night, let me know, and we’ll go out!  You need some guy time.”

Yoongi glanced up at Jin’s smiling face.  If only that was truly all he needed…

—

Nari sat up in bed and glanced around her room.  She couldn’t avoid it.  That spot on her bed where Yoongi had lain and wept over his hopeless future.  She wondered if he had decided to sacrifice himself for his sister as he had implied.  A week ago, Nari had sat on this bed with him.  He had pulled her into his arms and…almost kissed her.  But her appa had interrupted that moment with his phone call.  Criticizing Yoongi.  

For a few minutes, she’d believed Yoongi was going to fight for her.  And for a future with her.  But something had gone terribly wrong.  He had ushered her out of his apartment and told her he’d talk to her later.  But he never had.

No phone call.  No text.  Not even a run-in at the elevator.  Nari had cried herself to sleep for a week.  She was tired of weeping.  

She glanced down at her bed.  Where he had lain.  She slid her hand across the sheets.  How she missed him! 

His gummy smile.  His beautiful, mahogany eyes.  His sweet words.  His very breath.  

How could she miss someone’s breath?  But she did.

She was worried about him too.  Was he drowning his sorrows in a bottle of wine each night?  Was he still composing?  Or had he hidden his secret joy away?  

That was the worst part.  That he hadn’t trusted her enough to play his piano for her.  She had never heard his songs.  If she thought about it too long, it crushed her.  She yearned for his music.  For his heart communicated through his fingers.

She shook her head.  She had to face it.  Yoongi was gone.  For good.  He’d made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with her.  By simply ignoring her.  He hadn’t set foot in the diner again.  He hadn’t stalked her to her apartment door either.  He wasn’t hovering over her, worried that her feet hurt.

Her feet did hurt.  But not as much as her heart.

She couldn’t take living in this apartment anymore.  This bed haunted her with its memories of Yoongi sitting on it with her.  And lying down to weep next to her.  Those memories were so vivid that, late at night, it seemed as though he was curled up next to her in her bed.  She would have sworn she could hear his breathing.

—

He still recalled the scent of her sheets.  They had smelled of thyme.  And they’d been cool to the touch as they caressed his face.  Lying next to her, he had felt the heat her body radiated.  He had longed to lie next to her every night for the rest of their lives.  To slide his rings on her finger and claim her as his own.  

But…he had made the worst mistake of his life the night he’d met her parents.  And he had offended her appa.  In order to be with him now, Nari would have to forsake her family.  And Yoongi had discovered that he didn’t have it in him to ask that of her.  

Also, something strange had happened when she’d returned to his apartment with him.  She had shut down.  Pulled away.  Closed her heart to him.  And that chill wind of indifference had frozen his own heart that night.  

He couldn’t play for her.  He couldn’t open his heart and expose it to possible pain.  He just didn’t have it in him.

Truthfully, he felt unworthy of her.  He had an anger problem.  No, that wasn’t true.  It wasn’t anger that motivated him.  It was grief.  He had a problem with grief.  And he hated grief.  He didn’t want to wallow in it.  He didn’t want to feel it.  He didn’t want to acknowledge it.  So…he drank a lot of wine.  Which gave him a headache.

Correction: he used to drink a lot of wine.  A week ago, he had drunk three bottles over several hours.  And then spent several more hours being revisited by those bottles of wine.  He had no desire to ever see another drop of wine again. 

He hadn’t had even a sip since that lonely night after he escorted Nari out of his apartment.  He didn’t have time for wine anymore anyway.  Not between school and work.  He barely had time to sleep.  Let alone to get drunk.

No.  He was done with alcohol.  He was pursuing more important things.  Now, he just needed to learn how to deal with his feelings.  Without the aid of a bottle of wine, it was much harder for him to remain numb.  And some days, he just wanted to be insensate.  Like he’d once told Nari, not every feeling was worth experiencing.