This story is dedicated to you if you have ever been abused by someone bigger, stronger, and seemingly more powerful than you. You are not alone. You are infinitely precious. And the trauma you endured is not your fault. Know that you are so loved. And whatever trauma you have been through – it does NOT define you. You are a beautiful rose, a lovely lily, a most precious gem.
Rated M for Mature. This story deals with some difficult topics and involves some graphic situations.
“Dear Hobi,
“I know I could have just texted you this. Or called you. But you once wrote me a letter, so I wanted to return the favor.
“I have found it. A way to turn ashes into beauty. A way to create a beautiful picture with just a few matchsticks. I’m writing, Hobi. And it’s all thanks to you.
“I’ve begun to write a book about my experiences and the fear that has ruled my life for years. I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do to publish it. Maybe I’ll just turn it all into a blog on the Internet. I’m not sure yet. All I know is that I want to tell girls that they are not alone. That there are others who have walked the lonely path they’ve walked. I want to tell them that they are precious, just as you have assured me that I am. I long to pass on to them the strength you lent me.
“You changed my life, Hobi, the day I got to know you. You were the first person to ever tell me I was worthwhile. And then to back up your words with actions. You proved to me that you really believed what you said of me. I want to give that gift to other girls now. So I’ve begun to write down all the feelings I’ve struggled with since I was tiny. And some of the reasons why I’ve struggled. I’m not sure I’m willing to share the entire story yet, but every time I write, I become a little bolder, and a bit more of my story leaks out onto the page.
“I’m not cutting myself anymore either. I promised you I wouldn’t, and I’ve discovered that writing about my pain and my experiences lets the steam out too. In a way that isn’t as painful. I’m still struggling with being happy with my weight, though. I know you assured me time and again that I am a normal weight. I just have a really hard time seeing it. But I’ve begun to look at myself in the mirror and remind my features and my body that you found them beautiful. What was it you called them? Captivating?
“Oh, Hobi! How I miss you! How I long to see you! Please come back to Japan soon! Or send me an airplane ticket, and I’ll come visit you.
“I’ve been watching your comeback specials. I’ve seen all your new music videos. I love Ego! But I think I already told you that. I really love We Are Bulletproof: The Eternal and ON. I draw strength and encouragement from them both. And I find Louder than Bombs to be truly haunting. But it reminds me of you, even if you aren’t part of the vocal line. Yes! I’m learning the lingo of ARMY now. LOL.
“I can just see you weeping over my cuts and singing to me, ‘Louder than bombs, I break.” Thank you for feeling my pain, Hobi. Thank you for acknowledging it. And thank you for trying to heal it. Just knowing that you care – that you wanted to heal me – has in a way been very healing. Now I know that I’m no longer alone in this world.
“You’ve given me so much, Hobi. I’m so grateful for you. It’s not just the purse and the sunglasses and the breakfasts. It’s your words. It’s the tender touch of your lips on my wrist. And your tears too. Thank you for loving me, Hobi. What do you think? Perhaps I am becoming beautiful through this process?
“I love you — Sakura.”
